Destinies Have No Ending
by LadyxB
Summary: Takes place 19 days after Sunnydale sinks. Buffy and co. are recuperating in LA with Angel, Spike appears, and everything turns complicated again.
1. Chapter 1

Hi! I've never seen Angel or read the comics, but I have a general idea about the themes and happenings, which might pop up loosely in my story. Hope you enjoy!

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing except the original ideas that allow me to play with these characters.

It had been nineteen days since the apocalypse, since Sunnydale existed, since Buffy, her friends, and the rest of the survivors had come to LA, to Angel, for recovery. Buffy felt like she was staying on some bizarre vacation, living in a hotel, surrounded by her friends, away from home, except the mood was somber. They had lost and gained so much and though nineteen days felt like nothing, everything that had happened felt like a lifetime ago.

They were crowding Angel's office, Angel sitting in his chair fiddling with the shiny amulet that had been sent back to him in an anonymous package, Giles scouring the bookshelf, Willow sitting criss-crossed on the floor leafing through a book, Dawn in a chair across from Angel, her legs up on his desk nodding off, Xander looking pensive out the window, and Buffy fluttering her eyes over all of them, an overwhelming feeling of love and fondness comforting her. They were silent now, having spent a good chunk of the past few weeks with nothing to do other than talking and clearing the air of so much tension and unsaid words. It was comfortable now, to sit with them again, to trust them, and Buffy found that for all that they had lost, so much good had already been found.

Although, a small part of her was bored. They were too quiet. She sat, waiting for something and missing the someone who always made that something happen.

Buffy's eyes kept glancing over at the amulet that appeared dull and mediocre in Angel's hands, so unlike the brightness it exuded when displayed around Spike's neck. She watched as the trinket slipped through Angel's fingers and shattered to the ground.

A loud popping noise echoed through the silent room and there he stood. His eyes found Angel's first and he let out an exaggerated sigh of annoyance. His usual bleached-blond hair lay in its natural state of curly dark locks, his black t-shirt tattered, and his black jeans ripped and stained. His eyes sparked with outrage, confusion, and fear.

"Oh, well, isn't this just bloody brilliant? Thought I was in hell before. Sent me to the next layer, have they?"

Angel stood from the chair, on guard, but surprised, allowing Spike to take in more of his surroundings. Giles wiped hard at his glasses, placing them on his nose, and shaking his head in awe. Dawn leaped from her own chair, stumbling over Willow who looked amused and bewildered. Xander turned slowly from the window his eyes showing no hint of surprise, but gave a nod, as though to say, 'of course'. Buffy couldn't move from her place behind where Spike stood.

"Just great, you're all here looking cozy. Am I just to be bored to death? Because if you think-"

Angel took a step closer to him, causing Spike to raise his arms in defense and take a step backwards.

"Now you look here, Peaches. I know we didn't leave things off on a good note and I'm supposed to be dead and all, but I'm the real me, innocent as I can be, soul-intact, it's just been, well, I've been in hell and now I'm here and I think I might prefer it back there. Better than all of you just bleeding standing there, mouths gaping, like-"

"Spike-"

Spike's mouth snapped shut, his entire body tensing. He took his time turning around to face her, not knowing what to expect, but he was graced by her exuberant smile. When she saw his face for the first time in nineteen days, all she found in his eyes was a deep hurt and resignation. Smile faltering, she tried again.

"Spike-"

He held up his hand and smirked with no trace of amusement.

"Don't- you- you're not- I've been here before, both in living and in death. You can't- I won't let you."

She took a step towards him, confusion lacing her face, trying to make him understand, but he moved violently away from her.

"I thought the bleedin' Powers got me out of there. They promised me, I'd-"

While Buffy stood immobile, not knowing how to approach him or to understand his words, it was Xander who strode towards him, attempting to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. His hand slid through Spike.

"Oi, what did you do to yourself?"

Xander looked aghast. "Me? You 're all misty."

"I'm not misty, you berk, I-"

Spike's words cut out when he tried to swat Xander and watched as his hand passed through him again. He was frantic, waving his hands in front of his face, trying to touch all over his body, attempting to whack Xander who was laughing.

"Welcome back to the world of the living, Deadboy. We've kinda missed you."

Spike was speechless at that and paused, seeking any semblance of mocking or hatred in the other man's face, but he was met with none.

"Can't say the ghosty look is a bad one on you."

"I am not a ghost, you whelp, I'm, well, I'm- incorporeal is all."

Xander laughed harder at this, while Spike turned appalled.

"Well incorporeal suits you, Spike."

As he looked at her, Spike noticed that the witch appeared brighter, her eyes alight with wisdom and serenity. He couldn't help but feel a tug of tenderness towards her. It had been a long time since someone had looked at him with kindness. The connection broke when Angel coughed and their eyes met. The older vampire frowned, an expression of concentration on his face.

"How Spike?"

Giles nodded his agreement. "I'd quite like to know that as well."

"Simple really. Last thing I remember from this world, I was in the Hellmouth and burning up. Next thing I know, I'm in hell, and then I'm in front of this group calling themselves the Powers, least I think it was a group, never got a glimpse of their faces, just voices, offering me three wishes for my reward for sacrificin' myself and all, they listen to two of 'em, then all of a sudden I'm here standing in front of you lot."

"How long were you in hell?"

There was no hesitation in her voice, but Willow managed to sound appropriately sympathetic and comforting.

"No idea, lose your sense of time when there's nothing but agony, don't you? How long was it here? Since I've been gone?"

"Nineteen days." Buffy's voice rang out, hoarse, but clear.

Spike could no longer resist the urge to look at her, to really see that she was alright, that she was real and not the same face of torment that had plagued him in hell. Shaking arms yearned to hold her, but his lack of solidity and inability to move stifled it.

With another pop, he was gone again.

"No!" Buffy staggered over to where Spike had been standing only a second before, her eyes searching her friends for a source of explanation.

"Was that-was he real?"

No one could offer her a proper explanation, so they just looked after him in silence.


	2. Chapter 2

They were in Fred's lab when the popping noise burst out, signifying Spike's arrival. Dawn immediately went to him, but was chagrined to find he was still incorporeal.

"What the bloody hell was that?"

Willow looked at him, amused, as she said, "Is the exact question we were just trying to answer. Where did you go Spike?"

"Go? I- well, we were in Peaches' office and then we were here."

Giles took off his glasses and wiped them with vigor, muttering "fascinating."

"You were gone for hours, Spike. We weren't sure you were coming back," Willow frowned at him. "The good news is, your arrival rules out a lot of options and we think we might know what's going on."

"Alright, Red. Give me your best."

"When your body burned in the Hellmouth, we think your essence got sucked into the amulet. It was sent back to Angel this morning and when he examined it, he dropped it, and there you were. We think your existence is fighting to exist between a bodily entity on earth and whatever it was you were in hell.

"Go ahead and fix it then."

Willow blushed. "That's the problem, we don't know how."

The woman next to Willow offered Spike a reassuring smile.

"We've got the resources to figure that out. There's always the fear that if we don't fix things in time, you'll explode into a mess of nothing, but I work best under extreme and dangerous circumstances."

"Cold comfort, Miss, thanks. Might want to work on your bedside manners a bit, yeah?"

"Spike?" Giles' voice forced the vampire to turn and look at the others. Buffy stood between Giles and Angel, her arms crossed at her chest, but he still couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes. "I know that the topic of hell can't be appealing right now, but do you think you could tell us more about those wishes?"

"Private they are."

"But they could help us to, understand."

Spike rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. "Told I got three, made two, boom here I am"

"What exactly did you wish for?"

Spike mumbled, and would have blushed had he had the opportunity.

"Thought I was dead, wasn't I? The only reason for it."

Xander rolled his eyes good-naturedly, amused. "Reason for what, Spike? Let's try for some details."

"Bloody hell, fine. I hate myself for it. It wasn't for him, you know? It's important you lot understand that."

Spike paused, waiting for someone to disagree.

"I wished for the ponce to have a soul like mine, you know, permanent and, uh, well, for him and Buffy to be happy." Spike could not look at them, but appeared very interested in the details of the floor of Fred's lab.

After a long moment of silence, he spoke out again. "Come to think of it, that sounds like one wish with some conditions. Cheap bastards got out of the deal. They're the ones to have offered it and they couldn't-"

"Is it real?" There was a hesitant tint of excitement laced in Angel's voice that Spike couldn't ignore. He still couldn't look at him.

"'Spect so, they were all, 'let it be done.'"

With an act of courage Spike did not feel that he had, he lifted his eyes. As he did, the world went dark again.

* * *

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" Angel was caught in a fury, pacing the floors of the lab. Giles was wiping at his glasses again, Willow was pouring over a book with renewed determination while Fred skimmed the contents of another. Dawn's eyes were following Angel back-and-forth with a look of awe on her face. Buffy's legs betrayed her as she leaned against the counter for support and Xander burst out laughing again.

He said, "He really does have a strong grasp of the shock and awe thing, doesn't he? You gotta admire that much. Hey, at least you'll have fun proving it, Angel."

"And we could be, you know, waiting to put the soul back in place if need be," Willow offered looking cheerful.

"Who exactly is he gonna try it with though?" Dawn asked, turning a threatening glance in her sister's direction.

Buffy matched her sister's gaze, offering no idea of her intent and Angel stopped pacing. Everyone was looking between vampire and slayer. Angel shrugged.

"Only one woman I can think of and she's not exactly in a place to enjoy it, so-"

Another burst of noise broke through the silence and the group turned, expecting to see Spike. Instead, it was Wesley stepping through the door to the lab. He had eyes only for Angel.

"Angel- It's Cordelia. She's awake and asking for you."

They all stood for a long time staring between each other. Angel was unmoving, the only sign that he was conscious was the fist curling and uncurling at his side. Buffy had a hint of a smile on her face and it was her voice that broke his concentration.

"He did it. It's real. Go be happy."

Angel stared at her before breaking into a huge smile. In three wide steps, he was following Wesley out the door.

Dawn's voice was clipped towards her sister. "Still cookie dough then?"

Rolling her eyes, Buffy opened her mouth to answer, but her response was cut-off once again by Xander's laughter.

"Sorry, Buff, but I'm trying to believe it. Angel and Cordy? Really?"

* * *

It was nighttime when Spike appeared again in the confines of Cordelia's hospital room in the Wolfram and Hart building. Angel and Cordelia lay together, sleeping, when the sound of Spike's arrival pulled them awake. Spike, fearing the worst, turned and shrouded his eyes in cover.

"I wish this thing had an on-and-off button, bleeding hell. Least one of those GPS things where I could direct myself."

"Not so much fun for us, either, Spike. Thank God we were just sleeping," Angel's voice sounded tired, but oddly jovial.

"Don't hafta rub it in, alright, you ponce?"

"Spike, I'm so happy, I could kiss you, I really could."

"Didn't do it for you, you ninny, you know that."

"Couldn't have done it for me either, I figure, but thanks very much all the same."

Spike whipped around at Cordelia's voice, but remained covering his eyes.

Angel laughed, "Nope, not Buffy, though it was kinda fun seeing you squirm when you thought it was. Cute too, I'll be sure to put in a word for you. Now if you could at least try the on-off thing-"

Spike was fuming. "You are the worst kind of idiot. I give you, this- this- this gift- maybe my greatest sacrifice of all and you blow it? She loves you, you nit, and if you don't have the decency to at least try and-"

"A lot happened in nineteen days, Spike. Why don't you pop in on Buffy and talk to her about it. All I can say is, we had a similar conversation and it was enlightening for the both of us."

Before Spike could question him, he was gone again.


	3. Chapter 3

To nobody's delight, Spike popped in and out of Angel's life with more frequency over the next few days. Angel was quickly getting over his appreciation for Spike, while the rest of them were sick of hearing the two spat. Willow and Fred worked long hours along with Giles and Dawn, trying to find a cure, while Buffy remained quiet, stealing away at night for long patrols where she could work out her tension.

It was in the second week that Spike stopped disappearing and could move around without needing to be in the same room as Angel, so long as the elder vampire was in close proximity. Willow hypothesized that since Angel was the closest thing Spike had to family and that they shared blood, his existence was tethered to him. Neither were pleased by this theory.

Spike was left on his own in Angel's conference room, fuming, when Buffy walked in after patrol. Unsuspecting, Spike stopped his pacing and looked up at her. She was wearing a simple black sweater with a pair of dark jeans, her hair longer than he remembered, looking more her age than she had back in Sunnydale, and once he had a taste of her, he couldn't tear his eyes away. Under his ministrations, Buffy blushed, but did not back down.

"I missed that look. Means you finally stopped ignoring me."

"Buffy-"

"I guess I haven't had much to say either, I just-"

"Don't like you seeing me like this-"

"It was always so physical between us and now-"

Realizing their words, they smiled at each other and started to relax. Breaking the stare, Spike coughed and looked around.

"Rest of 'em went to their hotel for the evening, said they'd check in with you. 'Spect Peaches and Cordelia are still here somewhere since I'm not being dragged around. Helps that he has his apartment here."

He grew uncomfortable and turned away from her.

"Is that weird for you? I tried, believe me. Didn't expect him to blow it so bad. Don't know why I'm surprised, never did know what he had was good until-"

He turned and looked at her, quieted at the stern expression on Buffy's face.

"Spike?"

"Yes, love?"

"Can you tell me what happened after the Hellmouth? All of it?"

"You mean after my masculine blaze of glory?"

"If it helps, you can start there."

Her grin made him feel fuzzy inside and he could no longer filter the words falling out of his mouth. Despite himself, he told her every word, their gaze never faltering, and he felt the tension and pain drift away.

* * *

In the tips of his fingers and toes, Spike could feel the itch as though he were so close to being able to touch again. Something felt different, more stable, which was emphasized by the fact that he hadn't disappeared for a week now. The group assembled around a conference table in one of Angel's offices. Giles was lecturing about some kind of army he was building to fight evil and how they were all a part of it. It appeared that Faith and the principal were all cozy in Cleveland with their team of seasoned fighters, gaining more experience at the Hellmouth there, while Angel's team was prepared to continue their side of the battle in LA. The only new part was Giles' intentions to take off for London where he would spearhead a new Watcher's Council that would focus on training young slayers. Spike had remained uninterested until Buffy mentioned that she, Willow, Xander, and Dawn would be going with him.

For all the progress Buffy and he had made in the past few days, since he had told her about his time in hell, he saw it all fall apart. Despite how hard he tried and desired, Spike could not leave Angel, and so Buffy would be leaving him behind. He suspected something like this might happen, but he hoped that it would be after they discovered a cure for him. All along, he had been waging a war between his desire to go with her wherever she wanted and to let her leave him behind. Now the decision had been made for him.

From his spot near Buffy's seat at the table, Spike stood stark still and willed himself to disappear. When it didn't happen, he turned and drifted out of the room.

Buffy was steps behind him. He knew it, could sense her assertive stride and the heat radiating from her, so he slowed, but didn't stop. For whatever reason, she was being patient with him, allowing him to lead them to where he chose, talk when he wanted, though he suspected there was no way he was getting out of talking.

Nineteen days they kept telling him, that had been all the time he had missed since he had burned and dusted, but in the time that he'd been back, it seemed as though a lifetime had passed for all the changes he saw in everyone.

The whelp, Xander, a ghost of himself, kept seeking him out, offering words about love and living and friendship, offering him, _him_ , that friendship. Red, the witch, had really outdone herself back there and so Spike knew she deserved the aura she exuded, but now she was looking upon him as though he were some kind of equal, when she had never even really looked at him before. Even the Watcher, who only weeks ago had plotted to have him killed no longer glared at him when he spoke. The Bit, Dawn, felt older to him, but he suspected that might have been going on for awhile, he just hadn't allowed himself to look at her for so many months. Angel at least had the decency to appraise him with the usual suspiciousness and disdain, although such feelings had dimmed since he learned that Spike had secured the vampire's soul. None of the others knew him, but they weren't cursing his existence, so it was a strange sensation.

Only Harmony, who he worked hard to avoid, seemed to be overly excited by his being there. She burst into tears whenever she saw him, sobbing promises of their everlasting love and what they could do to each other once he was solid again. Spike didn't mind the flash in Buffy's eyes when she overheard.

Buffy, for whom he kept trying not to think of. She still appeared tired and thin, but her confidence was renewed and she had a strong air of determination and something akin to relief about her. And when she had seen him for the first time, incorporeal and all, she had beamed at him, her whole body smiling. Regardless of how close she had been standing to Angel, Spike had felt the new stirrings of hope he had tried to squash back in Sunnydale, before the end. Over and over, he kept reminding himself of the reason why he had chosen to dust, to ride the last waves of sunlight and the crumbling of the city out. It was for her, for her cause and for the good of the world, yes, of course, but also for her to be done, to be met with some peace and relief. He thought it would be even better if she had him out of her life, finally, something he could give her in his death because he never could bring himself to leave her in life.

For all his good intentions, Buffy kept providing him small moments that fueled his dreams, even back in Sunnydale during that last night of passion and when she told him she loved him. Here, now, she kept reaching her arm out as though she wanted to touch him if only she could, sitting close to him in meetings, and giving him that same serene smile she had the first time whenever he popped back into the room from wherever it was he went. Not to mention her calm and cool attitude towards Angel choosing to be with Cordelia, when just weeks ago he had spotted them sucking hello out of each other, made him feel much better than he should.

He stopped when they reached the end of the long hallway and he had to admit that he had no idea where he wanted to go. Spike could have floated right through the door of Angel's office and he would have if Buffy had come charging after him fists and eyes blazing, but instead she waited on him. With a sigh, he motioned to the door and followed after her when she opened it and went inside. Hearing the click and her measured breathing, he determined not to look at her, took an unnecessary breath, and spoke.

"Finally got what you wanted for so long now, pet, I'll finally be out of your way. Though I can't say I much fancy being stuck with Peaches for an eternity."

His intent was for a touch of humor, but his voice betrayed him in shakiness mixed with fear and a hint of bitterness. He could picture the arms crossed at her chest, her face pulled into a scowl, as her eyes bore into him, but she didn't speak for a long moment.

"You really are a big dope."

The choke of her own voice shocked him enough to force him to turn around and all he could do was gape at her as he found tears in her eyes.

"I told you before that I wasn't ready for you not to be here and you went and tried to be all noble and died and then you come back, but keep being stubborn and disappearing again and each time it's like you've died all over again and I just keep worrying that this time it'll stick and you won't come back."

She did not break the gaze, despite the tears still in her eyes and the blush that crept over her face.

"I can't promise a consistent stream of exciting apocalypses, buildings full of demon friends, or the wealth and fame that Angel and his team could offer you. But I've got a team and a plan of my own and you're a major part of that. You earned it. If that's not what you want, then I can't stop you, God knows you've done enough, but if you do want to come-"

Her breath caught in her throat and she gasped, taken aback as a thought occurred to her.

She continued, "Do you? Do you want to come with me?"

Spike swallowed, then nodded, unable to find his voice, afraid that the tears threatening to spill from his own eyes would betray his cool exterior, but he noticed that even his nod was vigorous.

"Okay then, we'll find a way. It's us."

As she looked at him with tear-filled eyes and an expression of longing and determination, he knew he needed to offer her something with more substance, something more than just how much he loved her and missed her, how grateful he was to be considered a part of her team, but he didn't know how to put it into words without sounding cliche. Those doe eyes, reminiscent of how she'd looked at him in the Hellmouth, when she had told him she loved him, were unfaltering. He could almost visualize the words coming to her lips, saying them again out loud to him, if only he could give her something a little bit more.

"Buffy," his voice was a whisper as she stepped closer to him.

"Spike," he saw a tentative hand reach out and he tensed, both in trepidation of the hand going right through him and of the words he so longed to hear, especially as this was no life or death situation and there would be no need to say them unless she wanted.

Before either could happen, the world went black.

* * *

"Dammit, Spike," Buffy muttered at the now vacant spot where he had popped out on her again. It took a lot out of her just to work up the courage to confide in him and sometimes she too would like the ability to pop in and out of situations she wished she could avoid. Every word that she told him had been true, though she wasn't sure what they could do to untether him from Angel's world.

Everything remained unclear and difficult, but in the days after the Hellmouth had collapsed and they had come to LA to reconvene, Buffy found she could focus. Without a threat of an apocalypse, playing mommy to a bunch of potential slayers, and counting down to her death, she felt like she could breathe again. Another apocalypse would come, the potentials still needed guidance, and her job was a constant death wish, but in less than a month's time, Buffy had realized quite a bit about herself.

For one, she now had a choice as to how she wanted to lead her life. The time for thinking that slaying was a temporary burden she would bear was gone. Being a slayer was a part of her she could not ignore, but with a fresh start, she could go at it with a new perspective. She enjoyed discussing the rebuilding with Giles, planning to train potentials and creating a support network for all types who wanted to fight evil. Willow would join them in England to head the department for witches and Dawn wanted to delve deeper into research, hinting at an interest in being a Watcher, but with a promise that she would first finish high school. Even Xander, who remained haunted by Anya's death, but persistent in maintaining a positive demeanor, appeared reinvigorated with a purpose and distraction. She was just happy they could all do this together and they'd find a way to bring Spike with them. It made her feel as though they really stood a chance.

How she might transition from this space between love and friendship with Spike, she did not know. All she could think about these days were their last few nights together, especially the one right before the battle when she had tried to show him just how much he meant to her. She had thought she had gotten through to him, even without saying the words out loud, but when she blurted it as a last-ditch effort, she realized she had failed. He had died without knowing and now he was back, incorporeal, and it was awkward between them again. Not to mention how he kept bringing Angel up in conversation and telling her how he was sure Cordelia was just a phase.

Buffy didn't know how to tell him about her new relationship with Angel. Seeing Angel's world and sitting down to talk to him, to get to know each other as they were now and who they wanted to be in the future, without the desires of the past looming, they both admitted to having moved on from each other. It wasn't that there was a lack of love, they just had both found and lost new people, even if Angel now had his soul for good. They were better people and did greater things without each other. Spike's reappearance had only emphasized this point. Spike, whom she found made her stronger, happier, and better. And yes, it was surprising to find Angel with Cordelia, but she made him smile and laugh, and Buffy found that to be jarring, yet acceptable.

Spike's current ghostly issue was more pressing and she hoped, more easily solved. She would get him solid again, break the connection to Angel, and then they would figure out the roles they played in each other's lives. Buffy loved him, she was certain, despite what he had responded in the Hellmouth, and she liked the way he looked at her, though she hoped to be able to wash away the doubt and hesitancy behind it. Her friends knew too, she had told them all a week after Sunnydale. She had sat them all down, Giles, Xander, Willow, Dawn, and Angel, because to say it, she hoped it would be easier to move on, to live without the regret of having waited until it was too late, and to somehow let Spike know it had been real too. They accepted her love for him, every single one of them, and had proven they meant it by accepting him when he came back.

Now if only she could get him to stay in one place for long enough, she might finally be able to convince him.


	4. Chapter 4

"I think I figured out a spell."

Willow smiled brightly at Spike, beaming with pride. He swallowed the first, impatient, and exasperated words that came to mind.

"Thinking it is not quite good enough, pet. I'm not an experiment for your labs. There's a very real possibility that even if you are able to break my connection from Peaches, you might end up breaking my connection to earth as well."

He glanced around the room. "Know you're all thinkin' it too, I'm just being brave by saying it."

He could see Buffy scowling at him from beside Willow, but when she didn't speak at first, he knew he was right. She had that fear too.

Buffy did try to go on the defensive, "Willow and Fred have put a ton of time and energy into this, Spike. If they think they can do this, then-"

"I've got no other choice, I know. 'Less I want to live the rest of my undead life at the ponce's bidding and I don't much fancy that. Just thought I'd throw it out there that this might be the last time you see me for real. Alright, Red, it's now or never. I just, well, at least this wasn't hell for awhile."

"We'd miss you too, Spike, promise," but even Xander's smile didn't quite meet his eyes.

Dawn chewed at a strand of hair, Giles cleaned his glasses, and Buffy tapped her fist against her open palm. Fred looked nervous with Wesley offering her small whispers of assurance and Willow, looking a little sick, held Xander's arm. She kept glancing between Buffy and Spike as though waiting for either of them to object. Angel and Cordelia were holding hands and looking sickeningly in love, but at least had the decency to maintain a somber mood, as though they were at a funeral for an old distant uncle. Spike locked eyes with Buffy and nodded at her steely-gazed determination.

"Let's see what happens then."

It took Willow and Fred a painstakingly long half an hour to get everything organized around the room. Now in game face, Willow set with confidence, which made Spike feel a little better. Buffy was not speaking, but stood in a corner to watch over every ministration. Spike kept close to her, wanting to soak up every last moment and detail of her. He could tell she wanted to do something- fight an army of vampires, scream and curse at the world, possibly kiss him- to burn her nervous energy.

As Willow called him over to join her in the circle, he wished ever so that he could hold Buffy's hand, something he realized she had never allowed him to do before, but suspected that she might now. The way she was looking at him made him never want to risk anything, but somehow he tore himself away.

As though in a tunnel, he heard Willow's voice ring out words he did not understand, saw the world tumble away from him as he tried so desperately to hold on, then he hit the floor hard, and prayed it was the solid ground of the lab for which broke his fall. Buffy's voice was calling to him now and as he opened his eyes, he found he didn't care where he was at all, so long as she was real.

Spike sat up and shook his head, trying to adjust his eyesight. Pulling himself up, he stood, brushed the dust off of his clothes, and was pleased to meet flesh. Everyone remained still and silent around him as he re-accustomed to his solid state. Though his eyes sought Buffy, it was Xander who came to him first, a firm clasp of the back and a smile. Fred, then Willow next, hugged him, and he couldn't help but lean into it, the first touch of gentility in a long time. She was replaced by a lunging Dawn who threw her arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. As he rubbed soothing circles on her back, he watched as the Watcher came before him and stuck out his hand in a shake of acceptance. Over Dawn's head, he saw the nod of approval from Angel and a smirk from Cordelia. Willow was able to extract Dawn from him and he couldn't help but feel a shy rush of gratitude and admiration for this strange group.

When Buffy placed a light palm on his lower back, Spike smirked and realized that despite still being dead, he had never quite felt so alive as he did in that moment.

* * *

Now that she had him, solid and stable, Buffy wasn't sure how to proceed. In true Scooby fashion, they understood the importance of celebrating their small victory, pizza for humans, blood for vampires. Watching him, wishing and dreading privacy desperately at the same time, she smiled to herself. Spike went back and forth between playing cool, shy, and excited. And to see him this way, so comfortable among her friends, Buffy felt warm and happy. Every so often, he would look up, searching for her, and offered a small smile when he found her. For her part, she tried to stay close, maintaining a constant grasp on him in the form of fingertips brushing against arm, hand on thigh, head against shoulder, leg against leg.

They were all laughing as Xander reminisced about the best stories of Anya when Buffy felt someone come up behind her and motioned to have a word in private. While it amazed her that both Xander and Willow took so quickly to Spike, and of course Dawn who had forgotten all of their past grievances, and even Angel who had never been a fan, she most worried about Giles. The man she knew as her father figure had accepted her admittance of love for Spike and had promised he would not do him harm when he came back, but with everything going so well, Buffy waited for it to come crashing down.

Giles remained silent, analyzing the group. Buffy couldn't stand the silence.

"It seems someone's happy to have his body back."

He looked at her then. "Quite."

Sighing, she asked, "What is it, Giles?"

"Has it really come to the point where you always just assume the worst from me?"

She looked at him, questioning.

"Fair assessment," he paused, "Usually. But I'm quite pleased to say tonight, I have only good things to share."

Buffy cheered at this notion and Giles continued.

"It's quite possible that even with his body back, Spike might not be able to leave Angel."

Buffy frowned. "You need to work on what you find to be good news."

Giles gave a small smile. "Maybe someone should test it then?"

Her eyes went wide at the suggestion, causing her to blush. The thought had occurred to Buffy as well, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to make it happen.

"I think the Hyperion is far enough away from Angel's apartment to make a solid judgment. The rest of us are heading that way, we'll merely suggest that Spike now needs somewhere to sleep. I do think I'll be the first to go, however, alone."

With a smile and a small wave, Buffy watched the man, who looked both younger and older to her just then, walk out of the lab. She glanced back towards the group to find Spike staring at her, felt her insides melt, and with a sudden jolt, the room felt too crowded.

A long and loud dramatic yawn from Dawn offered Buffy the perfect opportunity. She stepped forward and took her sister's arm.

"I think that's enough excitement for the Summers sisters tonight. I'm going to take Dawn back to the hotel."

The younger girl pouted, while Xander and Willow shared a look that deepened Buffy's blush. She spoke to them a little more harshly than she meant.

"Do the two of you want to share a cab?"

"I dunno," Xander smirked, "Will there be enough room?"

Willow hid a giggle behind her hand.

"Not unless you'd prefer to walk."

With a grumble, Buffy tightened her hold on Dawn and reached an arm out towards Spike, but before she could make contact, she felt herself knocked out of the way.

Someone had scrambled through the door and thrown herself at Spike in a mess of long blonde hair, pink clothes, and flashy jewelry. Harmony had found out about their little ritual.

The vampire sobbed harder now, clutching Spike, who looked shell-shocked, wide-eyed, and deeply apologetic at Buffy. Harmony turned and glared at her. The giddiness that had been building in anticipation of a more private and personal reunion with Spike shattered.

It was Angel who stepped between the three of them, just as Buffy moved forward and Harmony flinched.

"Harm, let the man breathe-well, have space. He just got his body back, he's sensitive."

Unable to help himself, Angel smirked, causing Spike to shoot daggers at him. Harmony pouted, then broke into an evil smile, aimed at Buffy.

"You're exactly right, Boss. Spikey needs his rest. Don't you, Hunny Bear? And where will you be sleeping?"

Angel rolled his eyes. "With me."

Harmony's eyes widened and Angel continued. "He, uh, still can't be separated from me, so he'll have to stay in my apartment, on the couch."

All three of them scowled at this.

"But he's just got his body back! He'll need to be cuddled!"

Xander snorted at Harmony's words, Dawn and Willow giggled, Spike's eyes widened in fear, Buffy reached for her stake, and Angel sighed.

"Yet somehow, I think he'll survive the night. Goodnight, Harmony."

The female vampire pouted herself out of the room, but quickened her pace as Buffy flashed the stake. Angel turned to Buffy, pleading with his eyes. She rolled her own, but nodded and acquiesced. Still holding Dawn's arm, she turned and walked out of the room, followed by Xander and Willow, leaving a disappointed Spike behind.


	5. Chapter 5

Buffy punched the pillow. For a few lousy seconds, she had allowed herself the hope that she would take Spike back with her to the hotel, Dawn would stay with Willow, and she could spend as long as she needed to prove her feelings to Spike. Harmony would of course mess this up, though to be fair, had it not been the blonde vamp, Buffy was sure something would have intervened. Something always did.

When he died, Buffy missed him with profound sorrow. A tender ache ebbed through her in a constant stream with a sharp edge every so often to remind her. To have him back, yet unable to touch, now still out of reach, she missed him even further. Before, the excuse to not be together had been that he was gone. To make herself feel better, Buffy had promised that if by some miracle she was offered a second chance, nothing would keep her from him.

She didn't follow through.

Being out in the chilly night air and making her way back to the hotel, her friends and sister quiet and looking respectfully gloomy for her missed opportunity, Buffy regretted having given in so easily to Angel's excuse. It was Harmony. The girl was no threat, especially when Spike would have willingly come with her.

The truth was, Buffy had been handed an excuse and she chickened out. It was one thing to know that her friends accepted her relationship with Spike and another to finally make it a reality. She didn't like the exposure of it when their relationship was so new and vulnerable. Already, everyone had so many opinions and observations of it, yet the perspectives from the two that mattered still remained unclear.

Flopping back down on her back, Buffy sorted through her options. Had she gotten over herself, she could be lying in Spike's arms, or doing something far more exhilarating, hot and bothered for an entirely different reason, and lost in bliss. Instead, she found herself evading Dawn's sleep-kicking and mouth breathing, an overheated room, and a racing mind.

She tried not to think of all the ways Harmony could sneak herself into Angel's apartment, or lure Spike out, as she certainly had a few of her own. Maybe she read the signals wrong. Maybe Spike didn't mind the bimbo as much as she thought or that he didn't have high standards with whom he reunited. Taking a deep breath and shutting her eyes, she willed herself to calm down, focusing on the expression on Spike's face when Harmony forced herself on him and Buffy walked away. As much as it pained her to have left him, it was comforting now to see it still affected him. Her eyes burst open in fear as to what such an influence might have led him to do in an act of desperation.

Dawn snored louder beside her, causing Buffy to snort.

" _Alright,"_ she thought, " _No, this is good. Had he come back here with me tonight, things could have been good,_ so _good, but since he didn't, it still gives me a chance to take things slow. Ugh, slow is for suckers."_

It was only when Buffy remembered Harmony and the desire to look better than the vampire when she next saw Spike that Buffy was able to will herself to sleep.

* * *

Buffy slept through breakfast. She only woke when Dawn came barging through the door, throwing a croissant and a miniature box of cereal at her feet that she threw herself out of bed, on attack mode. It took her only a few more seconds to register where they were, what had happened the night before, and how quickly she needed to get ready to get back to the Wolfram and Hart building and to Spike.

While Dawn chattered happily on all the reasons why she was so glad Spike was back, how handsome he looked, how brave he was, and wasn't that so sweet with those wishes he made, Buffy showered and dressed, stuffing the food down as she went. They met up with Xander and Willow in the lobby, looking relaxed, albeit a little tense as to how Buffy might react this morning. She offered them a smile, showing them that she was in a good mood, but also determined to get to the offices quickly. It was only when they were back in the cab that she realized Giles wasn't with them.

"I think he was traumatized by what he thought you and Spike were doing last night, Buff, and how he was the one who initiated it," Xander laughed.

"He had no reason to worry."

"Yeah, but there probably will be soon, right?" Dawn asked.

"Dawnie- I can't have this conversation with you. Mostly because I haven't had this conversation yet with Spike, but also, ew."

Dawn rolled her eyes and flipped her hair, as if to show that she was older than they thought.

Willow spoke up, "To answer your question, Giles decided to spend his morning figuring out how we're getting to London, then roaming the vast collection of books Angel stocks in the library of the hotel. Actually, if I'm not needed here, I might head back early and check it out myself."

Buffy nodded, but didn't offer anything in response. She was happy to zone out as Xander took over the conversation with various observations of the landmarks they passed. She wondered if Spike would even be awake now at this hour, though she suspected he might, in anticipation of seeing her. The specialized windows in Angel's building better-helped vampires adjust to the human time zone and Angel at least appeared to run on that schedule.

Buffy hopped out of the cab, leaving the others behind to pay, and strode into the Wolfram and Hart building with purpose. Bypassing security, as they knew her well at this point, she was relieved to find Harmony sitting at her desk, looking miserable. Buffy ignored the vampire's huffing and walked right to Angel's office, but she couldn't help herself and stopped for a second.

"Buffy," Harmony spat out her name.

"Harmony."

"Spikey hasn't come down yet if that's who you're looking for. Angel is in there with Cordy and Fred. Feel free just to go right inside. When Spike does come down, I'll be sure to tell him where you are." She said this in a tone that suggested she would do no such thing.

"Spike will know where I am regardless of what you tell him. Vampire senses."

Harmony upturned her nose and grimaced. "I know. Unfortunately, I have that power myself."

Despite herself, Buffy looked affronted. She turned her body to face Harmony full on and was about to go into attack mode when Xander, Willow, and Dawn greeted them. Hearing the commotion, Angel opened the door to his office and ushered them inside.

"I'll know when Spike is down-" Buffy was able to fit in before the door slammed shut.

She turned on Angel. "Remind me why she's even working for you. It would make me feel so good if I could just stake her."

Angel laughed. "It would almost be like killing one of those innocent unicorn things she loves so much. She's so naïve, it wouldn't be a fair fight."

"I dunno," Xander pretended to look contemplative. "Harmony may look dumb, but she's scrappy. I remember a few times in high school where she clawed me and got downright nasty, and that was before she got all fangy."

"Oh! Remember how she used to hit us with her purse? Every time was different, definitely crafty. Had I not been trying to save myself, I might have felt a little impressed," Willow said.

Buffy glared at them, before turning to Angel again.

"Where is Spike?"

"Sleeping. And don't worry, he and only he, slept all night. Had him drink a few more cupfuls of blood since I'm sure wherever he was knocked a pint or two out of him. He seems better though, after the shock of Willow's spell and Harmony's Harmony-thing."

Buffy nodded. "Good. Um, do you need us here? Willow mentioned going back to the hotel to take a look at all those books with Giles and I think Xander and Dawn wanted to fit in some sight-seeing. We're going to be leaving soon. And I'm sure you and Cordy won't mind some time alone. I could, um, go wake Spike and see if I could get him away from you. For research purposes, of course. See that he can actually physically be away from you."

Angel smirked, while the rest of them looked away from each other to keep from laughing.

"Be my guest, on all accounts. Fair warning though, he's a terror first thing."

Halfway out the door, Buffy gave them all an evil grin. "Oh, I'm not worried. I think I'll be fair more pleasant to wake up to."

* * *

Buffy hesitated at the door. It was one thing to put on a brave face when competing with Harmony, but to do so alone was terrifying. She now understood what he had meant that night.

During the threat of the apocalypse, Buffy could not allow herself to think about the future. Her relationship with Spike had been almost easy in the friendship, comfort, and romantic sort of ways because she didn't have to define it. It took losing him, but winning the war to realize that she wanted to define it, but she was also scared of losing what they had built. She knew she was a different person than she had been when their relationship had first started and he definitely was, and the dynamic had grown deeper.

The dangers of going into this full force hit her for the first time. They could do the sex thing and they could do the friend thing, but neither had been good at doing both in the past, with each other or otherwise. Although he had been dedicated to Dru and she had loved Angel, it was never without the angst and doom that seemed to rip their relationships apart. Buffy had enough angst in her life than to allow past feelings and doubts to tarnish the connection between her and Spike. He didn't trust her feelings yet, which he proved every time he looked between her and Angel, despite all the words she said to him. Even with the soul and his sacrifice, he still believed himself to be beneath her, which shouldn't surprise her as she expended so much energy into making him believe that. If they were to have a true relationship, Buffy wanted it to grow from a place of mutual love, respect, and understanding. Just because she was finally ready for it, didn't mean that he was. She just had to be patient.

With a pang, she realized, Spike, as always, would take what he could get. She needed him to trust her that she would give him everything that he wanted to give her.

A new perspective set, Buffy's senses told her to turn around and give him space as the tinglies at the back of her neck raised and she heard the door open. Standing in a pair of what had to be Angel's borrowed pajama bottoms and his signature black t-shirt, now scorched and torn, Spike looked upon her with a questioning, sleepy gaze that made her heart swell and ache.

 _Yes,_ she thought, _she could give this man everything._

Working to mat down the curls that arose from bed-head, Spike arched an eyebrow at her silence, stepped aside, and extended an arm in invitation. It wouldn't bode well to turn down such an offer, even if she couldn't do anything fun about it.

Buffy sat down on the couch he must have just vacated as she picked up the pillow and placed it on top of the blanket that was bunched up at the other end.

"So, uh, good morning."

Spike eyed her, a serious tone in his voice. "Don't think I don't know why you're here, Slayer."

Her heart quickened.

"Wanted to get a good look at Peaches' apartment without making it too obvious. Am I right?"

The thought did occur to her then that it would be interesting to take a look around at Angel's space, out of curiosity, not that she really cared. Realizing that he was teasing her, she relaxed and sat back against the cushion.

"Man of mystery must have some skeletons hidden in his closet."

"We always do."

Buffy scoffed. "Sorry, Spike, but you're not that big of a mystery."

"That right?" He stepped closer to the couch, a quirk of suggestion in his approach.

She shivered, trying to backtrack and remember the whole taking-it-slow thing.

"Yup, really, it's a good thing you're so sensitive.

Stopping in his tracks, he gawked at her.

"Sensitive, I-"

"Don't worry, it's cute."

"Cute? Now you're just being offensive."

He pouted and huffed down in the chair opposite her as she fell back onto the couch into a giggling fit, but by the time she composed herself, he was smiling at her, his eyes alight. Clearing her throat, she sat up, and met his stare. My God, he was so, well, _soulful._

Buffy had to tear herself away before she lost herself and all common sense completely. She turned her attention to the rest of him, reaffirming that he was still there and seemingly all right. Her voice was softer than she intended.

"Have you eaten yet today?"

"Just woke up. Sensed you were outside the door."

A slight blush crept over, so she rolled her eyes and crossed her legs to cover it.

"Well, you need blood and then we need to get you out of here, to make sure that you can, you know, be separated from Angel."

Spike rolled his own eyes at that.

"Fancy myself a road trip far _far_ from here. Feels like I've been in a cage."

"Have we really been that insufferable?"

"Ever feel like you need a good, hard stretch but you can't satisfy the craving? Try being incorporeal. And being kept inside. I need the hunt."

"You won't get too far right now with the whole sun in the sky thing."

"Why I suggested the road trip. Peaches got himself a whole selection of cars with specialized windows. Fancy accompanying me?"

Part of Buffy wondered if it wouldn't be a good idea to let him roam free for awhile, grow accustomed to his body again, but the other felt as though she needed to soak up every second with him, regardless of where they stood.

She smirked. "Gonna wear that?"

Spike raised an eyebrow in confusion, but looked down at himself and swore.

"Shirt's fine, but they ripped my one pair of jeans to pieces."

"The shirt is disgusting and needs a good wash."

"Could go naked-"

Buffy jumped off the couch.

"Oh! We could go shopping." At the look on his face, she hesitated. "Or, I could go shopping for you, just pick up a few things, and you can eat and definitely shower. Then we can go on this so-called road trip of yours and be back for a really solid patrol before sunrise."

"Pet- Buffy-"

She was already out the door, her eyes ablaze with excitement.

"I'll be back in an hour- two tops-"

Spike had never felt this kind of nervous before.


	6. Chapter 6

The thought of shopping for Spike made Buffy feel warm all over. It wasn't so much that she cared what he wore, but the act itself was so intimate and simple, so opposite what had made up their relationship in the past. Keeping it to a few pairs of the black jeans he liked so much, a few black t-shirts, and one of each in assorted colors for her personal benefit, Buffy only had to stop at one store. It left her with a few minutes to browse for herself, in part to give her some time to think things over. Meandering through the aisles, she fingered through clothes and realized with an excited pang that she could try them on. All this time she now had was such a sensation.

Leaving the store and armed with half a closet full of new clothes, she decided to stop back at the hotel first to get settled. In the morning, she had been in such a rush that she still didn't feel as though she was truly awake. Everything these days left her feeling as though she was walking on clouds, but she wanted to slow down and savor the experience.

Just outside the lobby of the hotel, Buffy stopped into the library to sneak a peek at Giles, now joined by Willow, lost in bliss. Even she, who didn't much care to take part in the research side of things, felt impressed by the vastness of the hall and the books that lined the shelves. Giles roamed, his fingertips tapping over each spine as though it were a precious gift, and she smiled to herself, imagining the awe that must be lining his face. Willow was curled up in a large comfy chair, a book in her lap, and a large pile stacked next to her. With the sight before her and the knowledge that Dawn and Xander had taken her suggestion to go sight-seeing, Buffy realized that they too had the time to indulge in the activities they loved just for the sake of it.

Back in the room, she laid her new clothes out on the bed and selected the tight, dark jeans that hit all of her curves, but would be camouflaged as semi-casual when paired with the dark red tank top she thought was flirty, but not too revealing. She took great pleasure in the idea of dressing up for Spike, but she also had no idea where this road trip of his would take them, nor how roughed up things could get on patrol later. Briefly, she considered running a bath, but filed the idea away for later, knowing that a certain vampire of hers would be fidgeting at the door, waiting for her to take him out.

But what a sad concept that was, to think of him in such a way. For so many years, Spike had lived his life in the way she allotted him- her friends, her enemies, her battles, her seductions, her choices. The only thing that truly belonged to him was the soul and even that he had gotten for her. It struck her then, that he might love her, may have devoted his life to her, died for her, but that didn't mean she was good for him. So much time she had spent thinking he wasn't good for her, only to realize that he was, and she wasn't.

Startled, she shook her head, threw her shoes back on and rushed out the door. She would compromise, could compromise, and she would start by accepting his destination and working up as much excitement about it as she could muster.

* * *

He was standing at the door waiting for her by the time she stepped out of the elevator. Taken aback, she looked up at him, questioning, but he just smirked and mumbled something about vampire senses and Angel and Cordelia being back home. Buffy prayed that he had not been waiting for her outside all that long and attempted to hide her grimace of guilt.

Handing him the bag of his clothes, she watched as he rifled through it, pleased to hear his muttering of satisfaction. When he stepped inside the apartment to change and drop off the rest of it, she wasn't surprised when he stepped out again wearing the jeans and one of the black t-shirts. His docs were tattered but wearable, his hair gelled back, but slightly less peroxide-blond, and she thought the only thing missing was the jacket he loved so much. She vowed to get him a new one as soon as possible.

His pacing in the hallway and tapping fingers of one hand against the wall and swirling the keys in the other, waiting for the elevator, proved just how antsy he was to get outside. Whenever he turned to look at her, she tried to match his smile, to stay in this moment and enjoy just spending time with him, but guilt and doubt ebbed at her. He could sense it too and it was killing her.

In the elevator, he reached out a hand, as though to take hers in his, but pulled back and weaved it through his hair. She could feel his eyes on her, so she glanced up and smiled at him encouragingly. Though her fingers twitched and tingled in desire to reach out to him, she knew he had to be the one to initiate it now. She could no longer be the dictator of this relationship. He didn't take her hint.

"Spike-"

But the elevator dinged and opened, revealing that they were now below the lobby and in the garage that was stocked with Angel's cars. Spike let out an impressed expletive as he stepped off the elevator and stood before the collection, astounded.

"What is it with boys and cars?"

When he didn't break from his reverie, she giggled and nudged a shoulder into him.

"C'mon, I know they're good to look at, but I bet they're even better to ride."

Buffy flushed at the obvious suggestion in her comment, but all she got from him was a quirked eyebrow and slight smirk. She had handed him the perfect opportunity for innuendo and he still kept his mouth shut.

 _Damn him and his new resolve._

It did prompt him into motion, clicking the beeper in his hand and looking around in anticipation for his prize. It was black and sleek, small and cozy with those special vampire windows and that's all Buffy cared about. Spike strode over to it in a matter of steps, opened the door of the passenger side for her and ushered her in with slight impatience. Game face on, she stopped a few feet away and shrugged.

"What if I want to drive?"

"Very funny, Pet. Peaches actually loaned me the car with the promise I wouldn't let you drive."

Now she was pissed.

"That- you- rude boys!"

She might have stomped her foot a little, but there was a fire alight in his eyes that wiped away any real frustration she felt for him in that instance. Instead of firing back or refusing to get into the car, she stalked over and sat down, glaring at him as she went, but when he shut the door behind her with a small laugh, she couldn't help but smile. Things between them might have gotten bad at times, really very bad, but there were good times too. Buffy decided to focus on those for the time being.

Spike took a second to settle into the driver's seat and Buffy tried not to roll her eyes as he made a show of touching the steering wheel, fixing the mirror, and massaging the dashboard. With a flick of his wrist, the engine roared to life and Spike sailed them out of the garage and into the streets of LA. They didn't talk for the time it took them to maneuver out of the city where Spike could pick up speed on the highway. She didn't ask where they were going and Spike didn't offer a hint, but she found she felt very comfortable sitting in the silence of his company, alternating between glancing out the window and watching him as he drove. He looked peaceful, the sunlight shining on his face. Feeling warm and fuzzy, her hand was halfway to touching his cheek when his voice broke out.

"Aha! We must be miles out of the city now, Luv, which means I'm not tied down to the ponce after all. 'Less of course the tie binds me to his belongings too, which would just mean I'd have to take the car with me is all and that would be a perk."

She smiled. "It's like you're a new man."

"My own man now, I am."

"As it should be," her voice was firm.

Spike looked over at her, but she turned and looked out the window.

"Are you alright, Luv?"

"Peachy." Buffy tried to keep her voice calm and cheery.

"Afraid of where I'm taking you?"

His voice was so serious that she turned and met his eyes, her own widening.

"Not at all."

"Then why do I keep losing you?"

"You're not- I- I'm just contemplative is all. It's the ride. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've been in the car with no direction, no purpose. I'm Relaxing Buffy."

"Relaxing Buffy still looks like she's carrying the world on her shoulders."

"Old habits die hard, I guess."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"No-"

"Fine."

"Not now, but soon. I know we need to talk, Spike, but right now- I just- I promise soon."

"Sure thing, Slayer."

Spike's voice had cooled considerably. They had just recently started being good about the whole talking thing and she knew that there was a lot more to be said, and maybe a long car ride would be a good time to do it, but she preferred to have her thoughts more organized and the both of them on the same level. He was still letting her control everything and to point this out, would be as though she was directing him again.

"Was your first car like, one of those wagon things?"

It took a minute for her words to sink in, surprised that she was speaking and had made such a change of subject that his mouth dropped open in horror. Buffy suppressed a giggle and tried to appear serious. She hadn't meant to initiate a long and detailed conversation about all the cars Spike had owned and loved over the years, but she didn't mind listening to his voice as he talked about something he was so passionate about.

Mid-afternoon, Spike scooted off the highway to stop at a diner where Buffy ran in to relieve herself and pick up something to eat. The sun was still shining bright and hot, so Spike stayed seated in the car. When she came back, balancing two coffees and two bags worth of food, they ate in the car, still parked. She could tell he wanted to go outside and stretch his legs, but when he suggested it, even with something to cover him, she balked at the idea. Spike and rays of burning sunshine turning him dusty were still the stuff in which her nightmares were made. She remained firm even when he pouted and asked where her sense of adventure had gone.

"We could head back to LA. By the time we got there, it would be close to dark and we could go patrol. Get your stretchies on then."

"Think there's a place I'd like to stop first."

"Oh?"

"We'll be leaving soon, yeah? California I mean."

"Yup. Back to your home country and covered wagons."

"Very funny. I forget how uncultured you are."

"I am not uncultured, you swine. Forgive me for having to stay back in a literal Hellhole to protect the world while everyone else had the ability to travel as they please. I'll have you know that I am very cultured and wise and once I do start traveling, my knowledge will only expand and-"

"Know where we are, Luv?"

"Don't try to test me on geography right now, Spike. I'm already upset with you and you know perfectly well I haven't been paying attention to exactly where we've been driving nor do I have any access to a map that, by the way, I could totally read and understand if I wanted to and-"

"Close to Sunnydale."

She was careful with her next words, the mood shifting.

"There is no Sunnydale, Spike."

"Like to see what happened to it."

"You mean what you did to it?"

"I- it wasn't on purpose, Slayer, I-"

"I meant that as a compliment."

"Yeah well," he paused, but Buffy knew to wait. "Want to see what came of it, is all. Never got the chance to make sense of it."

"You, hero. Big Bad, boom."

"More than one."

"You're not so much of the Big Bad, hate to break it to you."

He turned away from her. "I shouldn't have brought you with me."

"Well, I'm sorry I'm so reluctant to go stare at a giant hole I used to call home."

"Fine. I'll drop you back in LA, yeah? Let you get back to your shopping and your friends and your happy new life with your sunny disposition and we can pretend that none of this really happened."

It was the 'your,' 'your,' 'your,' that did it.

"Spike, no, I- You're right, let's go to Sunnydale."

He looked over at her suspiciously.

"Is this some kind of test?"

"Nope, nothing of the test sort. You're right. Closure is of the good. Yo- we need this."

"I'll be damned," he raised an eyebrow at her.

"What?"

"Buffy Summers just said I was right, twice in the same breath."

"Just start the car already."

"If that's what you want, then-"

"It's what you want and that's what matters."

He looked at her again, confused, but didn't say anything. Conversation was casual until the sky began to darken, fewer cars joined them on the highway, and road signs disappeared and they fell silent again.

Through shielded eyes, Buffy could make out the outline of the crack of the fallen city. Spike stopped the car as close as he could get, shut off the transmission and was out the door before Buffy could take off her seatbelt. From her place inside the car, she shivered, but turned her head to watch as he walked in the opposite direction. By the way he had his hands positioned, she thought he might be talking to himself. She didn't know what to say, didn't think there was much she could say, so she waited until he stopped his pacing and turned to look in the opposite direction.

For as close as he was to the hole, Buffy feared one burst of wind would knock him over. Careful and quiet, she edged out of the car, shut the door, and joined him on the other side, her hand light on his back. Buffy was relieved that it was dark and she couldn't see much, but she figured with his vampire senses, Spike could see a lot more. After awhile of standing in silence, he stepped away from her, her arm falling back to her side and she felt the loss of his warmth and support. Before she could move, his hand found hers and held it.

She edged their entwined hands up, clutching them to her heart as she laid her head down on his shoulder. Wetness from his silent tears she hadn't known he was shedding met her hair, but she didn't flinch. Looking out towards the place she had once called home, Buffy finally understood the significance and the sacrifice of what lay at her feet. Glancing up, she smiled at Spike, realizing the significance and the sacrifice of what could be her future.


	7. Chapter 7

Buffy was all for the hand-holding and star-gazing now that a peaceful feeling took hold, but the night was growing colder and her legs were sore from having sat and stood in place for so long. Spike must have noticed her trembling because his hand twitched in hers, signaling that he was ready to go back to LA.

There was no argument this time when he held the passenger side door open, but she wasn't happy about breaking contact when her hand fell out of his and he took his place behind the wheel. With a last glance towards the crater that was once their home, Spike started the car and reversed. Despite herself, Buffy felt sleep tugging heavy on her eyelids. Before allowing sleep to take over, her hand found his again lingering over the gear.

* * *

Spike didn't know what to think about the past few days. Seeing Sunnydale, or the lack thereof it, made it all seem so real somehow. Having been so focused on figuring out what had happened to him and getting his body back, he hadn't had time to think about the end. It was strange, to say goodbye to this part of his life, but now he felt as though he really could move forward to the next phase.

Whatever that might be.

As it always seemed to be, he couldn't get the woman sitting next to him out of his head. She was snoring softly, though he knew from past experience that to suggest it to her waking form would not be worth the indignation. This kindness, warmth, and support from her had started back in Sunnydale, but it had always seemed to have an expiration date. But now there was action, a new start, and she wanted him to be a part of it. What place she had in mind for him, he wasn't sure, and he was still trying to decide if he wanted to know.

Sure, it seemed that for the time being, her and Peaches weren't as love struck as they usually were, but that 'hello' kiss had only been a few weeks ago from his estimation and he had all but handed her off to him, no soul-losing clauses included, with his wishes- which by the way, he was still pissed at the Powers for jipping him on the full three that were promised. Not that he had any right to hand her off to anyone. The Cordelia angle was interesting, not to mention that Buffy and crew would be hauling off to England within the next few days, him included, leaving Peaches and his new girl behind.

All of these questions remained on his lips, unasked, but she seemed to be more receptive to talking as of late, for the most part, and he was afraid what he might conjure. The touching was a recent acquisition to their relationship too, not that he was complaining, but he didn't dare move his hand now barricaded against the gear by her hand. Spike was afraid that she would move it in her sleep, but every time she shifted, she seemed to be moving closer to him. By the crater, he had acted brazenly, instigating the hand-holding and she had surprised the hell out of him by pulling him in closer. With her, it was always about finding a balance, and it could be exciting testing the waters.

Or it could kill him. Probably, most definitely, the latter.

And he may be thick-headed and an eternal optimist when it comes to Buffy Summers, but it had seemed that she was ready to take him back with her to the hotel last night and had been jealous when Harmony stormed in and tried to leave her mark on him. Non-soul-having Spike would have jumped at the opportunity to fuel that jealousy even further, but he was done with the angst.

Spike suspected the next few weeks would include a lot more thinking than his noggin could handle, but for now, with the stars shining above and the road endless in front of him, he was content to focus his nerve endings on the feel of her hand on his.

* * *

Buffy's eyes shuttered open when the lights of the city started popping up. Though still sleepy, she was able to navigate them back to the hotel, her heart beating hard in her chest, all common sense she had thought up earlier escaping her tingly mind. She watched with a slight smirk and an exaggerated eye roll as Spike hesitated to hand the valet the keys to the car, which broke into a full smile as his eyes widened when she took his hand and led them into the hotel and through the lobby.

The wait in the elevator was excruciating. Buffy felt her heart zing with every ding, signifying they were passing by another floor. Once on hers, the walk from the elevator to her room, which she had not even considered this morning, felt akin to her journey down to meet the Master, though she hoped she would be met with far more friendly and pleasurable results.

Spike lingered in the doorway, hesitant, but her voice rang out clear in invitation and she had to keep herself from pulling him inside. Her hand still in his, she turned her body to face him full on and took his other hand. Looking at their entwined hands, she remembered the moment down in the Hellmouth, took a deep breath, then met his face. Before either could ruin the moment with words, Buffy saw Spike open his mouth to speak, to question, to wonder, and so she leaned forward.

She felt his breath hot on her face, could almost taste his lips, and sensed the nervous swallow down his throat. As they met with the slightest touch, Dawn's voice shattered the silence, and Spike pulled away from her, stung. Buffy watched with regret, still shivering from anticipation, as he paced a few steps backwards to lean against the door and swiped his hand through his hair, his new go-to move when he was nervous.

Buffy forced herself to turn towards Dawn.

"I thought you and Xander might still have been out. Enjoying a nice dinner or- or something."

"It's like one in the morning, dinner was hours ago. Though I wouldn't object to a late-night snack if you're suggesting it."

"We're in the city. We're young, especially you. You guys should go _out_ for that late night snack. Xander's always down for snacks. Willow too probably. Maybe even Giles."

"No way. I've barely been able to spend any time with Spike since he's been back, Miss Hoggy and- and- oh- oh my God- Buffy-"

Buffy raised her eyebrows to get Dawn to stop talking and the younger girl cut-off, blushed, and looked wide-eyed at Spike.

"I'll totally go and find out about that snack."

She made to move, but Spike shook himself out of his haze, clearing his throat.

"No need, Niblet. It's late. I think everyone's knackered and cozied up in their beds. Fetch yourself something from the vending machine if you please. Tomorrow, we'll spend some catch up time, yeah?"

Spike reached into his pocket, pulled out a few dollars, and handed them to her. For a second, he looked as though he might hug her, but thought better of it, tapped her shoulder and half-turned towards Buffy.

"Uh, thanks, Slayer. For today. Needed that."

Buffy felt shell-shocked for a second, but stepped forward.

"But- where are you going to go? It's late, Angel might be-"

"Vampire, remember? Keeps different hours."

"But him and Cordy-"

Spike wrinkled his nose.

"True, I 'spect the ponce won't mind fitting the bill for a room here. For privacy sake."

"But-"

Both Summers women tried to think of an excuse that might make him stay, but he offered them a shy smile in return and headed out the door with a muttering of 'good night.'

Buffy sat down on the bed in a huff as Dawn turned nervously towards her.

"Sorry, I'll learn how to pick up on signals better."

"That's not- Don't worry. It's your room too, I wasn't thinking."

"Spike lips on your brain?" Dawn offered with a smile as she sat down next to her.

"Hardly. We were just getting to that part," Buffy paused looking wistful. "But it's fine. Good actually, because it would have been way too soon and we still haven't talked exactly and uh, well, as you can see, he still looks more afraid of me than I'd like."

"I was wondering about that. He looks kind of afraid of me too."

"It's still an adjustment period for all of us. Kind of hard to process emotions and relationships with the remnants of another apocalypse lingering."

"I wish I had told him we were okay. Before it happened."

Buffy scoffed. "Trust me, that didn't work either."

"But we have time now, right?"

Buffy looked up at her and smiled. "A lot of time, hopefully. And you know what? We'll be leaving for England soon and yeah, it'll take some time to adjust and whatnot, but we'll settle in together and things will return to normal. Better than normal. A new normal."

"Can you wait that long?"

"No, but this isn't just about me. I've got you and all of these new slayers and my slaying responsibilities, not to mention Xander and Willow and Giles and-"

"Spike?"

"Definitely Spike."

"Can't we just tell him how we feel?"

"I think we- well, me- I spent so much time telling him things and doing the opposite that he doesn't know what to believe."

"Then we'll show him. It has to be a good sign that he's coming with us, right?"

"Definitely of the good."

"And Giles said we're leaving tomorrow night."

"Then we better listen to that vampire of ours and get some rest because we've got a busy day tomorrow. New lives to start."

Buffy stood up with a nod and started walking towards the bathroom.

"Buffy?"

The older girl paused and turned back towards her sister.

"It's already better, you know? With the whole talking and doing thing. For the record, I think you've been doing really good, for all of us."

Buffy smiled. "Thanks, Dawnie."

* * *

Spike had made sure to get himself the nicest suite the hotel had to offer. He made it very clear to a nervous-looking front desk worker that the room was to be comped, as well as any purchases he might use in addition. One of the perks of staying in a hotel owned by a vampire was the access to all the blood he could need in all different animal varieties. Now cooped up in his room, lying on his king sized bed, and staring out the window out into the city, he felt content. More so than he deserved, and yet, a big part of him felt as though he had missed out on a huge opportunity. Or had saved himself a lot of trouble.

Dawn had at least.

Spike recognized the familiar fire in the slayer's eyes as she had looked at him. It would have been nice to explore that potential, but with a fresh bag of blood digesting in his system and a chance to be on his own, in his own space, for the first time in a very long time, he found that his thoughts were not as chaotic.

The walls in his suite were soundproof. No chorus of teenage girl whining and shrieking could be heard. He didn't have the poof watching his every move or Buffy looking at him in that confusing, albeit intriguing way, or else one of her Scooby Gang with their odd sympathetic glances. Not that he minded all of it, save the ponce and the teenaged slayers, but a vampire with a soul needed a chance to stew on his own for awhile.

Back in Buffy's room, Spike knew that a lot could have happened to alter their relationship, and that both of them were open to it. Just the whisper of her lips against his had made his head swirl and his demon purr, but the souled man in him felt a little relief when Dawn had interrupted. He wanted this. He suspected Buffy wanted it too. Dawn had been the one to knock some sense into him, to slow him down. This time, he could be the romantic, the poet, the seducer and would not be met with punches, harsh words, or hate. He would not hurt Buffy or try to bring her down to his level because he would exert every ounce of himself to living up to hers. He would take things slow, allow her to set the pace, and see what took hold of them naturally.

He fully expected to work through his thoughts further when he heard a loud knocking on his door and realized he had fallen asleep. Spike stumbled out of bed and found Dawn standing in the hallway, carrying a breakfast tray that included toast, eggs, juice, and blood. Of all the relationships he was seeking to mend or forge, Dawn would be the easiest.

"Niblet," he greeted her with a nod. "Your sister know where you are?"

"Yeah, sort of. I left a note. Buffy's still sleeping and then she'll have to pack. You wouldn't believe the amount of stuff she's managed to rack up in these past few weeks. Money-having Buffy is definitely more fun, but it shows off her messy side."

Spike let her in with a laugh and shut the door behind them.

Dawn settled herself in at the small table and immediately began chattering away, which was fine with Spike because he wouldn't have known how to start off the conversation. She was a bit shriller than usual, more excitable, and somehow had the ability to talk while keeping a wide, bright smile on her face, while her eyes flickered over him in what looked like concern and observation. She was going on about what she and Xander had done the day before and how she was even more excited about the tourist thing in London and how it was good because Xander had only looked sad and withdrawn a handful of times throughout the day and that was progress.

It was only when she slipped out that they would be leaving that evening did he think it would be a good idea to stop her ranting. She happily obliged, only after he promised to sit with her on the plane, and stood before him at the door, arms slightly open at her side, looking at him expectantly. Comfort level already at ease, Spike didn't feel anywhere as nervous about initiating a hug, though she held on longer than he expected.

* * *

The sun was still shining bright in the afternoon sky when they made it back to Wolfram and Hart. Spike had been looking forward to this goodbye for quite some time, though he was chagrined to accept that Angel hadn't been completely awful. He had walked into the ponce's office with his head held high, Buffy close to his side, and shaken his hand. The older vampire had accepted, wished him luck, and then told him he would not miss him with a smile. Spike was very clear in agreement, but had smiled as well. He opened his mouth to offer another kind-hearted insult when the door flew open and a teary Harmony burst into the room.

He felt Buffy's slayer senses tingle to life, but instead of pulling out her stake, she settled for rolling her eyes. When he confirmed that he would indeed be leaving with Buffy and company for England, Harmony had run out of the room as fast and as loud as she had entered. Spike felt a strange mixture of annoyance, amusement, and guilt that Harmony offered him the dramatic grand gestures of love he so often desired and he wanted nothing to do with her. As Harmony left, a silence took hold of the room.

It was Giles who checked his watch and declared that it was time to go. He had the group carry out all of the luggage they had somehow managed to horde since coming to LA.

Buffy waited and watched as everyone shuffled out of the room. Standing in front of him, alone for the first time in awhile, Buffy felt it was strange to be saying goodbye to Angel. She looked up at him and for a second, she remembered the young girl she used to be and why she had loved him. That love felt faded now, though she knew he would always be special to her.

She was half laughing when she told him, "You know, it's funny, all these years I kept thinking, 'what-if' and 'maybe someday.'

"And now?"

Buffy thought of a hundred things she could have said to make him understand, though with how well things were going with Cordy, she suspected that he already knew. Instead, she leaned in and kissed him, her lips gentle against his. There was no spark, no tinglies, just a strange comfort from an old friend.

* * *

Xander stared at Spike who looked like a standing corpse, his mouth open, eyes wide, not breathing, his bag gripped tightly in his hand. Spike had told him all about Angel's car collection and they had stopped to go back to his office with one final pleading to get something out of him, not that they thought he would concede, but rather just to be able to annoy him one last time. Neither had expected to find Buffy or the two of them locked in a cozy embrace. As soon as Buffy and Angel's lips met, Spike came alive again and stormed away. Xander started after him.

* * *

Buffy pulled away from Angel. Looking at each other, they burst out laughing.

"Nothing," he shook his head, looking relieved.

"Not one feel."

Sitting back, she sighed in contentment before getting another glance at Angel and giggling again.

"What?"

"You're not all Broody Boy."

"Yeah well, you're giggly."

"I'm sorry, I just can't- Cordelia? I'm not over it."

"Spike!"

"Touche. He's just so cute though."

"He must love you if he hasn't killed you for calling him that."

"Wish he'd say it again."

"A guy needs time after getting thrust into Hell and back."

"We can joke about that now?"

Angel glared at her, causing Buffy to burst out laughing again.

* * *

Xander was rounding the corner when Spike came barreling back and almost knocked him over.

"Spi-"

Spike silenced him with a glare and continued to storm back towards Angel's office. Not knowing what to expect, Xander composed himself and followed after, coming to a halt as he found the vampire standing in the doorway again.

* * *

Buffy swallowed the air to stop laughing, took a deep breath, and stood before him. Taking his hand, she patted it between hers and smiled.

"I love you, you know."

"I love you too, Buffy."

Still smiling, she let go of his hand and stepped back.

"God, I'll have to tell Spike." Her voice was a mixture of fear and amusement.

Angel grimaced. "Just make sure I'm not there to see it."

Buffy laughed again, though it was more subdued this time. "So 'what-if' and 'maybe some day?"

* * *

Xander expected to see the familiar anger radiating off of Spike, held his breath waiting for him to storm into the room and break up the scene, but instead he was met with hooded eyes and an essence of defeat. He put up a hand on Spike's shoulder to offer some sort of comfort, however odd it felt to be providing such a gesture. Not waiting to hear Angel's response, Spike shook off Xander's hand and stalked off, his head down. Confused and wishing he hadn't caught any of this part of his friend's life, he followed behind, wondering why love had to be so complicated.

* * *

"No more."

"Not ever. Finito."

Buffy held out her hand and after a skeptical look, Angel grasped hers and shook it.

"Go on back to your girl."

"And go get your vampire."

Buffy sighed and took a step towards the doorway. An odd sense enveloping her, she frowned and peaked around the corner. Finding nothing, she shook her head and looked back at Angel once more.

"In time, I fully intend to. For now, I have a plane to catch."


	8. Chapter 8

"Hey, Deadboy Jr.," Xander shouted into the night, squinting his eyes and trying to make out Spike in the darkness. "Can't travel too far, we've-"

Silently, Spike walked out of the shadows, a cigarette between his teeth.

"Oh good, I haven't had enough scares to last me a lifetime. Do you, uh- do you want to talk about what happened in there or-?"

"Rather you stake me and eat my dust."

Xander sighed with relief. "Fine, no, that's good with me. But hey, maybe you should talk to Buffy, maybe-"

"Talk to Buffy about what?"

Considering she had just left the supposed love of her life once again, Xander expected her to look more downcast, bordering on distraught, but her cheeriness and composure threw him. It didn't even look like a façade.

"Uh, hey, Buff-"

"Said goodbye to Peaches then, for now?"

Buffy turned to look at him, cocking her head to the side with a look of exasperation.

"Good," Spike tossed the cigarette away and stormed over to where Giles, Dawn, and Willow were waiting in the cabs.

Buffy glanced at Xander, as though to ask, 'what's with him,' but he didn't share her smile. Shrugging her shoulders, she murmured something that sounded a lot like _stupid men_ and followed Spike. Giles and Willow were sitting in one cab with Dawn and Spike now in another. She intended to join them, to shake Spike from whatever mood he found himself in now, when Xander cut in front of her and took the spot instead. Thinking it was some sort of joke, she hesitated for a moment, her hand still on the handle, but when Xander didn't move and Spike refused to look at her, she looked towards an equally confused Dawn before admitting defeat and joining Willow and Giles.

* * *

As Willow and Giles conversed about their findings in the library and how much they wished they had more time, Buffy stewed in silence. Inside, she was raging at Spike's bad mood, but even more confused by Xander's sudden siding with the vampire, over what she could only imagine. By the time they were at the airport, Buffy resigned herself to remaining calm and to simply ask Spike what was bothering him. She suspected it had something to do with Angel after how loudly both had scoffed when Willow mentioned how nice it had been for Angel to secure a private plane for their trip to England.

Once she had stowed her baggage, taken a few deep breaths for courage, Buffy looked towards where Spike was sitting, staring out into the blackness of the night, and went to sit next to him. For the second time that night, her plans were thwarted, this time by an over-excited Dawn shouting out that she had "called it." When Spike looked up alarmed, his eyes had found Buffy's and for a moment, she thought that everything would be all right as his first look offered amusement. Matching her gaze, his face contorted into a frown and he turned away from her, though he murmured something to Dawn that made the girl smile.

Buffy huffed instead into the seat next to Giles who was scribbling into a notebook, his glasses on the tip of his nose. The man looked surprised when he found Buffy next to him, but when he turned his head and saw Spike and Dawn sitting next to each other, he offered her a small laugh of, 'of course.'

Giles seemed content to let them sit in silence. She could hear Xander's snoring and Willow's even breathing in front of her. For a long time, she could hear Dawn and Spike's murmuring and Dawn's loud laughter, and Buffy yearned to join them. She could have, them being on a private plane and well on course at this point, but Spike's gaze was haunting her.

The day had been busy and she hadn't exactly had the chance to talk to Spike about everything that had happened the day before- Sunnydale, the kiss, Angel, their future- but she knew she hadn't had the time to do anything wrong. Not this time.

She wondered if having a soul made a vampire broodier than usual or if it pertained just to the two she had fallen in love with. Her stomach gurgled at that thought, having fallen out of love with Angel and in love with Spike. And she was willing to admit it, to everyone but him it seemed. And she would tell him, definitely, soon, for sure, except his mood and emotional state seemed fragile at the moment and she didn't want to ruin anything before it started. Not again.

It was only when she pulled Giles away from his notebook to tell her his plans for building the new slayer corporation that she was able to clear her mind and fall asleep.

* * *

Spike was starting to suspect that he would spend the entire flight listening to Dawn gossip about everything and absolutely nothing. He would have tried to match her enthusiasm for the big move, his epic return to his homeland, had he been able to get the images of Buffy and Angel's kiss combined with their heartfelt 'I love yous' floating through his mind. He hadn't realized that she had stopped talking and fallen asleep until his shoulder felt heavy and he broke from his thoughts to find her asleep on it.

Outside, the sky was still dark. The lights in the plane Angel had so kindly procured for them dimmed and he sensed that all of his cabin-mates were asleep. Listening to the hum of the plane, Spike felt himself calm as his thoughts came into focus.

It was all very clear now, all of the things he had done wrong in his undead life, especially within the past few years. The very best thing he had done was to sacrifice himself for the world, but the world had gone and spat him out again. He knew he would never live up to his Champion moment, but he also knew he couldn't revert back to past Spikeisms.

His feelings for Buffy, for example.

He loved the lady, more so than he ever had before, and bleeding hell he knew he could never leave her, not when she was still carrying on saving the world, but he could let her go, dust away any and all crumbs she may or may not have been throwing at him over the years and just accept this strange sort-of friendship that had blossomed. He could be kinder to her friends and do the job that was asked of him, but he would at least free her and the rest of them from the repercussions of his unrequited love. Dying felt easier, more natural, than this, but it would be better in the long run, even for him.

Maybe he'd even start to believe it.

He couldn't be with this woman, even if she initiated it, knowing that her 'what-if' and 'some-day' laid in place with another vampire. Spike didn't understand what was holding them back now, pure stupidity and stubbornness from the both of them. Until they woke up and found their epic conclusion, he would stand by her side. When Angel came home, that would mark his freedom.

Getting to England and the distraction of kicking things off might take off the sting a bit. It was all this indecision that drove him crazy and made him question things he knew couldn't be true, no matter how much he wanted it. Because even if Buffy felt an inkling of what he did for her, even if those crumbs were real and discernable, or that she could move on from Angel, it didn't mean it would ever work. Say she did want him and even gave him a try, and try as he might to be creative, there were no long-term options that he could think up of that would work. It would end, probably badly, and then he would be left with nothing. No Buffy, no friends, no purpose. Having a soul meant the desire for something more than just going through the motions. In some weird way, he had given himself up for her, but had found himself in doing so.

It was with a set mind and a broken heart that Spike finally fell asleep.

* * *

Two weeks since their arrival in England and Spike was already feeling the relief of home. The estate in the countryside was nothing compared to the facility the Watcher had plans to build, but it provided a cozy home for the strange group that resided there. Space was no longer an issue and despite the warmer feelings toward everyone involved, it appeared that everyone, save maybe Dawn, was interested in finding more alone time.

In an unexpected gesture of thoughtfulness, Giles had provided Spike with the room that received the least amount of sunlight, but was not confined to the basement. His side of the house was so shaded that he was able to keep the window open for the better part of the day and night. Spike enjoyed the views of the lake outside his window, surrounded by trees and the sights and sounds of what he vaguely remembered to be his childhood.

The only downside of the place was the lack of demons to hunt and kill. All of his pent up energy was no match for long walks through the rolling countryside and though his daily training spars with Buffy worked off a great deal, they often left him with a different kind of energy he was trying to ignore. He may have been a reformed and souled vampire, but he was still a predator in great need of evil and dead prey he wished to make deader. If only he had been able to convince the ponce to give him a car, the ride to London wasn't that far off, and he could make nightly visits. In time, he would move himself to the city, but until then, he thought he might be able to bug the Watcher enough to give into his requests. Spike made a note to himself to bring it up in their meeting that afternoon. He'd be sure to look extra involved and attentive.

Thanks to Giles' slowness in procuring cable, another reason why he wanted his own space, Spike spent a great deal of the day listening to Dawn's ramblings about her new classmates and crushes, no matter how much he protested that he didn't want to hear specific details. He took up writing his poetry again solely to escape her for an hour or so at a time, but despite himself, he found that he enjoyed it. Spike was a harsh self-critic and he'd be murderous and devastated had one of his new housemates discovered the book, but writing relaxed him, helped him exercise his mind and all the chaotic thoughts that plagued it. Especially when considering the petite blonde who now lived two rooms down from him and whose scent lingered throughout the house, the hallway, and over everything of his, as she had a maddening habit of finding excuses to come to his room.

Not that he minded her company or her desire to spend time with him, but he was trying not to read anything into her actions at the risk of losing it all, and it only grew harder as she greeted him every time with a smile and a lovely look in her eyes. It would be a relief not to be on alert every second of his life, to feel that spark of excitement when she appeared, or the ache of longing.

The initial contact after getting to England had been awkward. Spike knew that Buffy was not oblivious to his cold demeanor towards her, nor did she have any idea as to why. He was a good actor, it appeared and after awhile, the awkwardness diminished and they fell into their old-new dynamic.

Spike was in the middle of a poem, pen between his teeth, his forehead resting against his palm when he smelled her proximity and heard her footsteps coming closer. Thankful for his vampire reactions, he thrust the notebook in a drawer of his desk and tossed himself onto the bed to make it seem as though he had been resting. Had he needed breath, he would have been panting and had he had a beating heart, it would be racing, especially when he glanced up at Buffy standing in the doorway with a smile.

"I know you weren't sleeping thanks to all the clothes having."

"Thanks to the whelp, I got the memo on no longer sleeping in the nude."

"Not that you listened."

"And how would you know that exactly?"

Despite himself, Spike smirked, his tongue weaving seductively through his teeth, and his body tingling at the blush that crept over her face.

"Besides, you're on top of the covers when we both know that you like to get all snuggly and-"

All he did was raise his eyebrows and move his hands to rest behind his head, but she caught herself, cleared her throat, and leaned against the doorframe to look more casual.

"Are you up for some training before the meeting? I have all these kinks I need to work out and I also really really want to hurt something."

"Make it sound so inviting, Luv."

"I won't hurt you. Much."

"That's cus I'm too good for you. You've grown soft since coming here. No real action."

He could see the steam rising off of her and he had to bite back a grin.

"I am not soft. And you are no better than me. For your information, I hold back quite a bit when fighting you so that I don't get too far into my slayer mode and stake you by accident."

"Sure you do, Luv."

At the look of disdain and widening of her mouth as she prepared to go off on him, Spike jumped up from the bed and cut her off.

"Got an idea you might like, to catch you back up to speed that is."

Even as he loomed closer, she didn't move from her spot against the doorframe, arms crossed, foot tapping, looking disinterested.

"Don't you want to know what it is?"

"Maybe I can beat it out of you."

His laughter followed him out of the room and after a beat, she matched his stride down the long hallway and down the winding stairs to the basement where the space had been turned into a training facility. It was Spike's favorite room of the house besides his own, the benefit being that mostly only him and Buffy used it.

"Miss this, Luv?"

He turned on her, game face on, but she must have been expecting it because she matched his blows with one of her own. Spike felt release as his limbs lashed out and made contact, his blood flowed with adrenaline and power, and him and Buffy settled into their dance. It was amazing, how well they had learned each other's patterns and movements- the power behind that punch, the force in that kick, the quirk of an eyebrow before an elbow to the ribs. Amazing still, after all this time, how they could still surprise one another. Spike was reminded of this as he jumped in the air intending for a well-placed kick when Buffy grabbed him by the ankle and knocked him to the floor.

He couldn't help but smile as she towered over him with a smirk.

"Well, I'm pleased with how that went. Now you can tell me."

Spike shook his head and moved to sit up, but she pushed him down again with the heel of her boot.

"Nuh uh. Not until I hear what you have to say and decide if I like it."

"What're your thoughts on cars?"

"Oh my God, for the last time, I am not calling Angel to get him to fly one of his cars over the ocean so that you can satisfy some sort of masculine duty."

"While I'll never turn down an opportunity to buzz off Peaches, I was thinking we could ask the Watcher this time. Cut him off during one of his monologues."

Buffy sat down beside him on the floor, crossing her legs and leaning back against her extended arms, an eyebrow quirked in mild curiosity.

"He has gotten longer winded, but I think he's just excited. Construction started, which is good for Giles to see actual productivity but even better for Xander because he's all happy and busy with this project that I haven't seen him mope once all day."

"Goodie. I won't have to worry about him lurking in my doorway at all hours of the night, just looking for a game of cards or a drink at the pub."

"You like spending time with him. I've watched you."

"Making a habit of that, are you?"

"I'm just looking out for my friends. All of you. I think it's good that Xander likes you now. He needs a man friend who isn't Giles. Y'know, someone who can help him get back out there. Plus, I think you remind him a little of Anya."

Spike sat up abruptly at this, looking outraged. Buffy rolled her eyes at his sputtering.

"I said a little. And I don't mean in the romantic sense, Mr. Tough Guy. It's the reformed demon thing and maybe a little of the speak-my-mind position you take. Anya was always good for that, whether you wanted it or not, and you're the only one who doesn't look at him with pity or act all careful."

He settled at this, but didn't offer a reply. He could feel Buffy's eyes on him as he looked around the room, avoiding her sight.

"For whatever reason, you two have been all buddy-solidarity lately. Like you're sharing some big secret none of us can know."

Spike ignored the curiosity in her voice and chose to accept it as the joke she half-heartedly intended, rather than the question she wanted to ask. When he didn't answer, she sighed.

"Alright, tell me more about this car and why you want Giles to get it?"

"'M feeling a bit locked up in here, Pet," as her mouth opened in protest, he continued on in a hurry. "And I know you have too with the lack of slaying. Just thought it might be nice to have a way in and out of the city for a bit of patrol, yeah?"

"That's actually not a bad idea, Spike."

"Bound to happen at some point. You can mention it was my idea to the Watcher when you ask him."

"I thought you were gonna ask him."

"Much more likely to happen if his precious slayer mentioned she wanted to get back out there."

Buffy jumped up with a wicked smile.

"Up for round two? Loser has to ask Giles."

Spike was up and moving before she could pounce.

* * *

Buffy watched, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth and trying to suppress a smirk as Spike took advantage of a break in Giles' speech to ask him about the car. To both of their surprise, and a bit to her disappointment, the older man looked thoughtful and considering as he wiped his glasses clean. When he replaced them on his nose, Giles smiled at Spike and nodded his head.

"That's not a bad idea actually, Spike."

"Why do people keep saying it like that?"

"I like the initiative." Buffy frowned at Spike's smug smirk as Giles continued. "Yes, I think it would only be in our best interest to procure a vehicle. That way we can get the slayers into active practice and keep you and Buffy up to speed. London has no lack of vampires and demons, I'm sure you are aware. What do you think, Buffy?"

She slumped back in her chair, feigning disinterest.

"Can't hurt."

Spike stuck his tongue out at her. She opened her mouth to issue a biting response when Willow burst out.

"Oh! And I can use it too to get to the magic shop in town. We've been talking about recruiting and it wouldn't hurt, you know, to get back out there into the world of the living. Maybe we could get a few cars. Xander'd probably want one to get to and from his construction sight."

"A car each then, Watcher?"

Giles glared at Spike.

"Let's not get greedy. Let me look into what my contacts can offer."

"Best get them as soon as possible or I might have to take up hunting what's closest to me."

Spike's steely glaze of determined threat wiped off his face as he watched in dismay as the rest of the group rolled their eyes or shrugged him off as though he wasn't a dangerous vampire waiting to strike at the most inopportune time. He definitely needed to kill something after this and having been beaten by Buffy twice that afternoon. Nothing like a fresh kill to liven him up.

* * *

Giles had delivered an onslaught of cars by the time the sun had set, but Spike was chagrined to find himself behind the wheel of the minivan the Watcher had said would be most apt to fit a busload of slayers. It didn't help to have Buffy sitting in the seat beside him, asking if he felt comfortable enough driving such a large vehicle.


	9. Chapter 9

_This is what living feels like,_ she thought as she delivered a stake to the chest of a highly-energized fledgling. Looking around her, Buffy realized that the last of the vampires in the group was battling Spike, who appeared to be delaying the finish for the thrill of the fight. He was in his element, game face on, wide smirk, limbs thrashing with grace. Watching him, her heart rate elevated and an excited pitter-patter thumped in her stomach. With a dramatic flourish, Spike maneuvered himself off of a gravestone and staked the vampire in the heart.

As the dust settled, Buffy saw Spike revert back to his human face and look around him. She giggled at the pout now fixed as he realized that the fight was over. She fought the urge to run and kiss him and settled for an insult instead.

"I'm glad to see working with me has improved your skills."

He smirked at her. "This is different, Luv. Here we're fighting to the death. When we spar, I'm usually trying to impress you or going easy on you."

Buffy made a guttural sound in her throat that could have been a cross between a scoff and a laugh. "It's a good thing vampires don't sweat. It gives you an easy excuse. Want to do another round or are you good? It's getting chilly."

"Think we've scrounged up all that we could for the night."

"Great! I'm starving! Should we stop on the way or hope there's leftovers?"

"I don't think there's hope when leftovers and your little crew are involved. None of you took the time to actually learn to cook."  
"All you had to say was that you wanted to stop."

"No fun in that. Car should be around the corner somewhere."

"That's alright, we'll find it later. Let's walk around for a bit."

"Thought you were cold, L-"

Spike stopped short when Buffy took his hand and gestured for them to move. He looked down between their enjoined hands, but she just smiled and tugged gently.

"No better way to see the city!"

They walked in silence, drifting into a comfortable pace. Once inside the main area of the city, more people surrounded them, students heading into pubs, coffee shops, or restaurants and lovers strolling hand-in-hand on the street. Seeing them, Buffy brushed closer to Spike to take his arm. Cautiously, she looked up at him and was surprised to see a slight frown of concentration.

Since Giles had gotten the car, they'd driven into London every night and Buffy had hoped it might enliven him. There were moments when he seemed back to his usual self, though with a softer, kinder edge she found irresistible and other times when he turned sullen and independent, locking himself away in his room.

She had been patient, waiting for him to pick up on her signals, and she wanted to give him space. When there appeared to be little to no movement, she decided to elevate them tonight, but now she could tell that it wasn't that he hadn't noticed, he was fighting her. It was obvious that they both wanted closeness on some level, but she couldn't understand the delay. The hesitancy, yes, maybe, but she thought they had cleared all of their past issues during those days when he had first come back.

The pair of them had a dark history between each other and on their own. Buffy supposed that, no matter how much conversation and resolution, the past didn't just disappear. It was a part of them, but she intended for it to make them stronger, better. They had pushed through it together and apart and become stronger people. She couldn't see why they couldn't make a stronger coupling.

His silence seemed pointed and consumed by thoughts far away from her. To draw him back, she pulled him into the first restaurant that didn't look crowded. Though he usually enjoyed human food with vigor, Spike hardly touched anything she had ordered and Buffy had the leftovers packed to take home to whoever wanted them. The walk back to the cemetery where they had parked remained quiet and Buffy didn't bother taking his hand. She was too conflicted as to whether or not she should confront him.

No words would come- she couldn't figure out the best way to tell him how she felt, what she wanted from him, and to have him understand. He had this predisposed notion to fear her and while she wanted to respect his reluctance, she also wanted to shake sense into him. Instead, she settled on listening to him hum under his breath as the radio played one of the old songs he loved so much.

* * *

It was a surprise to wake up to a house smelling like a warm, home-cooked breakfast. Giles knew how to cook, but he never bothered to devote much time to it. Oddly, it was always Anya, Tara, and Spike who could make something edible, while Xander, Willow, Buffy, and Dawn reaped the benefits of it. Spike would still be sleeping and Giles had mentioned heading out to the construction site early that morning, so Buffy and her curious nose headed down to the kitchen to investigate.

When she found him, a bright apron on that had, "kiss the cook!" scrolled across it, happily scrambling eggs in a bowl, flipping pancakes, and tending to the sizzling bacon, she groaned. To his squeal of delight at seeing her, she maintained a calm demeanor.

"I thought you were in Cleveland with Faith and Robin?"

"Look at this! The Original Slayer, in her natural habitat, which so few get to see."

He hurried over, throwing his arms around her, which she returned with a slight pat on the back.

"Good to see you too, Andrew. I think. Why are you here?"

As he opened his mouth, likely to engage in a long, drawn-out story, Buffy held out a hand. "Feed me first, then keep it brief."

Andrew worked his way around the kitchen as Buffy poured herself a cup of coffee and settled down at the counter. She watched as he loaded a plate with the eggs, pancakes, and bacon and set it down in front of her.

"What's that on the stove top? Are you warming syrup?"

"Nuh, uh, that's blood for Spike."

Skeptical, she said, "You're warming Spike's blood on the stove?"

"He deserves a special meal once in awhile too, no matter what it consists of."

"I wasn't- I didn't mean- Just tell me why you're here."

"We-ell, Faith and Robin are destroying the Hellmouth in Cleveland and they've got their team assembled, though between you and me, things between them aren't going as smoothly because-"

"Focus, Andrew."

"Right. So they've got their team pretty much set and we've got all these baby slayers in training, who are in need of mucho guidance, so Giles had Faith send them here. I'm the new Slayer Recruitment Operations Manager. I've got a business card somewhere-"

As he reached into his apron pocket, Buffy dropped her fork and stared at him.

"Are you telling me that my house is going to be filled with Potentials? Again?"

"One, not Potentials anymore, remember? They're the real deal badasses now in need of your guidance. Two, not technically you're house. You just have a room here. Three, more are coming! I'm in charge of tracking them down. And four, here's my business card."

She didn't take the card, but offered him another groan.

"Where does Giles mean to fit everyone until the new place is built?"

"Bunk buddies! Are you still sharing with Spike or-?"

Buffy meant to tell him that it was none of his business, no matter how much the idea appealed to her, when the vampire in question entered the kitchen, sniffing suspiciously and looking sleepy, but on alert.

"Thought I smelled something."

"Breakfast!"

Andrew rushed over to the stove to pour Spike's blood into a mug, which he thrust at the vampire who shared a look of amusement with Buffy. He nodded his head in thanks to a beaming Andrew and took the seat next to Buffy, stealing one of her pancakes.

"More'n that. How many of 'em did you bring with you?"

Buffy answered, "A whole team, apparently."

"And staying here is a temporary thing, I reckon?"

"Not so much."

"Want one of my business cards, Spike?"

Spike, his attention still on Buffy, took the card Andrew was holding out to him and stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans.

"Great. Got my last night of peaceful sleep and didn't even know it. Figure we've got, what? Three more minutes of peace before they descend?"

Xander walked in with a loud yawn. "Who's descending where?"

"We've got company, Whelp."

"Of the human or demon variety? Andrew! More importantly, food!"

Andrew had a plate in front of him before Xander could sit down.

Spike took a sip of his blood before speaking. "He brought slayers with him."

"How many?"

"It's all very vague."  
"Giles didn't even mention it and I'm supposed to be Slayer Numero Uno."

"You should get that on a business card!"

"From the smell of it, there aren't many yet, but there's more coming."

"I'm the Slayer Recruitment Operations Manager, Xander, here's my-"

"Anyone want to tell me why I woke up to a bunch of random girls sleeping on my floor?" Willow walked into the kitchen looking bemused.

"Buffy!" Dawn burst into the kitchen. "You promised me my own space. It was one of those no compromising-y things we discussed. I am not sharing my room."

"Good morning to you too, Dawnie. Here-" Buffy rose from her seat and ushered Dawn into it. "Andrew's back, he brought slayers. He's going to leave and come back again with more. Giles decided it, then promptly left before they could arrive and now this huge house is looking a whole lot smaller. Eat breakfast and go to school. I'm going to have a chat with Giles and get us an apartment somewhere in the city. I'm all about keeping promises, now, okay?"

As the new arrivals started crowding into the kitchen, Buffy sent Dawn off to school and called Xander, Willow, and Spike into the downstairs training room.

"Giles inherited all that money from the Watcher's Council, right? I figure, an apartment or two isn't nearly enough compensation for all the apocalypses we prevented and the bad-ness they put us through."

By the time Buffy had left for the construction site to speak with Giles, and Dawn had returned from school, the group had once again packed up their belongings into the minivan and drove into the city to furnish their new apartments.

* * *

"I knew Giles had money now, but I think he's been holding out on us!"

Xander was lounging on the couch in the living room of the apartment Buffy now shared with Dawn and Willow. There was more space than she was expecting, enough for the three of them to have their own rooms, a decent kitchen and bathroom, and a large living area where the group now congregated.

"Feet off the couch, Buster," Willow demanded as she sat down next to him. "This is our place. Slob as you must at your own."

"Who'd thought I'd be back rooming with the Living Dead?"

"And liking it," Dawn smirked.

"We're tolerant of each other, that's all. 'Sides, it's nice to have another guy to help with the ladies."

"Hi, I like girls too," Will offered.

"Sure, but you're still with the love-letter writing to Kennedy in Cleveland. I need a true single friend. Plus, the ladies love Spike. I don't get it, but they're all over him. Like the other night-"

As Buffy scowled and Spike glared at him, Xander stopped talking.

"Oh! Interesting! What kind of girls does Spike go for? Y'know, now that he has the soul. Like, you can't really go demon because hello, evil, but you can't go human because hi, vampire. Or can you? I mean-" Dawn blushed. "That is totally none of my business."

Buffy sat rigid on a comfy chair next to the couch that Dawn was squeezed on between Willow and Xander. Spike was sitting on the floor opposite Buffy. Her limbs were wrapped tight around herself as she refused to look at anyone, though she felt their eyes on her. When Xander cleared his throat, Spike spoke.

"Bit of an experiment, I guess, Niblet. Not really looking for anything right now. Helps the Whelp to have someone he can observe having real conversation though, so I play my part."

"Very funny. I say, next time we go out, we hold a little competition. Which one of us can get the most numbers, then we can see who's the charmer. And we have to choose one of them to call the next day. In fact, neither of us are doing much of anything right now, so-"

Xander went to stand, but Buffy shot herself up from the chair, frenzied, and pushed him down.

"Patrol!"

"Hey!"

"I need Spike for patrol." She turned towards Spike. "That is, if you want. I mean, if you want to go with Xander, that's totally cool, but-"

Spike frowned, but stood up from the floor and brushed himself off.

"Could do with a rough-and-tumble. Would be good to give Harris a little practice time on his own anyways. Let me go find my stake."

As he walked out of the apartment, Buffy turned on Xander.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to help the guy out."

"Uh huh, yeah, sure. And this girl?"

Xander opened his mouth to retort, but Buffy turned away from him and onto Dawn. "And you! Asking him about what kind of- hello! We know what kind. The only one who doesn't is him."

"And why's that?"

"Huh?"

As she turned back around on him, Xander looked like he didn't want to continue this conversation, but swallowed and continued.

"Why doesn't he know yet?"

"We're taking our time."

"Are you sure this is even what you want? You're gonna finally tell him one day and God knows he'll take you back in a heartbe- well, real fast-like, and then what?"

"Nobody knows. You all know that, it's just-"

She looked at Dawn and Willow for support. Dawn's eyes were wide and Willow gave her a sympathetic nod.

"What about 'what-if' and 'maybe someday'?"

"Wh-" Buffy's eyes widened as she turned back to Xander, but before she could process his comment, the apartment door opened. "Spike! Ready?"

"Sure thing, Luv." He paused, sensing the tension. "Everything okay here?"

"Yup, it's-"

"Hey, Spike-"

Spike looked at Xander, confused. Buffy shot him another glare. "Whelp?"

"How about we go out tomorrow?" He looked at Buffy. "Unless you get a better offer, of course."

With a confused nod of agreement from Spike and another glare from Buffy, they left Xander, Willow, and Dawn still on the couch for another night of patrol.

* * *

"What do you and Xander do when you go out?"

They had started the walk in silence, but Buffy found she could no longer stand it. They didn't have to go far, part of the agreement with Giles getting them apartments was that they would be in close proximity to a graveyard or two, though the area wasn't terrible. Buffy was still buzzing with energy from her argument with Xander and the jealousy that zapped her with the idea of Spike talking to other women. It hadn't occurred to her that it would be something he wanted.

"Harris is doing a bit of exaggerating. There are birds there and we talk to 'em, occasionally buy 'em a drink, but it's more of a bonding thing. Much as he opens his fat gob, he's not ready for anything yet. Too busy talking about Anya to hold anyone's interest for very long."

Buffy stopped, but Spike didn't notice until he was a few strides ahead.

"He talks to you about Anya?"

"A bit, yeah."

"He won't- I mean, it's rare."

"I figure we both know that loss, yeah? I guess we all do, 'cept Xander and I both happened to screw things up royally all on our own and I guess we have more in common than we thought."

Buffy closed the distance between them, her hand reaching out to touch Spike's cheek. Before he could flinch away, she whispered his name and entranced him. It hit her then, that words wouldn't be enough right now. Instead, her lips parted and she reached up to kiss him. Before they met, something solid came barreling into them and knocked them over. Both jumped back up on alert, stakes in hand, as a group of vampires surrounded them.

After a few minutes of fighting, Buffy started to notice a few things. For one, the group were no new, young vampires, but had skills of ones who had been living and fighting for quite some time. Two, none of them appeared very interested in her. Though they fought back when she lunged after them, Spike seemed to be the main target. An odd sort of ache nudged her conscience, but for the moment, their disinterest in her made it easy to stake them while they attacked Spike.

Whether or not he noticed the purpose of the attack, she couldn't tell, but Spike was laughing and taunting in game face, though none of them seemed surprised that he would be fighting his own kind. It was during one of his more gleeful bouts of laughter that one got hold of him and knocked him down. Buffy staked the vampire trying to hold her off and descended on the three who now held Spike down and were attempting to restrain him. She turned one of them to dust, but the two others stopped and backed away from an unconscious Spike.

One spoke to her. "More will come, Slayer, and they will see to it that they succeed. Vampires with souls hold no place in this world."

They ran off, leaving Buffy conflicted between chasing after them to figure out what they meant and then stake them silly and making sure Spike was alright. The latter won out and with shaking hands, she reached down to check on him.

"Spike?"

For a moment, he lay still, but when she yelled his name louder, he sat up quickly, nearly knocking her over.

"Bleeding, buggering, hell, those sons of-"

Kneeling beside him, Buffy cut him off with a kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

The kiss was messy and sweet and passionate and just what she needed. Buffy had one hand gripping the front of his t-shirt and the other clutching the back of his head, drawing him to her. At first, his body went limp in shock and had she not been drowning in sensation, she may have laughed. Once his senses caught up, he pulled her into his lap and met her enthusiasm. With him half-sitting, half-lying down and her kneeling on the ground, straddling his hips, it's the type of kiss they've always shared- desperate and frenzied, breathless and passionate, laced with both the love and loss they've endured.

Buffy pulled back first with her need to breathe. Spike collapsed beneath her, laughing and unbelieving, trying to process everything without losing the high of the moment. Frowning, she hovered over him.

"What's funny?"

"I've no bloody idea what's going on in my life."

With a wink, she said, "I can tell you what you could be doing."

He sat up again slightly, making eye contact.

"This real or was I knocked out hard enough to hallucinate?"

"You are definitely very much awake."

"Does this all feel a little fast to you, Pet?"

"This," she reached down to kiss him, "Still feels too slow."

"I don't mean just this. Everything I guess. It's fast and it's slow and it's strange."

Buffy frowned again and leaned away from him.

"Is this not what you want?"

"You're everything I want. 'M just not sure what it means."

They sat staring at one another for a moment. The night remained still and unthreatening as Buffy contemplated her next move. She had no clue as to what this meant either-their kiss, their new lives-but she had a good feeling about it and that's something she hasn't been able to say in a long time.

"Spike-"

"Sorry, yeah, doesn't have to mean something yet. I just-"

"It means everything. I get that now. You and I both know how messy and complicated things can get between us. We're both stubborn and independent and a little bit mean, but we're also passionate and hungry and have so much love and good intention, but don't know how to convey that sometimes."

"Love?" Spike sat up with interest, but Buffy didn't hear him as she was locked into her ranting.

"I can't promise I won't mess this up. In fact, I can promise that in some way, I will mess this up, but so will you. I do promise to try my best not to let everything just slip away no matter how big the mess-age gets."

"But what about- What-if-?"

"What-if is a game for people who can't live in the moment. God knows we should have learned by now to appreciate what we have because another five apocalypses could be threatening us tomorrow. In fact, those vamps had an ominous message for us and I'm certain Giles is going to drill me on it tomorrow, but right now, all I see and feel is you and I'd very much like to explore that."

"I don't want to lose you."

"And I've realized that I can't lose you. I've tried. We've died several times between us, Spike. I'm not sure what more drastic measures could be taken to make it permanent."

Spike looked away from her, contemplating. With a sigh, Buffy reached down to cup his cheek and bring him back to her.

"Look, I can't go on any longer pretending like I don't want more. I need you to know that. I want you. Can you please tell me what you want? I'm willing to listen to you now."

He stared at her with hard, serious eyes and an awed expression. She remained unwavering, her heart racing and hoping. For a second, Spike looked away again and appeared to be pulling away from her, but he shakes his head and looks back.

"I'm bloody well in love with you."

Buffy had started to move off of him, but froze at his words. With an 'oomph,' she threw herself back over him. Lips never breaking contact, Buffy extended fully over Spike who was once again lounging on the ground.

After a long moment, Spike attempted to sit up.

"Pet-"

"Nmph."

He tried to break away again, but she pushed him back down.

"Buffy-"

"Nuh uh, don't you dare take that back."

He chuckled and kissed her again.

"Can't. 'Ve tried."

"Good."

She went to kiss him again, but he lifted a finger to her lips to stop her.

"Spi-ike-"

"If we do this, I want to do right by you."

"Promises later, smoochies now."

"Don't you think we deserve better than a graveyard?"

Looking at him with wide eyes, Buffy nodded and maneuverd herself off of him. Once they were both standing, she lunged at him in a hug, which he accepted with a sigh of contentment.

"Uh, which way was our apartments?"

"Not sure, Luv, but I think I saw an abandoned building on our walk over-"

With an elbow to his stomach, Buffy pushed away from him, rolling her eyes, and began to walk away. Spike caught up with her, laughing, and reached for her hand, which she gave to him easily. After a few minutes of walking, Spike broke the silence.

"Honestly, we'd be doing the city a favor, knocking it down-"

* * *

Spike was glad that he didn't need to breathe because he was certain he would be panting with anticipation and right now, he really wanted to play it cool. Buffy was still clutching his hand as they stood in the hallway between their new apartments, deciding which one to enter. Potentially, she had friends on either side and he knows full well her hesitancy to reveal their relationship dynamic to them. It might not be as urgent as it once was, but he could sense her mixed emotions.

"Buf-"

"I should probably say goodnight to Dawnie and let them know we're back, I just-"

"Don't want them to know yet, Pet, I get it."

She waved him off. "It's not that. They already know."

"I could just go in and- What?"

"Well, they don't 'know' know, but they know how I feel- I mean, it was just a matter of time and I kept thinking it would happen and so did they, but then it wasn't and- I want them to know, Spike, I just don't need them to know right now what we're going to do because it's so obvious and- Now I'm just ruining the moment, aren't I?"

"'M not sure there's anything that could ruin this moment, Luv. Not on my end."

Buffy looked at him then, her eyes soft and adoring and he wanted to look away in sheer delight and abashment, but he held her gaze. She broke contact to open the door of her apartment where they had left Xander, Willow, and Dawn earlier and he paused in the doorway, not knowing what he should do. Buffy decided for him as she pulled their entwined hands behind her and stepped into the apartment where they found the three have vacated the living room.

"Hmm, looks like that conversation can wait 'til tomorrow. Xander's gonna be so-"

In the morning, he might care what Xander and the others will do and think, but right now he can't help himself, so he cut her off with a kiss. Part of him keeps waiting for her to pull away and say it was all a mistake. That conversation he and Xander overheard between her and Angel lingered in the back of his mind and it nagged at him, but he doesn't feel like it's as pressing as his need for her at the moment. Everything she's said and been doing this evening, and when he really thinks on it, the past month or so, contradicted that conversation and it confused him.

He refused to demand anything from her, not anymore. If she offered it to him, he would take it because he loves her, because she makes him want to be good, and that makes him do good things. Spike has moved past the stages of new-soul-having where he's self-loathing and thinking he doesn't deserve anything good. Those preliminary stages lasted for a very long time, until minutes ago even, and all it took was her lips pressed against his to squash it. He wondered if that made him as bad as the Ponce, but then he banished all thoughts of Angel when Buffy snuck a hand under his shirt and started exploring.

They stood for a long time in the middle of the living room, lips and limbs reacquainting. He moaned when she shifted her body closer to him, pressing up against him, and offering her neck to his lips. Her hands were everywhere- his stomach, his lower back, his chest, the nape of his hair- but when he felt her move them downward, he growled, ripped off his shirt, and worked the button on his jeans. She laughed at his enthusiasm with a small giggle, pulled away from him slightly, and held a finger to her lips to tell him to quiet. Maintaining eye contact, she took his hand and guided him backwards towards her bedroom, but then stopped to pick up his clothes and gave him a reprimanding look.

Stepping inside the room, he found it funny that she was finally opening herself up to him, here, even though here hasn't even officially become her room yet. It barely even smells like her, save for the few belongings that managed to escape Sunnydale with her. It's Buffy's room, but it's not, and somehow that made it easier for him to pull her close again and kiss her. This time, he was soft, slow, and sweet, showing her his love in a way she never allowed before and he growled again when she reciprocated.

Somehow, he managed to shed his jeans without breaking his stride, but when he started on hers, she stopped him and stepped back. All of his fears and anxieties that evaded him earlier came rushing back as she looked at him with serious eyes and a set face, but then she pulled out her ponytail, took off her pants and her shirt, her undies and her bra, and she offered herself to him fully naked. Standing before him, she was exposed and vulnerable and so was he, and Spike realizes just how different this was going to be this time. He took his time trying to remember this moment and every inch of her and when his eyes met hers again, he was surprised to see that she was doing the same thing.

Suddenly, he felt frozen without her touch and he went to her. Last second, she rotated her body so that he was lying back on her bed and she was on top, straddling his hips, and there was really nothing but him and her and bliss.

* * *

He couldn't sleep. His body was humming, his mind racing, and he couldn't help but fear that if he fell asleep, none of this would have happened when he woke. Or else, she would have changed her mind by morning. Though his eyes felt tired, all he could do was wait, her body pressed against his, curled into his side, and listen to her steady heartbeat.

Despite his best efforts, he did succumb to sleep, a whisper of a prayer on his lips.

* * *

It was a strange feeling, waking up both warm and cool. Her body was wrapped in the comforter she had brought from Giles' home until she made time to go shopping, but her back was pressed up against Spike's bare chest. The sensation, though strange, was wonderful, and she supposed it was something she would soon grow accustomed. She turned in his arms to face him, brushing her lips against his. Observing him was far easier when he was sleeping, unmoving and unspeaking, but she was surprised to find a frown set on his face.

She had assumed that last night would ease whatever tension was bothering him, but she supposed at some point, a proper conversation regarding their relationship was necessary. But Buffy was done with the angst and the second-guessing. She felt happy and light and excited and she wanted to share that with him. With a sigh, she kissed his creased forehead and rolled out of bed.

Her intention was to throw something quick together for her and heat up a mug of blood for him, but stepping out of her bedroom, she found Xander in the kitchen. She hesitated, thinking of sneaking back into her room, but he glanced up at her, looking sheepish. Instead, she shut the door as gentle as possible and tip-toed into the kitchen.

"Only one of us in my apartment remembered to stock the fridge and it wasn't me."

"Quick breakfast here then," she acquiesced, though she inwardly cursed herself for coming out at all.

"We could contribute blood. And a lot of it."

Buffy crinkled her nose, but laughed.

"Or better yet, I can go stir the Living Dead and have him make us breakfast."

Xander turned toward the front door, but Buffy reached out a hand to stop him.

"No!"

"No? Buffy, he's the best chance we've got for something edible."

"I can cook."

He quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Not well, but I can. Spike's tired, we had a rough patrol last night and he got knocked out for a few minutes. Let him rest while we scrounge something up."

She was aiming for casual, but despite Xander's hesitant suspiciousness, he nodded.

"I must have been knocked out too. Didn't hear him come in."

Buffy's eyes widened as she turned slightly toward her bedroom door on instinct.

"It was a busy day for all of us. The move and everything. Let's just make you a sandwich and get you to that construction site, huh? Now that all these slayers are arriving, we're gonna need somewhere to put 'em."

It wasn't that Buffy didn't want Xander to know about her and Spike, but now that she was faced with the prospect of telling him, it was a lot harder. Everything seemed easier when it was potential- her feelings, her friends' opinions, Spike's reaction. It would be better if her and Spike could have that conversation first, then sit them all down and tell them at once. She also really needed to get back in there as fast as possible because if he woke and found her missing, he would assume the worst.

Seeking a distraction, she nudged Xander out of the way of the fridge and started pulling out food. The boy just shrugged and sat at the table. As she started to make him a sandwich, Xander kept them occupied by talking about how construction was coming along, which she encouraged with well placed "mmhmms" and "oohs."

When a door creaked open behind them, Buffy froze before whipping around to find Willow coming out of her room.

"Morning, Will. Hungry? Buffy's making sandwiches."

Willow eyed Buffy and the food lying on the counter with a judgmental glance. She brightened after a moment.

"Oh! But Spike-"

"Is not our personal chef. We're big boys and girls and it's about time we learned how to take care of ourselves in normal adult ways."

Willow raised an eyebrow towards Xander at Buffy's rant, but he just smirked.

"Spikey's sleepy and we're to allow him his rest."

"Do you want to consist off of the blood in your fridge?"

Xander stopped talking and Willow joined him at the table in silence. Buffy placed a couple of sandwiches in front of them. While they ate, she paced between the kitchen and the living room, her eyes trained on her bedroom door.

It was Dawn who came rushing out of her room next, looking far too lively and happy for the morning.

"Did I mention how wonderful it is to have my own room again? And not in someone else's house where visitors could show up at any time and I'd have to share because it's not technically mine? Nope, this one's all me and I just-"

Buffy stopped her pacing, walked over to Dawn, ushered her sister into the kitchen, and handed her a sandwich.

"Oh, I know why you're all fidgety!"

Buffy, who had resumed her pacing, stopped and looked at Dawn in shock.

"You do?"

"Uh huh. We're shopping today to decorate the apartment. Willow, you have to come too! Oh! And Xander, you and Spike too! God knows the two of you will need plenty of help."

"I'll have you know, I am the ambiance guy."

"Funny," Willow's eyes sparkled as she spoke. "I've never heard that about you."

"I'm a carpenter. It's kinda my thing."

"For the outside, sure, but when it comes to spicing up the inside-"

"Besides you and Spike need to find your own thing," Dawn offered.

Willow laughed, "Buffy said Spike did a decent job on his crypt."

"Great. I've got blood in my fridge. Let's throw it on the walls and call it paint."

"Uh, guys? I really hate to break this up, but Dawn's right. Shopping needs to be had. Xander, why don't you drop off Willow and Dawn at the store and they can get some preliminary stuff done and then all of us can go tomorrow or something. I've, uh, got some stuff to do and Spike said he'd help. If you don't mind, Wills?"

"Sure, I could use some Dawnie and me time. Super Slaying stuff going on?"

"I-uh-nothing major, I don't think. Just something that happened last night. I'll have to call Giles. Maybe we can all meet at the house? Later?"

Before she finished speaking, Buffy encouraged the three to stand and tried to make them leave as she ignored their mutterings. It was Dawn's voice that finally broke out.

"We're not even dressed yet, you freak. What's the rush?"

Buffy was already outside her door. "Fine, fine. Get ready, I've uh-call me if you need me." With that, she closed the door behind her and breathed a sigh of relief.

Buffy sucked the air back in when she came face-to-face with a pacing Spike. He looked up at her, slight panic in his eyes.

She was the one to break the tension with a whisper. "Hi."

He matched her tone. "Hey."

"Sleep okay?"

"Sure."

She took a step towards him, but he backed off.

"Spike-"

"They out there?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Don't have to worry about me. I'll get out soon as their backs are turned, real stealth-like, yeah?"

"No-I-you don't have to go. They're leaving. Soon actually, so-"

"It's okay, Pet. Things always look a little clearer in the morning."

"It's not okay. You're upset because you woke up and I wasn't here and because it looks like I don't want to tell my friends what happened, right?"

"'M not upset. 'M just-"

Buffy folded her arms at her chest and narrowed her eyes.

"Fine, yes, I'm bleeding pissed off and maybe a little scared too."

This time, Buffy held out her hand and gestured for him to sit on the bed. When he did, she joined him, keeping a small distance between them.

"I want to be honest with you, Spike, okay? When I woke up this morning, I felt so deliriously happy, it kinda scared me."

His eyes had been staring at the wall just to the left of her, but she felt his direct gaze immediately upon her words. Inspired, she took his hand.

"You were still sleeping and I was hungry after the slaying thing and other way more fun things, so I went to get breakfast for us and Xander, the mooch, was standing in our kitchen and wasn't leaving until he got fed and then Willow came out, followed by Dawn, and I just- I want to tell them, Spike, but I don't want them to find out like that."

Spike nodded his understanding and offered her a slight smirk.

"Make you hungry, did I?"

Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Is that all you took from that? Really?"

"What can I say? I-"

"A lot more, actually."

"What?"

"There's another reason I didn't want to tell them yet."

Though he had relaxed at her excuse, his body stiffened again and he pulled back.

"I don't want you to be scared of this. At least not of me. I've done and said a lot of things in the past, but that last apocalypse and losing you put a lot into perspective for me. I told you last night that I'm going to mess up, but I'm trying really hard here to show you how much I want this and that I'm willing to fight for this when one of us does make a mistake. You seem so happy sometimes, so confident and sexy and so you, but then you shut down and you get this look on your face and you say that you're scared. Please just tell me what you're scared of so we can face this."

Letting go of her hand, Spike stood up, and started pacing the room again, his voice still a whisper.

"I have a lot more to lose in all this than you do, Buffy." He stopped and sighed for dramatic effect. "Your friends, your mission, your life. Sometimes I feel like a part of it, but I've got to remember my place, you know?"

"What does that mean, Spike?"

"'M a bloody placeholder."

"For what?"

"Who do you think?"

"Spike-"

"Angel."

Buffy closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and stood to face him.

"I actually might stake you if it'll put an end to this particular topic."


	11. Chapter 11

"Might do us both a favor in that case," Spike muttered as he shook his head and turned away from her.

"How can you say that?"

She bit her tongue and waited for him to continue, to explain, while preparing her own angry diatribe in her mind.

"I get it, you know. All of it. More 'n you might think."

"Good, maybe you can work on explaining it to me then."

"You don't like it when they leave, Luv. There I was with a bright, shiny new soul for you, needin' your help and then I go and die for you, and then I come back. It's different. New and exciting. It's your way of saying you appreciate me, 'least, what I did."

"Spi-"

"And Angel's got himself all in a dither with his new girl coming back from the near dead and his permanent soul allowing him to relax a little, God knows we all benefit from that. But he's your first love and you're his destiny. Some day, my shine will rub off and so will hers. You don't forget your first love, they stand out, clearer than anything."

Her eyes widened, something akin to fire and panic alight in them.

"Do you still feel that way about Drusilla?"

"I loved Dru, probably always will, but it's different, innit? I'm a different man for loving you, better than I could have imagined or wanted. That ending between me and Dru, it was real and conclusive. Not like you and Peaches. There's always going to be that 'what-if' and 'maybe someday' you're so fond of hanging over all our heads."

Buffy wanted to speak, to make him understand, but her mouth froze open in horror at the phrases that suddenly popped to the forefront of her memory, but before she could process that sense of dread, Spike continued.

"'S why I made those wishes. Didn't feel joyous making them, but I wanted to give you something tangible. Probably would have made that last wish about me, if we're honest, but the Powers never let me get past those two."

She jumped from her spot on the bed, startling him into looking at her.

"Tell me again what your wishes were."

"Sayin' them once was enough, thanks."

"Please?"

Spike averted his eyes and took an unnecessary breath. He appeared to be shaking, but when he found her gaze again, his voice remained steady.

"One, for the soul. Two, for you and Angel to be happy."

"What happened next?"

"I don't-"

"Where did you go after you made those wishes, Spike?"

"Popped into Peaches office, didn't I? You lot just sitting there with your mouths gaping, looking like you've seen a ghost and- well, yeah I guess you did, but-"

"Then what?"

"Kept happening. Back and forth, misery and-"

"Cordelia."

"What about her?"

"She woke up from her coma."

Buffy spoke as though she was on the verge of a titillating revelation, but she maintained her composure and spoke to him patiently.

"Spike- you wished for Angel's soul to be permanent and it worked. You wished for me to be happy-"

"You and Angel."

"We're separate entities, you dope."

"But-"

"You wished for me to be happy and then you're standing in front of me again. Then you wish for Angel to be happy and Cordelia wakes up. On my count, that's three wishes."

"I don't think-"

Finally breaking, Buffy huffed out a frustrated sigh, stepped closer to Spike, and took both his hands into hers."

"Why are you so committed to fighting this?"

Matching her emotion, Spike leaped off the bed, trying to break contact, but couldn't fight his way out of her grasp.

"I bloody well heard you and the Ponce talking."

Buffy's eyes flashed with understanding as she took a deep breath.

"Let's do another recap then. What exactly did you hear between me and Angel?"

"Might have heard a couple 'I love yous' mixed in with all the smacking."

"What about all the other words in-between?"

"Don't think they really matter much at this point, Pet, got the picture nice and clear as it was."

"Can you please just tell me what you saw that night?"

Spike sighed and rolled his eyes, his voice monotone as he spoke.

"The Watcher had us all carry out the bags, but me and the Whelp thought it might be fun to mess with Peaches a little more, bug him into giving us a car, just for a laugh, but when we turned to go into the room, we saw the two of you standing all close-like, intimate, then you reached forward and kissed him. And don't try with the 'I was saying goodbye,' nonsense."

Buffy, who had opened her mouth to protest, shut it and settled for a grimace.

"Seen enough of that in my lifetime, thanks much, so I stomped off with Harris parading behind me, but then the stubborn part of me talked itself into storming back into that room and I nearly did in time to hear the two of you exchange 'I love yous' and promises for the future and that was all I needed to hear."

"Oh my God," Buffy moaned as she sat on the edge of the bed again, her head in her hands.

"So maybe you can forgive a guy for being confused when he overhears all that and is seduced despite it."

Buffy chose to ignore the accusation in his words.

"Both you and Xander heard that? And neither of you decided to mention it?"

"Was just gonna let it happen. Try to move on. Like I said, there's never been any closure to the two of you."

"So what was last night for us then? If you were so certain that Angel was my destiny, why did you suddenly break your tough-guy, Mr. Holier Than Thou composure?"

"Think it's pretty clear I've got no discernable defenses up against you. Look," Spike sighed and took a seat next to her, calmness sweeping over his features. It was a defeated demeanor that filled Buffy with panic. "It's okay to be conflicted and all that, but I was getting used to us being friends. I don't want to be the place maker before you and Angel finally settle down."

"Angel and I did get closure, you witnessed it, and you are no place maker."

"Buf-"

"Those breaks in conversation that you and Xander missed was the conversation. Our closure."

"Convenient."

"I haven't ruled out staking you."

"Fine, please do tell then."

"Angel and I do share a past and he is my first love. Like you and Dru, a part of me will always love him, but it's different now. In a way, that kiss was goodbye-"

She had to pull his arm down to keep him from getting up.

"All of a sudden, it was just the two of us and there was no apocalypse or crisis to attend to on either side, no real rush. We had a choice and I realized how that 'what-if' and 'maybe someday' I held onto so dearly was right in front of me, that I could really, truly have it, all of it, all of him, if I wanted, and so yes, I kissed him, but it wasn't because I was consumed with passion or need. It showed the both of us, in a way that words couldn't, how much we've both moved on. When I kissed him, we didn't- it wasn't like with- it was just a kiss."

"But-"

"No tinglies, no melty goodness. We laughed after. You were too busy running away, and I get why you did, past precedent-

"Recent past."

Buffy ignored him again.

"You missed that our reaction to the kiss was to burst out laughing, realizing how absurd the situation was. Angel and I finally had nothing in the way of each other and he was completely head over heels with Cordelia Chase and I was- God- lusting after you, but more importantly, between just me and Angel, there was nothing but friendship, and then we had to laugh. So yes, I told him I loved him because I do, but it's different and he needed to hear the different way I meant it. And that last 'what-if' and 'maybe someday?' It was an agreement that they don't exist anymore."

When she finished, Buffy sat staring at him, waiting for a response. Spike stayed still, no trace of emotion on his face. When he did speak, he dropped his head in his hands, weaved a hand through his hair, and finally looked up at her.

"'M an idiot."

She frowned. "And I used sex again in place of a difficult conversation."

"We make quite the pair, I guess."

"I just- Xander knew how I felt about you, so I don't get why he didn't call me out on that conversation. It was strange because of all the people in my life, I was most worried about his reaction when I told him and then he was the most supportive. I cried when I told him, when I thought I lost you and he was supportive, and he still-"

"It's hard to put the pieces together of what you didn't see. And you and Angel have always acted like you were an epic tragedy the likes of Shakespeare."

She sighed then, but there was a trace of a laugh within and a smile left on her face. When she began again, she turned serious.

"I can't make your doubts and insecurities about us go away, Spike, whether it's with Angel or just what I've shown you in the past. I don't know what's going to happen, but right now, I'm all about doing what makes me happy, whether that means getting an apartment far away from the baby slayers or pursuing a relationship with you. Do you finally believe me when I say I want this? Not because I can't have Angel or because I don't want Angel right now. I want you, just you."

Buffy looked at him then, her eyes wide and urging. She held her breath as she watched him contemplate her words. Slowly, Spike twisted his body to face her better, took a lock of her hair in his hand and threaded it through his fingers. With a slight smirk, he reached forward, hovering a fraction before her lips.

"Tell me what you feel when I kiss you."

And he did.

* * *

Buffy woke feeling his arms around her and pressed her body in closer to him. One eye fluttered open, then another. Taking him in, she was relieved to see that he was sound asleep, a hint of a smile on his face. She knew that they had to get up soon, regardless of how much she just wanted to stay in bed and enjoy this. There were promises to the group to fulfill and she needed to speak with Giles about what happened during patrol. Now that she thought about it, she needed to tell Spike too. Nuzzling his neck, she kissed the spot above his collarbone and gently bit down. The wide smile that graced his face alerted her that he was awake.

"Spike?"

"Mm?"

"Do you believe me now when I say that I want this or do you still think I'm all Confused Buffy?"

He did open his eyes then, shifting their bodies so that they were wrapped around each other fully. Leaning over, he kissed her forehead, each cheek, the tip of her nose, the base of her neck, and finally her lips.

Mumbling against them, he whispered, "I believe you."

"Good, because I think you'll find Happy Buffy to be very good company."

"Angsty Buffy wasn't all bad."

Buffy pulled away and frowned at him. "Yeah, but I don't much like the way she treated you."

"Vice versa, Pet, but we've had this conversation before. Do we need to rehash right now or can I keep on kissing you?"

He emphasized his point by tracing sucking kisses on her neck, mimicking what she had done to wake him up. As he continued lower, in the groove between her breasts, Buffy sighed in contentment, her hand tugging at the curls that were now loosened on top of his head.

"Smoochies are definitely of the good."

Pulling away, Spike smirked and crawled his way back up her body, hovering just above her lips for dramatic effect. Deciding that she was no longer going to just wait for what she wanted, Buffy closed the distance between them and kissed him hard.

"Sure know how to leave a fellow breathless, Pet," Spike breathed as he pulled away and laid his head down on her chest.

"That's funny because you don't need to breathe."

"Think I like this, waking up with you next to me, not glaring or self-hating, running out the door with one good punch to the nose."

Frowning, she bit down on his shoulder with slight pressure.

"Um, excuse me, but I was nice the last time we did this."

"Right, like when you asked me if I still had my soul and then led me off to my fiery death? No apocalypses or immediate danger, another plus."

"Heh, about that?"

"What could I have possibly missed?"

"That angry horde of vampires last night? Notice that they weren't mere fledglings and that they seemed to be gunning hard for you?"

"Bound to take notice one among them's a traitor."

"It was more than that, Spike, I've got a bad feeling about it. And they had a message for me, when you were knocked out, said that there was no place for vampires with souls and that they'd come back with friends."

"Good, I'd like another shot at them. And I wasn't knocked out, I was-"

"Wouldn't mind staking them myself, but I'd rather know what their deal is so we're more prepared. I told the others we'd meet them back at Giles' so we could chat."

"That require me getting up?"

"Yup," Buffy kissed him again, lingering, before shifting out from under him and getting out of bed. "That just means we can build anticipation for later."

With a wink, she was out the door to hop in the shower, leaving a shell-shocked, but very pleased vampire in her bed.

* * *

In all the ways Buffy anticipated telling her friends that her and Spike had made their way back to each other, she never expected Andrew to be among them. The boy had forced himself into the meeting room with promises that he'd be quiet and not fall into the live commentating thing he loved so much. She was sitting next to Spike, their thighs touching, his hand on her knee, hidden under the table, listening to Giles ramble on about his plans with the onslaught of Slayers taking over his house. Buffy was torn between wishing the conversation would come to an end and wanting to prolong the inevitable. With a deep breath, she snuck a glance at Spike and saw that he looked nervous as well. To comfort both of them, she rested her hand on top of his.

It was when Giles' lecture transitioned into idle chitchat that Buffy knew it was time. For all the million and one speeches she had planned for this occasion, the words failed to come to her, her body shivered, and she felt sick, especially when she coughed and half-stood from her chair, drawing everyone's attention to her. Andrew in particular looked at her with intense interest and the slayer in her wanted to reach out and hit him. Spike let go of her hand, but looked at her, as though to say that she didn't have to tell them.

But Buffy wanted to tell them, wanted them to know that she was getting to be happy, to be normal in as much as that not-normal-at-all sort of life she lived. It was the dramatic gesture of making such a statement, rather than just showing them, that was making her hesitate.

Once everyone stopped talking and looked at her, Buffy stood up fully, took Spike's hand and pulled him up with her, and paused to peer at all their faces. Giles was wiping at his glasses, a hint of 'if you must' in his resolve; Dawn sat at the edge of her chair, twirling a lock of her long hair around a finger and looking excited; Willow's eyes widened a fraction, but turned into a sweet smile; Xander leaned back in his chair, smirking; and Andrew excited himself so much, he leapt out of his chair and yelped.

"Guys," Buffy was relieved to find that her voice was steady and she squeezed Spike's hand to heighten his confidence, "Spike and I finally worked a few things out last night and- well, we're together, like, together, in a romantic sense and- Xander Harris, wipe that smirk right off your face because Spike told me about the conversation you two overheard and neither thought it best to ask me about it."

Xander opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off.

"There was quite a bit the two of you missed while you were busy running off, but let me just say this, to all of you, Angel and I are over. O-V-E-R, no more lovesick, puppy dog, wishing for a happy ending some-day mumble jumble. This now is about Spike and me and well, yeah we might be volatile and messy, but it's ours and-"

"Pet," Spike broke into her ranting, "I think they get it. No one's objecting."

As he said this, he finally looked around at the lot of them to gauge their reactions and seemed pleased to find that there was not one look of distaste. Seeing the acceptance in his eyes warmed her heart and she decided she was standing much too far away from him. Stepping closer, she brushed a hand across his cheek to draw his attention back to her and kissed him full on the lips.

"Ew, oh my God, the two of you are going to be so disgusting!"

Buffy and Spike pulled way from each other, smirking, to look at Dawn, who was looking far too pleased to be disgusted.

Sitting back down in his chair, Andrew's voice was breathless. "Start from the beginning and tell me everything. I want full details and-"

Giles shook his head and cut off Andrew.

"Right, that's their business, Andrew, let's not be vulgar. We're all very- pleased- for the two of you, Buffy, but I assure you there is no need to go into any, er, intimate details."

"Speak for yourself. Can you tell me later or will you be busy being all snuggly with Spike?"

Willow's teasing reminded Buffy of how their relationship used to be and she felt another tug in her heart.

"We can definitely make time for girl chat."

"Oh! Me too! I'm old enough now. Just nothing too graphic."

"I'll bake brownies if someone brings the wine!"

They all stopped to look at Andrew.

"Great," Xander clapped his hands together, but still looked guiltily at Buffy. "If we're done here, I'm going to let you girls get down to business while Spike and I go out for a night on the town. G-Man? Uh, Andrew, why don't we let the girls do their thing?"

Giles turned down the invitation with the notion that somebody had to supervise the amount of young women currently residing in his home, but Andrew was halfway out the door in anticipation of the night.

Buffy remembered what she had wanted to bring up to the group about the previous night's patrol as they all prepared to head out, but she saw them all looking happy and carefree, and knew she didn't yet have much to go on, so she decided it could wait at least another day.

With a few more kisses from Spike who was leaning her up against the wall in the foyer, despite the giggles from Willow and Dawn, insistences from Xander and Andrew to leave, and 'Oh, dear Lords' from Giles, Buffy promised she would see him later that night and followed the girls out the door.


	12. Chapter 12

It did occur to him that he was sent to an alternate universe after his wishes, all the good that was happening to him. All that Buffy had said to him, explaining her side of the story, coincided with her behavior as of late and so he was starting to believe her. At least, he knew this was how she felt in the moment. His girl was always changing, but he would soak up every happy second he was offered and he'd even stop second-guessing it- for the most part.

He supposed it had something to do with being definitively immortal. Spend a lot of time living, you tend to realize quickly the parts of life you want to keep around forever. His forever would take him to the end of Buffy's life. Her forever might expire by the end of the month, though he supposed he should stop assuming her to be so fickle.

Truth be told, he didn't mind going out with Xander or even Andrew, but it took a lot out of him to let her walk out the door without him. Progress meant that he was working on the not being a stalker, but more of an as-normal-as-possible boyfriend type. After getting his soul and being free of the First's hold on him, Spike had a chunk of time to reflect on all the ways he had pushed Buffy away and he knew being desperate and over-bearing was part of that. Being nicer to her friends came easily now, it was helped by the fact that they were allowing him into their center, and didn't even appear to be fighting it.

He just was trying very hard not to push her away and so he decided that continuing to not ask more of her than she offered was the right path. Even if he was dying to ignite a conversation about her declaration of love right before he burned in the Hellmouth or how she was all of a sudden so very certain of wanting a relationship with him. Nineteen days post-almost apocalypse seemed to be a very life-altering time for a group of people who previously took years to sort-of acknowledge that he wasn't entirely altogether terrible and that was only when he had died for them. Even Buffy had been all Miss Chatty lately, except for the subjects that he was in fact most interested, for all the wonderful words and kisses that she had bestowed on him, there had been no repeat utterances of that supposed love. The big declarations and a hundred-reasons-why was sort of his thing and definitely not hers, but it did still sort of irk him. So yes, he was trying to ignore those thoughts and desires as though it didn't plague him like a massive headache and twist to his heart whenever he thought about it too much, which was right now because he had learned to tune Andrew's ramblings out and Xander was doing the whole broody-boy thing in the backseat that meant he was overthinking too.

They were damaged, the lot of them, but they were still standing and that had to count for something. It was this, and the thought that Spike didn't even hesitate in accounting for himself as part of that lot, that made him break from his reverie.

"Hey, Whelp, the stars talking back to you?"

"Huh?"

"Don't hurt yourself thinking too hard. Or trying to see in the dark for that matter. Need vamp vision for that."

"Clever."

"That all you got?"

"Guess I was sort of giving Angel a run for his money."

"Ponce."

"Hey, whatever did happen with Angel and Buffy? Back in Cleveland, Rona said he got his soul permanent, but I told her that wasn't possible because Buffy didn't go running back into his arms and now you and her and-"

Andrew cut-off as he noticed Xander's exasperated knock-it-off expression and slap to the head and Spike's sudden stiff posture and death-grip on the steering wheel. After a moment's silence, it was Spike who answered.

"Soul is permanent and Buffy still doesn't want him."

Saying it out loud himself, as though he kind-of, almost really, truly believed it shot a satisfied tingling straight through his un-beating, but still very much feeling heart.

"Oh well, that's good for them."

"Yup." Xander's exaggerated pop of the 'p' at the end made Spike snigger in appreciation.

"I never really got what Buffy saw in him in the first place, at least in that to-the-end-of-times extent. I mean, sure, he's devastatingly sexy in that giant like a line-backer, mysterious and heroic sort of way, if you're into that, but it doesn't really make sense for either of them to be together right now. Right?"

Spike was trying very hard not to pop Andrew in the nose. He had been working on distracting Xander, but he hadn't intended to bring his own sensitive issues to the forefront.

"The Ponce has got himself a new bird and that's all that needs to be said, 'les you want to be dropped back at the house with Giles and the ladies?"

"I'd have gotten the full story if I'd been allowed to go with the girls. Oh! I could be your spy, if you really want to know how Buffy feels!"

"Buff's not really much of a talker when it comes to that sort of thing. Tonight'll be all about the smoochies and 'oh Spike's so dreamy with his peroxide-gelled hair and all-black attire.'"

"Sides," Spike cleared his throat. "We've already had the conversation, between just the two of us, and that's where it'll stay."

"But-" Xander looked nervous, but suddenly curious, from where Spike was watching him in the rearview mirror. "We did witness that er- conversation."

"What conversation?!"

"Like Buffy said, we missed important parts of that, yeah?"

"Yeah, I- well, sure. I mean, if you believe that, then so do I. We do, right?"

"Do we?" Andrew was breathless with curiosity.

"Yes." And this time, Spike was certain.

"Great."

"Yeah."

"But what's so great?"

The car filled again with silence and this time, Spike allowed it. It wasn't long until they reached the apartments. From the street, Spike glanced up to the window of the girls' apartment and if he listened closely, he thought he could hear their giggling. It made him smile and he almost thrust the doors open and bounded upstairs. Looking back to the street, he found Xander already striding down the block to the bar they had scoped out the day before, Andrew close behind, and so, with a sigh, it took him only a few steps to fall into stride next to him.

They appeared to be living within a college area of the city as the bar was filled with students. Though Spike felt out of place and way past age appropriate, and extended that idea to Xander with his one-eye of war-torn, loss-filled wisdom and Andrew with his goofy awkwardness, he realized that the Scoobies would still be of technical age to live in those apartments and go to college. Only Willow had mentioned anything about continuing her education and now he wondered if Buffy might too, now that she was free to do so. She'd have to fill her days somehow, other than lying in bed with him all morning and afternoon until they decided to patrol. He might have preferred the latter for his own selfish reasons, but he didn't hate the idea of her going back to school, of her freedom, her potential. Her happiness was contagious, filled him, and it scared him suddenly, the things- good and bad and in-between- that he'd do to keep that happiness, that girl, well, alive, and thriving.

And in no way would it be bad to have Dawn see what college held. That girl, he was determined, was going to have as normal an existence as any of them could. It didn't matter that her sister was the golden slayer or that he, a vampire, was her surrogate older brother. She might be surrounded by the pair of them, along with a hell of a witch, a Watcher with a dark-side, and the only other supernatural-free confidant in the form of a man who understood the ramifications of surrounding himself with the strange group too well. Though he didn't like the idea of her, or Buffy for that matter, being besieged by all these boys who tried to call themselves men, chugging beers, bumping chests, and screaming at the TV as though they could be heard. That, he would have to keep an eye on.

After stopping at the bar to collect drinks, Spike led the way to a forgotten table in the back. The hunter in him kept one eye on the happenings around him as the trio fell into a much easier, casual conversation than what had occurred in the car. With terrible new-age music blasting in the background, crowded by people, who Spike was happy to realize, he wasn't in the least dying to snack on, there was no brain space in which to overthink. The hours passed and he didn't really even notice all that much, but when he checked his watch and glanced up to find Xander smirking at him in a knowing way, he couldn't help but admit that he was ready to get home.

"Are you ever going to even try out your room? Not that I mind having a space I can call my own again, but we are supposed to be roommates."

Spike punched him good-naturedly in the arm as they walked out of the bar.

"Oh! Can I stay in your room tonight, since you won't be using it? That way you don't have to spend all that time away from Buffy driving me back."

Spike had to admit the boy was resourceful when he needed to be.

"I uh- huh. Not uh-huh, Andrew, but-"

They were standing in front of the apartment doors again, about to go inside, as Spike was trying to think up an excuse that would allow him to strand Andrew on the couch without having to sacrifice a night with Buffy, when the skin at the back of his neck tingled in the not-so-pleasant manner.

"Andrew- Whelp- get inside. Get Buffy."

"But-"

Xander didn't hesitate, knowing full well what was happening, as he grabbed Andrew by the arm and dragged him inside.

"Alright fellows, now that we're fairly matched. What can I do for you?"

From the alleyway a few feet in front of him, Spike could make out shadows. Faint laughter drifted towards him and suddenly, he was itching for a good brawl. With a crack of his knuckles, he shifted into vamp-face and braced himself into a defensive stance. He was going to wait for Buffy, but he just knew these were the same vampires that had knocked him out the night before and he couldn't delay.

"Come back to finish?"

"Something like that."

The voice that spoke was eloquent and soft. His senses told him that made him far more dangerous than a barmy fellow with a cockney accent. Despite his defenses, Spike was surrounded in mere seconds. The best he could do was lash out in a chaotic way and hope for that satisfying crunch. Pulling out the stake he kept tucked into the back of his jeans, Spike leapt into the fray. The dust that swirled around him was the only sign that he was making any progress. Too soon, the fight had been moved far into the alleyway, so as to hide them from any curious, drunken students, and he was now held against the wall, a stake at his heart. The man who had spoken, the obvious leader, pressed it a little further into him, tearing skin, and though he was in no way ready to die, again, Spike thought, well, at least he and Buffy had those last few hours.

Among the deadness, he felt one heart beating strong and clear, before he saw her among the throng of vampires. The outer layer of that half circle of which he was centered went quietly and without fuss as she snuck up behind and staked them to dust, their senses thrown in the excitement of capturing their prey.

"See," there was a dangerous humor to her tone and Spike was very glad to be on her side, "Now I'm starting to take this personally."

Next, came another flourish of chaos. Spike was able to maneuver the stake out of the grasp of the leader, but lost sight of the man himself. Instead, he settled on his counterparts. In one spectacular move, he used the side of the wall to propel himself forward and was enjoying the satisfaction of having driven the stake through a heart, sneaking a peak in admiration as Buffy took care of a group of three all at once, when a hand gripped his shoulder from behind and pulled him backwards.

"Terrible things will happen, _vampire_ , if you remain as you are. Worse still if you do not. Rid yourself of the soul, free us of the prophecy, and you will be unharmed. For the good of the girl."

"Let me go, you bloody pillock. Don't threaten-"

"It may be you of which it speaks, but it could be of another. That is, in the end, for her to decide. You could choose first, for only you can get yourself out of this."

"I don't do things for the good of myself anymore."

"Ah, yes, so I've noticed, William the Bloody. 'A vampire with a soul, marked by the love of the Slayer, will be cursed with the brunt of humanity upon a final sacrifice, bringing destruction to his own kind.' Unless of course, I kill you before it's allowed to happen-"

"Not-" Buffy swept Spike out of the way and delivered a punch to the vampire's face. "Bloody-" She kicked him with force harder than she should as the vampire sailed out of her grasp. "Likely." Before she could reach him again, the vampire found his bearings and disappeared into the night. She looked for a moment as though she wanted to go after him, but instead, she sighed and offered her hand to help Spike stand.

"When will you start playing nice in the sand box?"

They both spared a glance around them at the alleyway that now held piles of vampire dust and burst out laughing. Sobering, Spike looked at Buffy nervously.

"How much did you hear?"

"Other than him threatening to kill you?"

"Nothing about a prophecy?"

"Oh goody, and here I thought I had to wait 'til Christmas. What's it this time?"

"I- uh- maybe we should wait 'til we talk to the Watcher."

"Spike." She looked at him, her arms crossed at her chest, a stern expression fixed on her face, and Spike knew he had to divulge.

"A- uh- vampire with a soul, marked by- chosen by the slayer- will be cursed with the brunt of humanity upon a final sacrifice, bringing destruction to his own kind."

"Wordy goodness. We'll have to ask Willow what she makes of that puzzle. What do you figure it means?"

"I was thinking maybe- But it's probably-"

"What?"

"It's nothing, just silly-"

"Spike."

"What d'you figure the chances it means a vampire with a soul will return to human form?"

Buffy couldn't hide the shock that flitted across her face as she absorbed Spike's words. She frowned, deep in thought, and looked away from him.

"Wishful thinking, then?"

"I-" She looked back up at him. "Nothing could surprise me anymore, not really. Did he say it was about you or that it could be about you?"

"Said it was up to you actually. That I had a choice and-"

"Good."

"Good?"

"It's not about you then."

His stomach sank.

"How do you figure?"

"If it's up to me, it won't be you."

"Why's that then? You seem so sure and-"

"No more sacrifices, Spike."

That then, she decided would end the conversation and Spike didn't have it in him to argue. She took his hand and guided him out of the alley, through the apartment doors, and past the group who were situated in the living room of her apartment to her room. As she shut the door, she kissed and touched him all over. Before he could return her actions, he found himself and her devoid of their clothes. She stopped when she reached his chest, the spot covering his heart, as there was a slight mark from where the vampire had pressed in the stake. So close, he heard her shutter a breath and he held his. For a moment, he thought he heard her sob, but Buffy recovered quickly, pressed a soft kiss against the mark before reaching up to meet his mouth again.

Spike wasn't certain how much time had passed since all other senses gave way to the feel of her against him, but she was in his arms after, her heartbeat slowing to a steady rhythm, her eyelids heavy and shutting, her body tight against his, her hand resting on the space above his heart.

Before either fell into sleep, he heard her mumble, "It can't be you," against his chest.


	13. Chapter 13

A dull ache appeared in her stomach the moment she woke. Her heart thumped to the beat of "not him, not him, not him," but by the time she opened her eyes and faced the man in question, her resolve was set. The prophecy was, according to Spike, under her control as best as any prophecy might be, so she would turn her focus to the vampire cult that was after her boyfriend and she would destroy them.

 _Boyfriend, huh, that's a funny word._

She hadn't used that label since Riley. It seemed such a trivial prospect, considering all that her and Spike had undergone, but the simplicity of it struck her with a gentle warmness she would not denounce. This morning, prophecies and murderous vampire cults be damned, she was a young woman waking in the arms of her boyfriend. Neither may be normal and she would not pretend otherwise, but it made her happy, and so she would celebrate that victory.

Nuzzling into his shoulder, she laughed aloud at how so un-vampiric he was, cozied up on his side, an arm and a leg draped over hers, his head resting on the pillow so that hers was cradled just under his chin, his breathing steady, though he had no need for it. She noticed that since she had commented on her enjoyment of threading her fingers through his curls, he seemed to unleash them more often, never in public, but just for her. He did have that Big Bad reputation to sustain, though she knew he knew he wasn't fooling anyone anymore, except for any demons that crossed him.

Unable to help herself, she pressed a kiss on his shoulder, to his neck, his chin, one cheek, reached up to his forehead, and settled back down again so that she was at perfect level to meet his lips. At some point during her ministrations, he had awoken, grumbled something about keeping human hours, and slipped his tongue in her mouth. Buffy did not open her eyes again for another half hour and that was only because Dawn was yelling at her to 'slip out from her undead lover's grasp and take her to school.'

It was this that made Buffy consider signing Dawn up for bus pick-up, especially because she knew it would be a terrible embarrassment for a high school drama queen, though she didn't find the minivan much better. Her satiated, sleepy vampire boyfriend smiled through heavy eyelids and murmured something about 'sunlight' and 'good night' before turning back on his side and falling again into sleep.

After dropping off Dawn, she had called Giles to brief him on the new threat to their lives, scrounged together something for breakfast, slipped into the shower and dressed- all without waking her sleeping boyfriend- and considered her day when Willow walked out of her room with an armful of textbooks.

"I'm guessing that means no to Buffy-Willow shopping time?" She looked up at her hopefully.

"Rain check! I've got class all morning, a new Wicca group this afternoon, and then Giles said we're all meeting at the house later because we have something of the 'utmost importance' to discuss."

"Oh! That one's on me."

"Have something to do with last night?"

"Yep. It appears my boyfriend has a hard time making friends."

"Well, we knew that about him going into it. Boyfriend, huh?"

"Just something I'm trying. Kinda seems silly when you think about the _boy_ in question, but-"

"Sorta right too?"

"See, I knew there was a reason we were best friends."

Willow smiled back at her, but tensed after a moment, looking nervous.

Buffy frowned. "What's the face?"

"Are we?"

"Whatzit?"

"Best friends? I mean, after everything and-"

"If I say yes will you skip school and go shopping with me?"

"Buffy-"

"I'm kidding, Will. You and me? We've always been best friends. We just got a little twisty for awhile what with me being dead and then dead to the world and you being all magic-obsessed and dark and scary Willow, then the First attacking and me having to be all General Buffy and you guys kicking me out and our home crumbling and-" She stopped when she looked up and found Willow gaping at her in horror. "Well, you were there for that so there's no need to rehash."

Looking miserable, Willow said, "When you say it like that, it just sounds so-"

"Bad?"

Willow clunked the books down on the table and sat opposite Buffy.

"Uh huh."

"It was bad, but that's life on the Hellmouth. Now there's nothing left but a gaping hole and us and I think we've earned the right to forgive and forget the past and be okay again."

They smiled at each other for a moment, feeling the air clear. After a moment, Willow stood and moved to the fridge to put something together for breakfast.

"Any chance that boyfriend of yours will get up anytime soon?"

"Ugh, dunno, he's out like the d- well, he's sleeping soundly."

"What exactly happened last night? Xander and Andrew weren't exactly clear as to what was going down, then you and Spike barged right on past us."

Buffy blushed and couldn't help the grin from igniting her face.

"We were, er, spirited from the battle."

"I bet. But what happened that turned Giles into Serious Watcher mode again?"

"The vampire cult leader told Spike there was a prophecy about a souled vampire possibly turning back into a human and he wants to kill him just in case as it will 'bring destruction to the demon world as we know it.'"

Willow turned away from the fridge to gape at her again.

"It's not actually about Spike, Will. Apparently, it's my choice. We just have to figure out where the prophecy came from, what it means- If it even means what Spike seems to think it does, and then get them to see that it's not about Spike, so they can back off. Or, better option, I stake them so their opinion won't matter anyways."

"Buffy, how can you be so sure it's not about Spike, I mean-"

"It's my choice. 'Chosen by the slayer," or some hoo-haa."  
"But- You don't have many options, I mean, wouldn't it just come down to-"

"Angel? Yep. He'll probably be ecstatic. All roads lead to his redemption, right? Especially now with Cordy and the happiness."

"I would think he wouldn't need it with Cordy and the happiness and the permanent soul."

Buffy shrugged her shoulders and looked nervous for a second. She shook her head, looking past Willow in deep thought, but didn't say anything in response.

"Buffy? Uh, wouldn't you maybe want it to be about Spike? You have to admit, the possibilities that would grant you guys would be-"

Her eyes flickering, Buffy looked back at Willow, offered a small smile and opened her mouth to answer. Before she could formulate all that she wanted to say, her bedroom door opened and Spike strode over to them, still looking sleepy and satisfied, nodded to them in greeting, opened the door to the refrigerator, and rummaged around for a moment. Pulling his head out, he gobbled down the mug of blood Dawn had insisted they always keep in stock, went back for seconds, and placed this mug into the microwave. It was only after it beeped in readiness that he sat down at the table and joined them. When he found the pair staring at him, he looked at them in bewilderment.

"I don't glare at you lot while you eat, disgusting as it is, especially the Whelp. A man's got to keep his energy up after a night like that."

"We weren't glaring."

"And Buffy told me all about the night you had, Spike, so go ahead and savor your mug full of blood."

Spike waggled his eyebrows at her. "Tell you something good, yeah?"

At Willow's blush, Buffy whacked Spike in the shoulder.

"Pig. We were talking about the vampire cult that was after you."

"And the prophecy," Willow offered, looking pointedly at Spike.

The vampire shifted his eyes away from her, uncomfortable for a moment.

"Hm, yeah, about that, Luv. Probably gonna have to put in a call to Peaches. Bloody Ponce'll be bleeding out of his eyeballs at the news."

Buffy detected a hint of resentment in his tone, but chocked it up to his usual annoyance with Angel. Willow was still looking at Spike in observation, so Buffy elevated her voice as a distraction.

"Already on my planner. Him, and Faith too."

"Why the bird?"

"Sending in for some reinforcements." Buffy smiled as Willow's eyebrows perked up. "I want to take out as many of these vamps as we can and the group of us and the barely trained slayers holed up at Giles' isn't going to cut it. You need more than that to protect you."

Spike, who had raised his cup to take a sip, choked at her words.

"Protect? Me? Don't need anyone but myself and m'lady." Spike nodded at her in approval and puffed his chest out as he said it. She almost laughed.

"Sorry. Just as precaution," she coughed, "For my sake."

Buffy and Willow shared a laugh as Spike finished his mug in silence, pouting at Buffy's obvious attempt at placating him.

* * *

Buffy spent the rest of her morning and early afternoon going back and forth between feeling as though she should be searching for jobs or looking into schools and enjoying the feeling of Spike's mouth against hers. After the initial tension and broodiness that followed in the wake of Willow leaving for the day, Spike couldn't stay mad at her for long. She knew, she really did, that soon she would have to find something else to fill her days, but right now, all she could do was enjoy this time of peace they did have.

All too soon, the alarm she had set to wake her just in case, in order to pick up Dawn in time, blared. Waking Spike proved difficult because she didn't have the time to seduce him and otherwise, he was a stubborn deep sleeper. It took a thwack to the shoulder that knocked him off the bed to do it. Grumbling, he stalked after her, his jacket held high over his head as she ran to get the car.

It was over an hour later that she sat in Giles' conference room, feeling so much as though she was still in high school, the same friends and a brooding, en-souled vampire boyfriend beside her. The Dawn and Andrew factors were new at least.

Though both her and Spike had rundown the prophecy and the attacks in great detail, Giles was still unwavering in his suggestion that there wasn't something right about the prophecy. After an hour of this, she finally broke down and asked him what was troubling him. He didn't look happy to answer and faced Spike instead as he did.

"The phrasing and the suggestion of the prophecy doesn't seem to fit the usual requirements."

"How's that?"

"One does not simply get to 'choose,' Buffy."

"Technically, they did at some point, 'cus hello, 'Chosen One."

"Quite," Giles forced a smile. "But that's different. Are you certain that was how he phrased it, Spi-?"

Spike was looking uncomfortable and did not look at Buffy, or Giles for that matter, as he coughed out a 'yes.' Giles frowned again and whipped off his glasses to clean them.

"Perhaps it was paraphrased. We could be giving them too much credit, assuming that they know the entirety of the prophecy. I don't mean to question you, Spike, it's just that I've never come across anything like it before. There is of course the 'Shansu Prophecy,' of which Angel so holds dear, but even that hasn't been completely transcribed. It could pertain to what Spike heard, but- Then again, I was never actually looking for something like this. I'll have to delve deeper into research."

Despite herself, Buffy smiled at his obvious excitement.

"Dawn let out an excited whelp. "I'll come help when I get out of school! Buffy can just pick me up because she's got nothing better to do with her days."

Scowling, Buffy berated her sister on all the things she did concern herself with for the day, ignoring Spike's smirk and the blush that wouldn't go away.

A silence fell over the room in the aftermath of the sister's argument. Xander coughed, clapped his hands together, and smiled at Spike.

"Well my undead friend, it looks like I'll be having to come up with a new nickname for you. Though, undead would still kind of fit all thing's considered. Semantics, you know?"

They all turned to look at him. Willow, Dawn, and Andrew seemed amused, Buffy was fuming, and Spike and Giles just looked confused.

"The prophecy is not about Spike, Xan."

"Uh, all signs point to the obvious, Buff. One," he started listing the reasons off his fingers, "He's an en-souled vampire. Two, he knows the slayer and he's dating the slayer, so we could say that you did in fact choose him. Three, I don't think I need a third reason, it's all there. It could be fun."

Buffy opened her mouth to retort, but Dawn cut her off.

"Spike would be like, totally normal. He would have to cook more often 'cus he'd have to eat and he could go outside, like to the beach or some-"

"You aren't going to the beach anytime soon in London. And even if he were to become human, which he isn't because the prophecy is not about him, he wouldn't be 'normal,' Dawn. None of us are particularly normal so I don't know why that is such an important classification for you."

Dawn did not back down upon her sister's glare.

"I would have thought you of all people would want the prophecy to be about Spike, considering how you used to moan about him being gross, dark, and beneath you in the past."

"How-?"

"Spike talks to me too, you know. So I guess I just don't understand why you, again, get to make this major choice without anyone else's opinion, including the vampire in question."

"Fine." Buffy turned to Spike. "Do you want to be human, Spike?"

She regretted the words tumbling out of her mouth the second it happened. All eyes were on him and he had already looked sick and uncomfortable throughout the conversation.

"Not something I put much thought into. Not had time to absorb, yeah? Niblet, I appreciate the support and all, but I don't think there's a point in fussing over it."

It was a non-answer and that struck Buffy with an odd feeling. She attributed it to his not wanting to dash all of Dawn's hopes and dreams, but she wondered if there was something deeper there. The night came to an end shortly after as tensions were still high and everyone had had a long day.

* * *

The drive back home was filled with an uncomfortable silence as Dawn was angry with Buffy for embarrassing her and Spike was mad at her for refusing to go out for patrol until Faith sent a group of slayers from Cleveland. Buffy was mad at the both of them, Dawn for her ability to hold a grudge and know her weaknesses and Spike for his recklessness.

It was the third night in their new apartments, of being in their new relationship, that Spike huffed off to sleep in his room for the first time and Buffy went to bed alone. As she lay there, the anger faded and the cold swept in. She was halfway out of bed to go after him when there was a slight knock on her door and Spike stuck his head in, looking sheepish. Not having the energy to even fake a perturbed look, she asked him what he was doing there in a small voice. Mumbling something about his room smelling like Andrew, Buffy smiled, pulled back the covers, and patted the spot beside her.

Once he was settled, she leaned into him, kissing his lips and whispering an apology, as he did the same. She laughed and kissed him harder when he vowed never to let them go to bed angry again, because she just knew he had picked up the line from one of his TV shows and yet he said it with such genuine conviction. It amazed her, how charmed she was by him, even when she definitely shouldn't be.

Buffy was feeling much better the next morning, finding making up with Spike to be an altogether enjoyable experience, getting Dawn to school on time and back to talking to her again, and thinking of all the ways she could be productive that afternoon, when she walked through her apartment door and found Faith lounging on her couch.


	14. Chapter 14

"When I called for reinforcements, I didn't mean you."

Buffy remained standing in the doorway to her apartment, arms crossed at her chest and trying not to emote. Faith made it all the more difficult smirking from her position on the couch, looking highly amused.

"Didn't think there'd be anyone better to protect your hunny."

"What about your _hunny_? I thought you and Robin hit it off. He better not be here because Spike-"

"I left Mr. Principal back in Cleveland."

Buffy smirked now at Faith's discomfort as the brunette sat up.

"Ah, now that you don't mention it, Andrew did say something about the two of you not doing so great."

"Just when I think I'm beginning to miss the git."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Gonna tell me why you're really here?"

"You say apocalypse, I say 'I'm bored as Hell in Cleveland.' I was looking for a thrill, going a little stir crazy, you know? And once again, you and your band of weirdos offered me the perfect opportunity."

"I'd gladly pass it off to you."

"Interesting," Faith curled a finger around her chin to mimic deep thought, "That prophecy of yours did say 'chosen by the slayer,' right? Who's to say 'the' is you. Technically, you handed off that role to me when you died, the first time. So which one of your vamp boyfriends should I go for?"

Buffy opened her mouth to retort, but was cut off when Spike stepped into the living room sporting nothing but a black pair of boxers, looking sleepy and curious. Faith stood up from the couch, looked at Spike, then back at Buffy with a wide grin.

"This one'll do."

Despite herself, Buffy frowned. She could feel her blood pressure rising, color flushing her cheeks, and her slayer instinct shouting 'attack!' Noticing the tension, Spike nodded at Faith in hello, then crossed the apartment to stand on Buffy's side. Feeling awkward with Faith watching, when Spike bent to kiss her good morning, she shifted her head and had him meet with cheek instead. Pulling away, she noticed his frown, but he remained close, his voice a harsh whisper.

"Aren't we getting a little paranoid calling in Faith?"

Buffy couldn't keep her voice down. "I did not call Faith to invite her here."

"It's true, I just didn't want to miss the party."

"Right," Spike shook his head. "I'll let you birds figure things out. Enjoy the sunshine."

"Spike-"

"Don't leave on my account, handsome. You're looking a lot better in my eyes after that last apocalypse. I'm even willing to forget those punches, you know, defending Buffy's honor."

Rolling her eyes, Buffy tried to ignore the slight smirk on Spike's face as he turned to leave and the jealousy that stung, unexpected. With a glare at Faith, she went after him, stopping him in the hallway between apartments.

"Where are you going?"

She placed her hand on his arm, but he shrugged her off and fiddled with the door.

"'M hungry."

"I've got blood."

Giving up on opening the locked door, he turned to face her with a sigh.

"Fancy a quiet breakfast. 'Sides, I'm not up for the day. Go formulate your battle plan. Don't need me for that, yeah?"

"I thought we were good last night?"

"All fine. 'M just not a big fan of making a deal out of this."

"There's a crazed, blood-thirsty group of vampires after you and it's not your fault this time. It's already a deal in itself."

"Call the ponce then. Figure he'd have a lot to say about it. Bet you'd listen then."

"Did you seriously just go there again?"

"'Bout him, innit? The prophecy, you're so certain of it. "

"Oddly enough, right now my first priority isn't on the prophecy. When it comes to it, it'll happen. Doesn't seem like we have to prepare much anyways. But I really don't like living in a world that has a target on my boyfriend's back."

"Comes with the territory, pet. We can't just- Did you say boyfriend?"

"Maybe," Buffy sensed Spike's mood shift and she took a step closer to him, placing her hand once again on his arm. "It's what you are, right?"

Eyes serious, he put his hand on her hip and moved her closer to him.

"Are you my girlfriend?"

"Uh huh," she breathed as their lips met. Advancing on this change, Buffy escalated the kiss and pressed him up against the door, gaining leverage from the height of standing on her tip-toes. Grinding into him, she snaked a hand under the lining of his boxers, the other now tickling across his chest.

When the door opened, they almost toppled into Xander, looking bemused and reprimanding. From her position lying on top of Spike on the floor, she nudged her head up and offered Xander an apologetic look.

"Was wondering when you two would take it to our apartment. And to think, I barely enjoyed the peace and quiet. How'd you get stuck in the hallway, though? You know what, never mind, there's still a lot of things I don't want to know."

"You approve of this, then? Wow, everyone's changing."

Xander frowned as he looked up and met Faith's line of sight across the hall.

"There's one explanation. Faith, welcome back to the crazy. Or did you bring the crazy? It's hard to tell."

"Always soft with the jokes, Harris. I'm here on strict business per Buffy's orders, though you know, I've never turned down pleasure."

"Cool it with the innuendos, Faith. No one here's buying. Xander, sorry about the door. Are you heading to the construction site because I think we'd all love it if you could make a pit-stop delivering Faith to Giles where she might feel more comfortable? Or not. I don't really care. Anything has to be better than prison."

Unfazed, Faith said, "Not Cleveland."

"Great, then this will feel like a vacation." She took Spike's hand, pulling him back in the direction of her apartment. "If you two are off then-"

"Was already at Watcher Boy's house though, which is how I know where you live. Said there wasn't much room as Andrew keeps bringing in more slayers every day. Not that he wasn't dying for another babysitter, but I told him my delicate body didn't handle sleeping on floors anymore and my old pals must have plenty of room here what with at least two of you shacking up."

Buffy, dragging Spike by the hand behind her, pushed her way past Faith and back into her apartment. Before answering, she was trying to think up the perfect solution to Faith's very temporary living situation. The easy answer was Spike's room because he'd not yet even slept there and it was unoccupied, but just the idea of Faith staying there left her chilled. The Xander factor was also unsettling with the pair's history to consider. He could stand up for himself to a point, but he was sensitive these days and extended time with Faith, unsupervised, could prove detrimental to his mental health. She also did not want Faith in her own room, remembering the last time she had only sort-of allowed it, but also just the principle of it made her uncomfortable.

Faith did not seem concerned as she plopped back down onto the couch and switched on the TV. Buffy stood between the kitchen and the living room, lost in thought as Spike moved over to the fridge for his breakfast. His swagger back into the bedroom was tempting, though she didn't want to leave Faith unsupervised and very knowing of what was happening. Instead, she settled down at the kitchen table with the laptop Willow had left behind and determined to do something productive with her life.

* * *

Spike couldn't fall back to sleep. He had expected Buffy to follow him, but wasn't surprised when she didn't. Not much rattled her up more than Faith, especially when combined with his current situation. In a way, he was touched by her concern, but it was also frustrating. When she was in General Buffy-mode, she often resorted to tuning people out, though in the past, she'd had good reason to do so. No matter how many times she had sacrificed and proven herself, her friends never failed to doubt her instincts or follow her lead and so he suspected the cool exterior was an emotional guard. Only he'd been able to knock it down, before the battle with the First, proving his loyalty to her, and he thought that had changed her perspective.

He was itching to run free. Back in Sunnydale, he'd dealt with the initial soul business and the trigger that led him to lose control and confidence, which kept him restrained and reliant on Buffy's strength. Then he'd been dead and after that incorporeal and attached to the Ponce, unable to leave or stretch his limbs or spirit. After they moved to England, there had been a lack of action in a lot of ways, but then, then finally, they'd made their way to London where he met a ton of demon playmates to destroy and yet, one decided they wanted to fight back proper and he'd been pulled in by his leash. Well, okay, way more than one, but still. He was a grown, strong, Master vampire and he wanted to do his un-vampire-like duty of killing off his own kind. It was a stress reliever. He craved it, like he did Buffy, though he knew now that his love for her ran deeper and more poignant than anything else.

It didn't preclude her from driving him absolutely nuts with her stubbornness. All of him was trying hard not to overreact or push her away, to show the patience and flexibility he was never known for having. Focusing on the good, like when she had called him her boyfriend. _Boyfriend,_ and she was his _girlfriend,_ she'd said so herself, which was so strange a concept. He liked the way it rolled off his tongue, the way they marked their territory. Such a normal, human thing, to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

Human, that term kept coming up. Since hearing the prophecy, he ignored the suggestion of it. Spike had lived a long enough time to know that prophecies tended to be open for interpretation and so he was trying not to overanalyze, or think much of it at all. 'A vampire with a soul, marked by the love of the Slayer, will be cursed with the brunt of humanity upon a final sacrifice, bringing destruction to his own kind,' the idiot had said. So yeah, there were only two vampires who had souls as far as he knew. And technically, though he was loathe to admit it, Buffy did love them both. He wasn't sure why he had rephrased the prophecy to her by leaving out the love part, especially as that was the phrase that struck him most. He couldn't correct it now without drawing vast attention to his reasoning. She, 'the slayer'- it had to be due to her connection to them- loved them both, in different ways, and so Spike wondered if maybe Buffy did have a choice in the end, depending on which type of love a human made in her opinion.

It wasn't that he wanted humanity, if that's what it really meant, or that he definitively didn't want it, he'd just never given it much thought before. Distinguishing his thoughts on Buffy's perspective was much more complicated. Part of him feared that would be what she wanted from him, to be human and normal like Dawn had said. The other hoped that she didn't care, that she loved him for his humanity and his demon both and that her reasoning was because she didn't want him to undergo anymore changes for her. The soul, it had been necessary and enough, at least that was what he thought they had taken from it. But then another part of him roared against her insistence that it be Angel, particularly because he knew the prophecy was marked by love. Even if that love didn't mean in the romantic sense, Spike feared that it meant she loved Angel most, that their love was more important than the one he and Buffy shared.

She was desperate for it to not mean him, or was it that she was desperate for it to be Angel? He couldn't read her.

Spike was a ball of stress, his favorite activities forbidden to him- biting, killing, sex, just moving. The thought that eased his conscience with a slight sliver of hope was that maybe Buffy would be up for patrol if Faith was around too for extra protection. It didn't hurt that his girl was currently stewing in the next room, as repressed and pent up as he, waiting at the ready for an excuse to strike the jugular.

* * *

"Faith?" Buffy tried to look casual.

The brunette did not turn away from the TV "Uh huh?"

"Are you hungry?"

"Why?" She spared a suspicious glance towards Buffy, who rolled her eyes.

"Because I'm hungry and we don't have much here. If I make a call, would you run down and pick it up?"

"So you and your vampire can do the nasty?"

Buffy crinkled her nose.

"I have to make a phone call."

"To your other vampire?"

"Can you please just go?"

"Fine," Faith smirked, "But only because you said please with a slight desperation in your voice. Makes you appear more human-like."

Buffy did not respond, though a million retorts sat on her tongue, waiting to cut. Once she had placed an order, she sent Faith off with vague directions, hoping the other slayer might get lost for a bit, peeked in on her still sleeping vampire, _the lush,_ and dialed Angel's number.

"How bad is it?"

His voice didn't sound urgent, but there was a resignation to it.

"Why do you assume-?"

"We don't talk unless it's bad. Not much for small talk, either of us. What's going on, Buffy?"

"There's a prophecy."

"Always is."

"About an en-souled vampire."

"Interesting, now that there's two."

"Who might turn human-"

"Huh."

"Dependent on the slayer's choosing."

"So is he already gone human or are you calling to let me know just before?" Oddly, Angel seemed more amused than pissed or hurt. She'd have preferred the anger.

"Well actually," she coughed, "I thought you might like it, with the Shansu and everything."

"What's the catch?"

She tried for innocent. "Huh?"

"There's something to it if you aren't handing it off to Spike."

"You're the one who-"

"Buffy-"

A great, dramatic sigh, "There might be a sacrifice involved."

"He's your guy then. The Champion."

"Not this time. No more sacrifices."

"I- I can't have this conversation right now. There's more to it than just me anymore. Figures this would come around when I'm actually remotely-"

"Happy?"

"Pretty much."

"There's something else."

"Of course."

"There's a nasty group of vampires after Spike because they think it might be him. I don't know if they're large enough to extend to you, but I'd thought I'd give you the head's up."

"Well, th-"

"Could you come here?"

"I-"

"If they see you, it might get them off Spike. We can convince them the prophecy's not about him and-"

"Leave me out to dry?"

"I've got a lot of protection here to offer," She was defensive and slightly agonized. "Faith arrived, and though she wasn't exactly welcome, I suppose she can be helpful. I just- Angel, he's dealt with so much already thanks to me, and I just want to return to the normal, almost friendly levels of threats we deal with."

"Buffy, I'm not sure- I can't just leave here now. Cordy- I'll come as soon as I can, but I won't make any promises. No decision on that prophecy until we can talk more, alright?"

"It's not about him, Angel. That much is already decided."

"By you?"

"Just get here. Please? I want this thing resolved."

She could hear him take a breath and pounced on the moment by hanging up. The phone call was supposed to make her feel better, clear her head. Angel was supposed to be excited at the prospect of being human again, like he had claimed for so many years. He was supposed to have jumped on the plane, eager, and come to them so they could make it happen, polish off the vampires, and be done. Now he was just another delaying, frustrating factor.

She still sat at the table, phone in hand minutes later, when Spike emerged from the bedroom. Now fully dressed, he was looking far more awake and put together. He was irresistible. Without a word, Buffy stood and strode over to him, taking his head in her hands and pulling him down into a kiss. Matching her enthusiasm, he lifted her in the air, not breaking contact, until she was breathless and panting. A hand on his chest, she readied herself to push him back through her bedroom door, _who's the lush now?,_ when Faith stepped back into the apartment. His hand lingered on her ass, not that they had much of an excuse anyways.

"Phone call my ass. Or would that be yours?"

"Phone call?"

Spike didn't look angry, but he was pressing her for answers with his tone. Buffy looked at both of them, sheepish, but feigning casual, as she extracted herself from his grasp, walked towards Faith, and took the food out of her hands.

"Who's hungry?"


	15. Chapter 15

Spike was staring out the window like a puppy waiting for his owner to get home. Seeing him like this, standing off to the side and slightly behind a curtain so as to avoid any lasting rays of sunlight beaming in, Buffy reminded herself to get that glass Angel had installed. Xander had already put the special glass in the cars, but she hadn't even considered the apartments, just something else that made her feel like a terrible girlfriend.

Denying him another evening of patrol or just general out-ness seemed cruel and she knew technically, she didn't hold any power over him. For a moment, she considered all the ways she could bribe him into staying in for the night, but that seemed like it was going too far. Not to mention, she was starting to go stir-crazy along with him. He had been agitated since she admitted to calling Angel and asking him to come to London, shooting down all of her attempts at small talk, which, she would give him credit this time because she really was terrible at small talk and her vampires knew it.

When she had returned from getting Dawn, and after she had suggested it would be better to stay behind and out of the sun, never mind that Faith was still lounging on the couch giving Spike moon-eyes, she had found him missing. Thankfully, Faith was where she had left her and casually mentioned that His Broodiness had finally gone back to his apartment, where she hoped he might be tidying up his room for her.

Buffy told Dawn about Faith's visit in the car, but the girl wasn't as fazed as she thought she might be, so long as there would be no sacrificing or sharing of rooms on her part. She had been hoping for some sisterly solidarity, but Dawn was still on edge from last night and couldn't keep the snarkiness out of the conversation.

Momentary distraction came in the form of Willow, seeming disappointed that Faith was the only arrival from Cleveland, as she told Buffy all about the new Wicca group she had joined and how they were all very much about doing good and not bad experimental wonkiness. Xander entered an hour later, looking frazzled and tired, and claiming it wasn't so much from his full day at work, but the few minutes he spent at Giles' trying to fix two of the three showers in the estate and calm the dozens of girls who apparently all needed to freshen up at once.

Spike only reemerged as the last of the sun was going down, stationed himself at the window, then turned to Xander and asked if he wanted to go out that night. She almost let him too, just to prove a point. But she suspected they both well knew that she wasn't letting him out without proper supervision. Faith answered before she could intervene.

"Finally someone's doing something remotely interesting." She stood up from the couch and stretched. "Show me around this little city of yours."

"Ohh, yay, I'm totally in!"

Buffy scoffed at Dawn as the younger girl jumped up from where she sat at the kitchen table finishing her homework.

"You so totally are not."

"But Buf-"

"You and Willow have homework to do. Make a party out of it, could be fun."

As Dawn opened her mouth to rant, Willow offered Buffy a sheepish look.

"Actually, Buffy, I can't be on Dawn duty tonight. I promised the ladies from my Wicca group I'd meet up with them."

"I-" Buffy's eyes went huge. "Xander- You aren't by chance so exhausted that you couldn't possibly even think about going out on a night like this, right?"

"I'd like to think I'm good enough of a friend to do that for ya, Buff, but I could really use a night out."

Buffy almost punched the table in frustration. Instead, she closed her eyes and focused on her breathing.

"No, of course, I shouldn't have asked. She's my sister, you guys have done so much already, I'll just-"

"Sneak me in! I bet Spike knows a guy who could get me a fake. Or Faith."

"Don't know many people around here, kid, but give me an hour, I bet I could track something down. That is, if big sis isn't too much of a coward."

"I wouldn't call being responsible cowardly, Faith. She's sixteen and doesn't need to be out in a bar, especially on a school night."

"Spike?" Dawn was giving him her sweetest voice, the one that usually got her whatever she wanted, but his mood was already soured.

"Sorry, Niblet."

Pouting, she huffed back down in the chair.

"Fine. What are you guys gonna do then? Stay in and babysit me? Leave me by myself? Go all the way to Giles' to drop me off on a school night just to pick me up again in the morning?"

"I'll have to stay with you, Dawnie."

Neither of the Summers' sisters looked thrilled by this.

"My meeting won't run too late, Buffy, if you want to meet them after."

Willow's rounded, concerned eyes reminded Buffy so much of the innocent youth she used to be that she couldn't help but return her smile of encouragement.

"Yeah and we won't be out too late either, if you wanted to get in a patrol."

"Drink first, kill later. Sounds like an A-class plan to me, Harris." Faith turned to Spike who was still staring out the window into the now fully darkened sky. "Have a place in mind, stud?"

Spike turned around only when he realized people had stopped talking and found them to be looking at him.

"Huh? Oh, right, the bar. I- well-"

His eyes found Buffy's and he hesitated.

"You should go, Spike."

"I- Yeah?"

She smiled at him and was glad to realize she meant it.

"Yeah. Just promise to stay on alert. And all of you bring stakes."

Spike beamed at her, crossed the room, swept her out of her seat at the kitchen table, and kissed her full on the mouth. When he pulled away, she was flushed red and grinning despite herself.

Xander clapped her on the back, though she was still looking shell-shocked.

"Don't worry, Buffmeister, I've got Deadboy Jr.'s back."

Spike glared at him and shoved him with a gentle push towards the door.

"With a stake of your own, yeah?"

"I haven't ruled it out just yet, even though I don't hate your mere essence at the moment."

Spike grinned and turned again to Buffy.

"Bit of a patrol after, yeah?"

Matching his grin and eyes twinkling, she said, "Some sort of rough and tumble, yeah."

At Dawn's disgusted groan, Buffy let him go with a final, quick kiss on the lips and watched as he and Xander exited the apartment. Before Faith could get herself together to follow, Buffy stopped her with a firm hand on the other slayer's upper arm.

"Xander has better intentions, but you've got the skills. You're here because I need someone else to watch his back, who can actually do something about it. This isn't funny or some kind of game. He means everything to me, Faith."

Faith shrugged her off, menace flashing in her eyes, but as she took in Buffy's expression, she softened.

"Got it, B. He's the president, I'm security."

Once Faith left, Buffy sat back down at the table and sighed. She found Dawn and Willow gaping at her.

"What?"

"Well," Willow started. "One, that was kind of terrifying-"

"And totally badass!"

"And two-"

"I can't believe you actually let Spike go!"

"What she said," though Willow shot a glance at Dawn and her eagerness.

Buffy shifted a little in her chair, uncomfortable.

"I don't need to let him do anything."

"Which is why he asked for your permission? Do you even know the power you hold over him?"

"It's not like that, Dawnie."She turned to Willow. "Right?"

"I- Well- You have to admit, he does do pretty much whatever you say these days."

Buffy put her elbows on the table and rested her face in her hands.

"Just Good Ol' Buffy being a terrible girlfriend."

"To be fair, most of the time, I think Spike is more than happy to do whatever you ask him."

"And we don't think you're a terrible girlfriend, Buffy. What Dawn was trying to emphasize is that Spike thinks very highly of you and whatever you have to say, so more often than not, your suggestions are in his best interest."

"Still not sounding great here, guys."

"Fine," Dawn issued a dramatic sigh. "I'll say it. Lay off him a little."

As Buffy lifted her head and her eyes flashed towards Dawn who was miming a whip, Willow spoke up quickly.

"Maybe just talk to him more about things? You guys seem to have a lot of misunderstandings a lot when it comes to, er, issues, especially this new one, and maybe if he thought you were in this together, he might be more receptive to things."

"We are in this together."

"But does he know that?"

Buffy grumbled, "I could make it clearer."

"Relationships are hard." Willow looked at her sympathetically. "What's important is that you guys are together, know how each other feels, and you work on things as they come up, both good and bad."

"How did you become so wise?"

Willow had a ghost of a smile on her lips.

"I think you know more than anyone, Buffy. When you lose someone, you suddenly realize all the millions of things you've done wrong and all the million and one things you could have done to fix them. The trouble is realizing that failure isn't only acceptable, but necessary when you've got them with you. Yeah, you and Spike live exceptionally hectic and strange lives, heck, we all do, but relationships can be fun even when you want to rip all of your hair out. Just keep trying."

Even Dawn remained silent, absorbing Willow's words. The redhead smiled at them and stood, collecting all of her books from the table and stuffing them into her bag.

"Try to think dust-free thoughts."

With that, she left the sisters behind.

* * *

Spike had to admit, he was impressed by how much the bird could drink. He always suspected slayers to have a higher tolerance for alcohol, but his never showed much proclivity for it. While she ordered another round, Xander complained about slayer and vampire metabolisms as he patted his stomach.

"Bloated, Harris?" Faith teased. "Nothing sexier to the ladies than a big gut."

"Ha ha. It just so happens, I could get any lady I wanted in here. I just happen to be taking some time off from the dating department."

"Because of all the demons?"

Spike choked on his beer and Xander shot him a dirty look.

"Because I'm not ready to date after-" Xander swallowed. "I wouldn't look all high and mighty. Don't think we don't all know the real reason you came. Wanted to run away from Mr. Principal. What? Did he get too serious-too soon on you? Or was it he realized you weren't worth his time now he wasn't facing life or death situations?"

Spike raised his eyebrows at Xander's cutting words, remaining silent. Faith was stoic, but after a moment, she smiled.

"I like the new you, saying what you feel. Standing up for yourself. Or is that just because you're free from your boss at the moment?"

"Who-?"

"Who else?"

Spike slammed his glass down.

"Don't talk about her like that. She's done a hell of-"

"Easy tiger, I forgot how pussy-whipped you are. Like I said, boss-woman. 'Sides, you weren't even talking to her until she let you go out tonight."

"I-" But he stopped himself, shaking his head.

"Can't even argue. Look, it's fine. I get it. You love her. She loves you-" Faith saw his expression and scoffed. "Huh, hasn't said it, yeah that sounds more like Buffy. But anyways, there are feelings there and she takes it on herself to play Ms. Righteous and save the world, regardless of what makes her happy, right? But you care, so you listen to all the orders she gives and play the part of a good little en-souled vampire, but let's be honest here, we all know where it leads. At some point, you're gonna leave or you're gonna die for her cause. Again. No in-between, no happily ever after. Even if you do take a leap for that brand-spanking-new humanity."

Spike bit the inside of his cheek, but didn't break eye contact. Casually, he picked up the rest of his beer and drained it in one sip. Putting it down, he stood up from the table and tucked in his chair.

"Right, then. I'm done here."

"Get to you did I? Need to return to your Pretty Little Princess waiting for you at home with Little Sis, preparing all the things she needs you to do for her and-?"

Spike stepped close to Faith, backing her into the wall against which she sat. He could feel Xander's eyes on him as he shifted into game face.

"I'm a better man because of Buffy and you'd do well to realize just how much better a woman you could be if you listened to her once in awhile. She's tough and yeah, infuriating sometimes because she's stubborn and independent and bloody nearly always right. She finds it hard to love because people have betrayed her one too many times, but when she does, it's with her whole self. And if she loves me, then I'd consider myself the luckiest sod in the universe 'cus I know I don't deserve it. I'm already lucky enough because I get to love her and that's the easiest thing I've ever had to do. So yeah, call me pussy-whipped, though I don't see it that way. I've lived a few lifetimes, Faith, and I'd die a million more times for her if needed. This is the one I want. She's the one."

Spike shifted back into his human form before Faith could register that he'd stopped talking. He spared a glance at Xander who smiled at him in encouragement and found that he was relieved his friend wasn't repulsed by his demon. He turned to leave the bar, Xander and Faith behind him, the latter of which he thought he heard mumble, 'God save the Queen.' Once outside, his vampire instincts on overdrive, Spike smirked and sped up his pace back to his lady.

Safely back inside the apartment building without incident, Spike entrusted Xander to show Faith to his room and wished them both a goodnight with a nod. He tried the door to the girls' apartment and was relieved to find it unlocked. The apartment was dark, save for the light flashing from the movie Dawn and Buffy were watching. Dawn, of course, was still wide-awake and she didn't bother turning away from the TV as he entered. Buffy was curled up on the other end of the couch sound asleep.

In a whisper, he asked Dawn, "All well, Niblet?"

"Uh huh."

"Red home yet?"

"No, but she called a few minutes ago to say she'd be back soon."

"Good. When did sis pass out?"

"The snoring kicked in mid-way through."

Spike chuckled and settled himself between them on the couch, lifting Buffy's feet to drape over his legs. Dawn looked at him out of the corner of her eyes, hesitated, then spoke.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

Pausing the movie, she adjusted herself to face him.

"Don't give up on Buffy. Even when she's being stubborn or non-talky or whatever."

"Niblet," but he looked down at Buffy. "I couldn't if I wanted to. Not even without the soul."

"And don't disappoint her."

"Can't promise that. 'M only a vampire, I'm bound to mess up, yeah?"

"I mean," Dawn chewed her bottom lip. "Don't leave. Not again."

Spike frowned. "It was never a matter of choice, Pet."

"It can be, now."

Dawn turned back towards the TV and pressed play. She didn't appear to have anything more to say and her seriousness disappeared into fits of giggles at the movie. After awhile, Willow came back and wished them a goodnight as she had an early class the next morning. It was this reminder that set Spike off on a torrent on the importance of a good night's sleep as he scooped Buffy off the couch and ushered Dawn into her bedroom.

Careful to not wake her, Spike almost laughed out loud at how unlike him it was to undress her this slow and without the fun part that followed, as he tucked her into bed. Pulling her closer into his arms as he laid beside her, he reached over and kissed the side of her head. Sensing him, Buffy rolled onto her other side so that they were face-to-face and wrapped an arm around him.

"Spike?"

He opened one eye and found that hers were still closed.

"Luv?"

"Tomorrow we should talk strategy."

Spike smiled and kissed her lips, which she gently reciprocated.

After a long moment, she said, "Spike?"

"Yes?"

"Good night."

He smiled and kissed her again.

"Night, Luv."

He was drifting into sleep when she spoke again.

"Spike?"

"Buffy?"

"Patrol tomorrow, okay?"

"Whatever you say, Slayer."

It was several moments later when Buffy opened her eyes and called out his name again. When he didn't answer, she whispered it.

"Spike?"

Confirming that he was asleep, with one hand over his heart and the other rubbing soft circles on the arm that held her, Buffy issued a small sigh and cuddled further into him.

"I love you."

She only wished it wasn't so scary to tell him when he could hear it.


	16. Chapter 16

Spike dreamt of sweet words and hot kisses until he pulled himself out of sleep and woke to the real thing. Still sound asleep, Buffy was curled into his side, looking peaceful and content. Kissing her forehead, he rested his head against her chest, listening to her heart beat a steady rhythm and wondered what it felt like. It had been far too long, and he for so long so uncaring, to remember what it felt like to have his heart beating against his chest. Most humans, they rarely thought about it unless that safe, unerring, constant rhythm wasn't going for whatever reason.

When she woke, and it may have had to do with the careful ministrations he was currently performing on her chest, she smiled a warm greeting, which quickly turned into satisfying moans of encouragement. Spike had his head under her tank top, which he found more fun than just ripping it off at the moment, when the voices from somewhere else in the apartment loudened and echoed.

Buffy's hand was fisting in his hair, grounding him to her, when she pulled up abruptly at the noise.

"Oi!"

At the very least, she looked sheepish and disappointed.

"What's that?"

Still annoyed and milking the place where she had tugged on his hair, Spike sat up and listened. A frown graced his face and he sniffed at the air, disgusted.

"Bloody hell."

"Huh?"

Pulling her tank top back down, Spike stumbled out of bed and picked up the pair of jeans that lay on the ground. Offering his hand, Buffy took it, a confused look on her face, as he ushered them out the door.

"'Ello, Peaches. You can't tell me the dramatic opening isn't just Angelus's liking."

Angel stood near the door of the apartment, arms crossed at his chest, appearing tired and annoyed.

"Those were not my screeches. I can't raise my voice to that octave."

Spike looked amused towards Dawn, who matched Angel in his defensive stance. Buffy stepped forward.

"Dawnie-"

She turned on Buffy.

"Don't. _Him_ being here means there's something bad going on. He doesn't just show up. I thought things were finally settling. I mean, yeah, Spike has a bunch of vampire cronies after him and there's a prophecy that's probably related to an apocalypse of some kind, but I thought you had this under control for now. _You_ said _you did,_ anyhow. So no matter how bad, I just don't understand why you had to call him."

"It pertains to him too, Dawnie."

"Of course it does," Dawn rolled her eyes and looked at Spike.

"Fraid so, Niblet. Big sis'll put an end to it, yeah?"

Dawn opened her mouth, glare now fixed on all three of them, when Willow stepped out of her room, a long yawn mixing in with a confused look.

"What's with the-oh! Uh oh," she frowned. "Hi, Angel."

"Why does everyone keep saying it like that?"

"Don't exactly stop by for tea, do you?"

Angel frowned. "I'm here because Buffy asked me to be."

Willow raised an eyebrow, but didn't speak a word, while Dawn stalked back off to her room.

"Come to claim your prize finally? Surprised you didn't come sooner at that."

"Well-"

"Breakfast!" They all looked at Buffy as she spoke. "I'm starved. Blood for two and uh- Spike? Eggs all around?"

Angel crinkled his nose and Spike let out an unfriendly bark of laughter.

"Can't stomach eggs, yet he wants to be human. Pfft. Hate to break it to you, you sodding-"

"Spike," Buffy took his hand and guided him towards the kitchen. "Hungry Buffy. You should probably make enough for Xander, Faith, and Dawn too."

* * *

They were now all assembled around the kitchen table, breakfast finished, talking strategy. Faith, Xander, and Willow sat in the chairs, Buffy leaned against the couch facing them all, while Angel stood rooted in his spot near the door.

Spike was pacing next to Buffy as he spoke, "Need to patrol. It's been a few days since we've been out and I don't want them thinking they've scared us off."

"There's no need for impulsiveness. We should learn more about-"

Spike cut-off Angel. "No better way of getting that information than being out there and hunting down the tossers."

"Tell me what the prophecy said again."

Looking uncomfortable, Spike turned pointedly away from the eyes all trained on him. "Can't trust it, though, can we? For all we know, it doesn't exist and they're just trying to welcome me to the neighborhood with a nice hazing."

"But we can't think that way," Buffy turned towards Angel. "The leader told Spike that the slayer would choose the ensouled vampire to turn human."

"We don't know that's exactly what it was though, Buffy," Willow spoke up. "That's what it sounded like, but we still don't know for sure and we shouldn't make assumptions. I think we have to be careful, but Spike's right. We should be out there. We've got a lot of reinforcements now. They can't bring Spike down with-"

Buffy interrupted, "Or Angel."

"Huh?"

"They'll be going after Angel too, once they realize the prophecy's more likely about him."

Spike momentarily stopped his pacing to glare at her, but she didn't notice. He caught Faith staring at him, offered her the same glare, and continued his pacing.

"We'll have to patrol. Giles is researching, but he's also drowning in Potentials right now and I can't rely on him to do it all for us. I'm not one for the textbooks, so I say we get out there. Willow? You can go with Xander and Dawn- 'cus I'm not dealing with her fit later when she gets back from school and hears what's going on."

"Great," Spike stopped pacing and looked at them with a self-satisfied smirk. "Buffy and I'll-"

"Well actually-" Buffy grimaced as Spike froze and looked at her in shock and horror. "I was thinking it should be you and Faith and me and Angel. We both know the area a little better and this way, we can throw them off. Hopefully it will change their focus to Angel once they see him with me."

Though her face was a dark red, Buffy did not back down from Spike's astonished gaze. Everyone avoided eye contact as tensions elevated.

"Fine," Spike coughed. "If you lot don't mind, I fancy myself a rest. Faith, you know where to find me when you want to talk strategy."

"Spike-"

But he didn't stop or look back at her in acknowledgement as he crossed the room and left the apartment with the slam of the door. Buffy held her head in her hands for a moment, while Willow jumped up to start collecting dishes and Xander coughed something out about needing to get to work. Angel looked uncomfortable until Faith got him talking about things in LA.

It took all the strength she had in her not to go after him. Usually, she knew he would want her to chase after him, but now she wasn't certain. No matter how much she hated the unease between them, she couldn't give in because it was the best strategy she had right now. They'd get through patrol, the prophecy, and whatever else was being thrown at them, and then she would think up a thousand ways to make it up to him.

* * *

Buffy was distracted on patrol. Conversation with Angel ran out once she'd asked after Cordelia and the others back in LA. Part of her really wanted to continue the chat about the prophecy and what it meant to him, but she was scared of what his reaction would be after how they left things. When a stray vampire jumped at them, there was a laziness in the way she staked him. The lack of banter between her and Spike left a void that was uninspired. She needed to a good fight to keep the visions of how good of a team Faith and Spike could make if given a choice. Instead, she took a deep breath, continuing her stride slightly ahead, and turned towards Angel.

"So about that prophecy-"

"Buffy-"

"It's your road to redemption, Angel. I mean, yeah, you've got your soul anchored and you're happy with Cordy, but that's not what it's all about, right? You hate the vampire thing. I mean, yeah, it's not always great, and the blood lust thing is kind of gross, except for- well," she blushed, "but Spike doesn't hate it. He embraces it, but you-"

"Cordy said it was up to me."

"That's great then! Of course, she'll be thrilled and-"

"Buffy, something happened when Cordelia was in her coma. It's not terrible in the end-of-the-world sense, but it's not great, but it could be, either way, depending on our perspective."

"What's with the cryptic? Do you want to be human or not?"

"Cordelia's kind of immortal."

Angel almost walked into her as she stopped walking.

"Well, immortal is a strong word. Her essence, she's tethered here securely now, but part of the problem was that she's become a sort of other-worldly Goddess, which is why she was in a coma, she had been stuck in both dimensions. We, Fred's sure of it, that Cordelia can't be- it'd be damn hard to kill her- and I- I don't need the humanity anymore. To be happy."

"But you're not sure? Fred's just guessing."

"Buffy-"

"I need you to do this for me, Angel. Spike-"

By the crowd alone, Buffy could tell this was more than just an average vampire nest. Her instincts had been momentarily suffocated by Angel's admission, so she hadn't sensed them surrounding them.

"Scratch that. I need another favor."

"Yeah?"

"Let's kick ass."

It was just the release she needed. No holding back, Buffy exploded towards the group and started staking anything that dared come near her. She was out for blood, eyes seeking the one vampire she most wanted to destroy, but she couldn't find him. Every so often, she could see Angel was working fine on his own. Adrenaline still racing, Buffy staked the final vampire who had stuck the fight out until the dusty end. It was Spike's gleaming, thrilled face she was seeking when she looked up smiling. Angel didn't look as though he'd had as much fun as she did.

They headed back to the apartment without speaking. She could feel her heart still racing. Back in the apartment, Buffy fretted over the fact that Spike and Faith had not yet arrived home. Xander, Willow, and Dawn hadn't seen more than an average vampire or two and though she enjoyed recapping her battle, Buffy realized that she hadn't gotten any information out of them.

"The leader, he wasn't with them. He definitely would have made himself known. I bet that's why they kept quiet. Don't know what to say, just to follow instructions."

"Hmm."

"What's with the 'hmm', Will? I find that I don't love it when you 'hmm' in particular."

Willow looked as though she had been caught sharing a nasty secret. "No, it's just, well, I don't wonder if maybe they split into teams tonight too."

Eyes wide, Buffy crossed the room in mere steps, her hand on the nob, when the apartment door flung open. The sounds coming through it, vibrant and loud, sounded foreign and threatening at first, but as Spike and Faith stepped inside, she realized they were laughing.

Relief flooded through her at the sight of both of them, though the closer the look she got, she realized they were both roughed up and bloody.

"B," Faith walked over to the refrigerator and rummaged through it. "Your boy knows how to fight."

"Met them then?"

"Yup," Faith pulled out a bottle of water and threw a bag of blood towards Spike. "This one guy was real chatty too, though we didn't get enough time to really listen to what he had to say. Went after Spike hard though."

Buffy looked at Spike as he tore open the bag of blood with his teeth and vamped out as the blood touched his throat. She realized just how much adrenaline was rushing through his system, as he couldn't control the vampire visage. He met her stare as he finished, a bit of blood dribbling down his chin. Despite herself, Buffy flinched, more so from the intensity sparking in his eyes then the blood or his game face, but Spike scoffed and shot a glare at Angel who was sipping politely from a coffee mug.

Pulling himself together, Spike returned his face to normal, wiped his mouth with his hand, and looked at them.

"More tomorrow, yeah? Think we brought down their numbers significantly, so we can get a real shot at that son of a bitch."

"Game on, brother. I've never met anyone else who fought with so much passion. I-" Faith cut-off at the look on Buffy's face. "I think I'm going to eat about five sandwiches, then hit the hay. Angel, I'd offer to bunk with you, but I don't think your woman back at home would like it so much."

Buffy didn't speak as sleeping arrangements were made. All she knew was that Dawn was not happy to be having to share with Willow, who was working hard at not looking offended, and Angel would take her room. She continued to stand at her place against the couch, deep in thought, when she realized it was just her and Spike. Her boyfriend, having come down from his high, was looking between her and the door to the apartment.

When he realized she was looking at him, Spike cleared his throat and pointed towards the couch. Surprised, Buffy backed off and watched as he walked over and sat down on it.

"Right, well, think I'll try to sleep too. You don't have any extra blankets or-?"

The tears came before she could control herself. Fat, heavy drops that made her feel like she was drowning. In mere seconds, she was surrounded by cool, safe arms that she knew she didn't deserve in that moment. Blindly, she reached up and found his lips with hers.

"I-wait-Spike-"

"Luv?"

Buffy leaned away from him, stroking her hand against his cheek. Suddenly, she whacked him as hard as she could.

"Oi!"

The adrenaline must have still been running through his system, or she had punched him in just the right spot, because he had vamped out on her again. When she lifted her hand again, he stepped back farther from her, but she smiled and brushed against him.

"I wasn't flinching at your face before."

"I-"

But she reached up and kissed him again and when he reciprocated, she knew, somehow, she'd gotten out of a real fight again. Still, she couldn't help but feel as though things would just get worse if she couldn't fix them soon

* * *

The sex was messy, heated, and quiet, save for the moans and growls echoing from each other their mouths. Buffy tried to show him, make him feel, all that she felt and she hoped it got across. Waiting until his eyes closed and his breathing stopped, Buffy drew closer to him and whispered into his ear, much like the night before.

"I love you."

Happy that the words fell easier this time, she tried to sleep.

He heard her, because, of course he did. It's funny to him, the way the words roll off her tongue, how momentous they feel to her, and to him too, if he's being honest, but he's not sure if she really gets the impact her words just had on him. Well, actually, she's thinking there was no impact as he's supposed to be asleep. Thing is, and he felt like a right ponce for thinking it, and even though this is the second time she has said it, but the first time he believed it, and for however long he's suspected it, those words changed his perspective- on everything.

She loves him, without condition- well, maybe with a few conditions- but she does, and it's not because she needed him to be her caretaker or her champion, there's no sire or soul- motivating obligations, and for the first time in his undead life, there's no well-Angel-didn't-or-can't-or-won't-have-me-so… and it's freeing. Those realizations and her love. There's no more walking on bloody eggshells or waiting for it all to fall away. He's loved and he loves and sod it all, they've been to Heaven and Hell and back, seen each other at their very worst and at times, their best, and they still, somehow, managed to fall in love.

Spike refuses to overthink it. She'll love him until she doesn't or forever and he will give and take it all. But he knew, she said those words when she didn't think he could hear her and it's time she realized it was no longer acceptable to be holding out on him in this way. Buffy felt it and thought it and shared it, but she couldn't say it to his conscious form, and she needed to know how bloody crazy that was.

No matter, death or humanity he might meet, he couldn't promise her he wouldn't go self-sacrificial. Given the option of his friends and her or himself, it would always be them, but she's shown just the same, the hypocrite, and so she'd have to understand. This silence, her refusal, it wasn't fair to him, but it especially wasn't fair to her.

Keeping his voice steady and calm and nonchalant, just to show her how big a deal this wasn't, he listened for a beat to her heart slowing into sleep, and he said it, "I love you too, Buffy."

Spike kept his eyes open, but worked to keep the smirk from lighting up his face. As she lay into her pillow, body curled into his, her hand wrapped around his arm, he watched the exact moment her eyes shot open in surprise. Sitting up, she pushed him off of her and tried to get out of bed. It's all he could do to place a comforting hand on her shoulder and keep her steady. Eyes wide and fearsome, her voice is surprisingly calm and cold.

"No."

"Buffy-"

"You can't- I didn't- I take it-"

"Don't finish that sentence. 'Les you want me to walk out that door and not come back." Through the darkness, he saw her pale further, so he lightened his glare. "Buffy, love, it doesn't have to be a big deal. Just what it is between you and me, yeah? Why does that scare you?"

"The prophecy-"

"What about it?"

"It can't be about you. You said I have a choice."

"See," and now he was growing angry and impatient. "You keep sayin' that and I hear you, I'm not looking to trade faces either, but what's it to you? Is it your last hope for holding on to Angel? That it? Because-"

"We don't even know what it means. What if it's just saying a human will kill you? Or you become human, but hey! Jokes on us because your age suddenly catches up with you and your bones crumple and you still turn to dust? Or, or!, whose to say how long it will take? Last time, you were gone nineteen days, but this time, it could be nineteen years or more. I could be dead or we could have missed out on the best years of our lives together. Weirder, you could come back reborn, a baby, or as someone else and we would never know. You wouldn't be Spike and I- it can't be about you. I can't lose you."

"We don't have a choice, Pet. If the prophecy is real. There's no choice. I haven't exactly been-"

"I love you," panicking, she thrust herself into his unsuspecting arms, her hands grasping his face and bringing him to her as she kissed him, hard. "God, I love you so much. You can't- You have to promise me you won't. No sacrifices, no being pig-headed and stubborn and heroic." She kissed him again, gentler this time, but firm. "I love you."

"Just realizing that now or-?"

"They leave."

"Whatzit?"

"Every time I say it, they leave. Angel, first as Angelus and then 'for my own good.' Riley because he couldn't handle what it meant to be the slayer. And you. God, you. I tell you I love you, finally, and you burst into flames. I- I felt it. I told everyone else how I felt because I needed someone to know, to believe, and then you came back and I knew it then too, I know it, clearer and easier than I've ever felt before, but I couldn't say it because then you'd be gone again. You will be gone again, because I said it. But I thought- You'll be gone, unless you- don't let it be about you."

At her wide, watering eyes, Spike wanted to promise her the world.

"About that prophecy, Luv. I told it to you wrong. Don't know why, but- I didn't want to presume or make you panic. Didn't want to think it was Angel, if 'm honest, and 'm working on that."

"Spike-?"

"No choice, Buffy. There's no choice. It's the ensouled vampire, marked by the slayer's love."


	17. Chapter 17

Buffy had been leaning in to kiss him again when Spike's words hit her. She sat back, sitting on her heels, a blank expression coming across her face. Spike didn't dare move or speak, waiting for the onslaught that was certain to come.

Though she stared right at him, Buffy was so locked into her own mind, she seemed unseeing and he didn't think she remembered he was there. This reaction scared him more than if she hauled up and hit him. It was strange how calm she was when she finally did speak moments later.

"Marked by? But that doesn't really make sense. Marked- but wouldn't that still be a choice?"

With her breaching the silence, Spike startled when he realized her gaze was fixed on him, awaiting an answer.

"Not sure you can choose who you love, Pet. Hell, if we could, I don't think either of us would be sitting here, yeah? After all we've put each other through and-"

"But it doesn't define the type of love so- but Angel doesn't want it-"

Spike choked out, "What?"

"He and Cordy are all immortal-ever-after," she shrugged.

"But-"

"Why did you tell me it was a choice? Why not the real thing? I don't understand, Spike, I-"

"Didn't think you'd jump on that word so adamantly. I just didn't want to force the subject of love on you when you weren't ready to say it yet."

"You mean you weren't sure I felt it."

Spike looked away from her, but she tipped his chin with her fingers, gently forcing him to look at her. The softness and kindness there shocked the hell out of him, though he learned early on, it didn't take much for this woman to surprise him.

"Everything's so confusing," he shook his head.

Frowning, Buffy let her hand fall to his chest as she pulled herself in closer to him.

"That's what happens when you're a slayer or a vampire, surrounded by things trying to kill you every day. God, I forget how much has happened to us in such a short amount of time. The years just blend sometimes and it's been one tragedy after another. First, we had, well, the First, and then you died and the rest of us shipped off to LA to heal and mourn and- but then you came back and you were all ghosty-"

"Incorporeal. I was not a bloody-"

"And then we came here, to Giles', followed by all those damn girls again, so we went _here_ here, just to be chased after by some angry, violent vampire mob who of course have another prophecy and probably an apocalypse and I just wonder, when do I just get to rest? When can I just be happy, even for a day, and let that be it? Simple."

"'M sorry, Luv. Didn't mean to add to your complications."

Tilting her head, she considered him a moment before offering a small, sad smile.

"That's just it, though. You've been that way for so long, trying not to make things worse, make them better, in your own way. And I keep rejecting that. I can't fight the fact that this is my life because it would be a waste of energy. You, all of you guys, but especially you, have stuck by me through so much, no matter how horrible I was-"

At his outraged expression, Buffy held up a finger to his lips and continued, "Yeah, things got really bad and twisty because of you, but your intentions, they were mostly good, in your slightly deranged, un-souled way and even when they weren't, you tried so hard to fix it."

"Doesn't make it right."

"No, definitely not, but it's the same for all of us. We've been the best of friends and the worst of enemies, so happy and angry, sometimes all at once, every single one of us, and yet, we're still here together. You're here-" She kissed him. "You're here and we've got this big, mysterious thing looming over us, but we're in it together."

"Don't have to fight the baddies on your own. But Pet, you can't save everyone. Things happen, no matter how much choice we think we have in the matter."

Buffy sighed. "Do you want to be human?"

"Wondered about it more than 've ever done in my life. Depends on your view of humans, don't it? Far as I'm concerned, I've got the look of it, 'cept for when I'm vamped out. Quite like the taste of human food and women for that matter-" he wiggled his eyebrows at her and she couldn't help but giggle. "And 've got the soul now, the heart that might not beat, but it feels, so much."

Buffy pressed her hand against his chest and nodded. She looked away at the intensity in his gaze, looking sheepish.

"Would you hate me if you were powerless?"

Covering her hand with his, he said, "Could never hate you, Buffy. Might hate myself and the circumstances, but not you. Hell, I've just got you, really, and I'm not going to ruin that just because I'm feeling weak. You've got strength enough for both of us, yeah? Just hope I can fight with you through it as much as possible."

"Maybe start with the researching?"

He looked at her, eyes wide and for a moment outraged, until he recognized the faux-genuine innocence behind that expression.

"Funny. I'd be wiping my glasses more furiously than the Watcher. Had terrible eyesight as a human, that much I remember."

"Hmm," Buffy shifted her position so she was now lying up against his chest after he had settled back down onto the bed. "Spike with glasses, that could be hot."

They lay there in silence and Spike was relieved that so much of the tension that had been building was finally settled, but he still had a question weighing on him and he realized he no longer wanted to hold back on her.

"Buffy?"

"Mm, yes?"

"Prophecy, sacrifice, and all joking aside, would you want me to be human?"

Silence filled the room again and Spike was certain she was feigning sleep or was too afraid to answer. Not moving, he felt all the anxieties building in him, the ones telling him he'd never be good enough. When she turned her body to lay across him, her face close and, he was relieved to see, smiling warmly, he relaxed.

"I want you. Doesn't matter the packaging."

* * *

Buffy wasn't exactly thrilled at Faith's adamancy that her and Spike still team up on patrol, no matter whatever fluffy reunions they may have endured. The argument was that she, Buffy, would have Spike for the rest of her life, but Faith was only in this one battle. For his part, Spike sat smirking in the corner, enjoying not just the two women fighting over him, but the blush of jealousy that left Buffy stumbling her words. It was only when Angel implied what a big deal it was for Faith to be getting along with anyone, that Buffy acquiesced.

The matter settled, Buffy watched them leave after a sweet, lingering kiss to the lips she couldn't help but lean into for her enjoyment as much as it was to mark her territory in front of Faith. Standing outside the apartment doors, it was a little like bereavement, watching him leave, because she finally felt as though all the tension had left them and yet, having him walk away from her filled her with an odd sense of panic she couldn't shake. Chocking it up to being so used to patrolling with him now, her and Angel headed off in the opposite direction.

The night was too quiet, only adding to the dread. Angel was acting his usual broody self, probably missing Cordelia. She kicked a large rock that was in her path, causing it to ricochet against a headstone. Alarmed, he looked up, but didn't seem to know what to say. Taking pity on him, she broke the silence. If nothing else, she owed him an explanation.

Once she got him going, however, all she could do was listen. She realized just how much and for how long Angel had been thinking about the prophecy, about humanity, redemption, and happiness. When he had been with her, then after, when he felt as though he couldn't, he had wanted to be human more than anything. That had been his pathway to her and to happiness. He said, after developing a deeper relationship with Cordy, he started to accept who he was and what he could do in his position. Now, he was solidified in his belief having her back again. It stung a little, because she had thought she had loved him enough back then, and she wondered which she brought out in Spike now- the need to be better or the comfort to be himself? Trusting her own emotions, she realized it was more likely a mixture of both, and that was a good thing.

Focus back on Angel, she had apologized, as much as she could muster, for trying to force the topic on him, for not understanding that he needed to do what was best for him and Cordelia. It was just that she was so concerned about Spike, having lost him already, and not wanting him to be something he wasn't, and thinking she could so easily wish away her problems, that her mind had not been clear. Looking into them now, those eyes that had once held so much love, mystery, and confusion, she expected to see annoyance or pity, but they just shown with warmth and clarity.

Conversation soon led them away from the current topics, towards all that had happened to them in the past few years, separate and collectively. It felt freeing, not necessarily talking about it, but viewing it from an older, wiser, outsider perspective. Everything, the pain and suffering, terror and loneliness, emptiness and hatred, the happiness and love spread in-between, had made her, him, and all they loved stronger. Somehow, though neither expected it in the beginning, it had also driven them apart in an amiable way. Any previous lingering feelings had been inspired from the yearning for, laughably, easier, simpler times. As a seventeen-year old in love for the first time, Buffy had been viewing love through a perfect, romantic lens. Having been through the grittiness with Spike, she realized that lasting love, true love, was harsh and vibrant, layered and complex, passionate and deranged. Angel had been a perfect first love until he wasn't, but Spike was her long-term guy, had proven that under the worst of circumstances, and Angel felt the same way about Cordelia.

When conversation fizzled, Buffy felt the rush of the night's cold, goose bumps peppering her skin, and she knew she needed to be back home again. Standing from the ledge they had found for themselves to settle on in the graveyard, she motioned to Angel to move, but then froze and looked at him.

"Buffy-?"

"If you were in Spike's position and Cordelia was fully human, or mortal, or whatever. Would you do it? Become human?"

"I had that. You know it now. And I couldn't do it. I needed to continue-"

"But that was then, with- for me. I mean for Cordelia. Would you want that?"

"Cordy would just-"

"Not her. You. What would you want?"

"You mean, what would Spike want? Did you ask him?"

Buffy sighed. "He said he just wanted me."

Angel broke out laughing and she couldn't help but smirk. "Ever the romantic, William. Bet he was real proud of himself on that one."

"He means it though," and Buffy, regardless of the heat flushing her face, loved Spike just a little more because of it.

Angel frowned, but it wasn't unfriendly. "I know. I think that's why I always hated him. He was always so sure of what he was passionate about, whether that was in love for the fight, the woman, or a little bit of both."

"He does love the fight."

"Doesn't matter the side."

"It didn't used to. But now I think it does."

Angel nodded, a crisp, quick shake in affirmation, looked up at the sky, then shook his head as though trying to clear it. "Buffy, Spike's always going to be fighting. He's good at it. Natural. And don't tell him I said it, but he's clever and quick. If the prophecy is about him, and it's what we think, it'll take some time, but he'll recover. Super strength or no, he'll figure out a way to get back into the battle, if only just to be at your side. It's something I couldn't do. Wasn't strong enough. But he is. Would be. Because his love for you, it's stronger than anything else he believes in. Sure, he'll infuriate the hell out of you, but you won't hold it against him because you know his heart."

Tears prickled her eyes and she took in a deep breath. "It's why I keep thinking I'm going to lose him. He can't help himself. 'To the end of the world and-'"

"All that rot?"

She smirked, her eyes watery. "Something like that."

"The even more annoying thing about Spike, that we both know, he'll fight even harder, just to get back to you."

Reaching out, Buffy touched Angel's arm in appreciation. After another deep breath, she wiped at her eyes.

"Thank you, really. I think you should go back home, Angel. I appreciate your help and your words and your friendship. But you need to go home to Cordy and I need to get back to Spike, like five minutes ago. He's going to think something happened, us being out this late."

She was very happy that nothing got in the way of the road home to him.

* * *

"Well, shit," Faith yelled out across the cemetery from Spike as she staked one vampire, kicked a second in the head, and shoved a third with the back of her head. "They are relentless tonight."

Having dusted the final two and finding no others immediately in their places, Faith had a moment to catch her breath and look up. Clutching her side after a nasty fall into a headstone that she hadn't been able to attend to, Faith let out a dramatic sigh at the amount of vampires currently surrounding Spike and jumped into the fray.

It had been a clear, silent night, too quiet, she had thought, when they had first started. Spike had been boring her, okay, kind of engaged her, in all his talk about Buffy. It wasn't that he sounded all lovey dovey about the first slayer because much of the time, he was rolling his eyes or making sarcastic comments, but there was a deep reverence to his words that struck her. After last night, Faith had been a little alarmed by the pull Spike had on her, but having gotten a chance to actually talk to him some more, she realized it wasn't anything sexual between them.

Save for those final days when they had punched each other out, over Buffy of course, Faith had felt a camaraderie with Spike. They were both outsiders, condemned for acts of which they were very guilty, but also very sorry for, but didn't know how to show it. There was a darkness in them, but it was just a part of the light they tried to ignore because it was easier that way. Faith knew that now. There were some people who leaned way more white, far more black, or a firm gray in the way they led their lives. She was learning, and it would be a constant struggle, that she didn't have to commit to one or the other. Staying where she was, trying to be good, but also accepting the darkness that came in part with being a slayer, but also being herself, was acceptable.

Spike was undergoing a similar battle and he had found someone who loved him. With Robin, and she liked the guy, the way he fought and the things he stood for, but she didn't like how he made her feel or the self-righteousness he carried himself with around her. He was a good guy, but he wasn't her guy. In the few instances she had observed between Buffy and Spike, the tense and the messy, along with the sweet and disgusting, Faith realized the affects this relationship was having on Buffy too. Love, it wasn't supposed to alter your blueprint. It brought out the best version of who you were, all the faults and all the strengths. With her, Spike was steadier and with him, Buffy was softer. It was much more than that though, and Faith suspected only the two of them would ever understand just how much that was the case, but she saw it, she felt it, and it gave her something in which to believe, in which to seek and to hope.

She really would have liked to bask in that revelation for a little longer, but a group of angry, belligerent vampires had other ideas for her. And so she fought, kicked, punched, head-butted, jumped, dove, and swept through all of them. Her heart banging hard in her chest, adrenaline rushing through her system made her feel powerful and alive, and she knew Spike was feeling something similar beside her, except for the heart beating thing.

As they went, the numbers only seemed to increase. For every pile of dust, there was another vampire reaching for her throat, clinging onto Spike. It was only after a truly fantastic moment of perseverance that Faith took out three vampires at once, looked up, and realized she could no longer see Spike through the mass surrounding him.

A deep breath, a cringe for the pain in her side, Faith bellowed a battle cry into the night and surged. She really wished Buffy had gained a sort of sixth sense because right now, they really needed the help. They never did formulate an emergency plan.

* * *

Spike wasn't thinking. It almost scared him, had he had time to think about it, just how much was not floating around in his head. There was only fists and fangs, lurches and lunges, flesh against flesh. He sensed Faith's heartbeat, strong and reverberating amongst a mass of the living dead and so he kept on fighting. They were all around and even more seemed to keep coming. Just as he would think he was making a dent, they would thicken three times over. After a long, strenuous battle, he was pushed out of the conjoined circle and for a moment, he thought Faith had gotten them out of it.

Looking up, he saw it was the same vampire leader who he had been very much dreaming of tearing limb from limb.

"Just me and you then?"

The vampire leered at him before cracking his knuckles across Spike's face as he tried to stand.

"Gonna do it then? Stake me? Think that'll be the end? You saw Buffy that first night, she'll-"

"I can't kill you."

"Damn straight."

"Correction," the vampire now hovered over him, a wide smile covering his face. "I could kill you, but I won't. Means to and end, you know? Can't just hand over the prophecy to you."

"That crock of-"

"Your friend's distracted. Your other friends are across town, thinking they've won themselves an easy night home. Think we've got ourselves plenty of time before anyone realizes there's a problem and by then, I'll be long gone and you'll be," he paused for dramatic effect. "Persuaded."

"Like hell."

Spike was met with another backhand to the face, but he shook it off and grinned up at the other vampire, his game face back on.

"Your dissidence just fuels me. Makes this whole process a lot more fun. Get up."

Standing, Spike spat out a mouthful of blood in the vampire's face.

"Like the taste of my blood, yeah? Go on. Make me bleed."

He didn't notice the other two vampires creeping up behind him until they grabbed his arms and held him in place.

* * *

Buffy opened the door to her apartment, expecting to find an adrenaline-high, or let-down, Spike and Faith recapping their night, but instead, she found Xander pacing the space between the kitchen and living room, Willow on the phone, and Dawn sitting pale and quiet at the kitchen table.

"Where?"

Xander spoke. "They're not back yet. We didn't know if-"

She didn't wait to hear what he had to say before she was running back down the hall and out into the street, following in the steps she had watched Spike take merely hours before. Her and Angel had been out far later than she even realized. Sooner than she would have liked, the darkness would be fading into day. Though it were possible Spike and Faith had gotten caught up in conversation, Buffy doubted it. And she knew he hadn't gone out looking for her and Angel if he hadn't stopped home first.

She heard before she saw it and as she turned the corner, rushed the gates of the cemetery, Angel close on her heels, her stomach dropped and she stopped and took in the scene. Faith, she could see, staving off rather than dusting at this point, countless vampires. In the morning, when all was well, maybe she'd even compliment the brunette for her work, but now, her eyes were seeking the bleached-blond head she so desperately needed to find and couldn't.

Feeling Angel brush past her, Buffy didn't follow far behind, stalling her stake long enough only to ensure it wasn't her two vampire allies. Many ran at the new intruders, more still dropped into dust on the ground. As the graveyard cleared, leaving behind only a bleeding and rasping Faith muttering obscenities, a grave and strangely emotional Angel, Buffy felt the panic grip her insides and her heart stop. It was Angel who noticed first, a pile of bloody rags in the distance that Buffy realized was far more than that.

She couldn't move, couldn't breathe, feel, or think. She sensed Angel take an arm, Faith clutch the other, as they lead her over to Spike. Sinking to her knees aside him, she touched what she thought was his cheek, but all she could see was red.


	18. Chapter 18

It was a production getting Spike home, trying not to grasp his wounds so as to cause more damage, but his blood was everywhere and it was difficult trying to see which parts of him were still fully intact. Finally, they got Willow to perform a levitating spell on him, Buffy walking carefully at his head and holding it steady to prevent it from bobbing up and down. She was in a trance, the slayer in her rising to business at the sight and scent of blood and a mission- revenge.

Faith limped home, helped by Angel, quiet and somber with an expression Buffy didn't care to analyze at the moment. Willow had tears in her eyes and Angel looked helpless, which scared Buffy the most. They met a shaking Dawn and stricken Xander, both pale, at the door and laid Spike down in the bathtub. Once Buffy stripped him of his clothes and washed away as much of the blood as she could, Willow was able to close the wounds. All night, he drifted in and out of consciousness, whispering nonsense, murmuring pain, and calling out for Buffy.

Spike needed to eat, but it was impossible to get him to feed. Each of them tried to hold the bag to his lips, but once it reached his throat, he would choke and end up throwing most of it up again. Willow was working on a spell that might help and Xander suggested bringing him to the hospital, just to get him a transfusion, but they knew it wouldn't work.

Hours later, the sun beginning to rise, Buffy lay down beside him in vigil, hand on his shoulder, unable to sleep or soothe him, and whispering to him to wake up. Her stupid, stubborn, stupendously brave vampire looked ghostly white, save for the gashes running across his face, hands, chest, stomach, and legs. Buffy didn't think it was particularly important to know what had exactly happened in terms of him healing, but she wanted to know, to understand. Faith would only talk when spoken to, claiming that she had been too far engaged in her own battles to see what had happened, and had gone to bed shortly after, refusing any medical care.

It was only when she snuck quietly into the room around dawn, that Buffy took a moment to observe how badly beaten up the other slayer was. A rush of gratitude soaked through her and Buffy felt guilty for not offering more sympathy or patience. They stared at each other for a long stretch before both breaking contact to turn their attention back to Spike.

"He gonna be okay?"

"Hard to tell right now," Buffy sighed, her voice hoarse and loud ringing out into the quiet room. "Probably, I mean, vampire and all, eventually he'll be fine, but he needs blood and this whole situation-"

"I can help."

Buffy smiled, but it was half-hearted. "I know, Faith, and I appreciate that-"

"No, I mean, well, yeah, the fighting you already know, but the blood thing, I can help."

"We've all tried, he's not drinking."

"Pig's blood, yeah. Buffy, when you're knocked out and recovering, you want water right? Not soda or juice or anything like that. You need the real, natural stuff you were made to consume. Same thing with Spike, I figure."

Buffy just looked at her, one eyebrow raised, looking tired and confused.

"Blood. Human blood. Hell, slayer here. Our blood's the best damn-"

Standing, Buffy turned fully to face Faith, a stern expression on her face and her arms crossed at her chest. "You're offering your blood to Spike?"

Looking uncomfortable, her confidence dwindling, Faith swallowed. "Well, yeah."

"Why?"

"Uh, he's hurt. My fault, right? He was my right-hand guy last night, my responsibility. We were supposed to have each other's backs. You trusted me, well, okay, I begged you, but you still let us go. I failed. Therefore, I'm gonna do my best to fix things."

"You're right."

"Okay then." Faith rolled up the sleeves of her shirt and took a step forward, but paused when Buffy turned away again to face Spike. "B?"

"I just- I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Of course he needs blood, I just- My mind feels so empty and chaotic all at once and I'm so helpless, I-"

"You don't have to do this alone. Look, I'll give him the blood and you can go shower or rest or something."

Buffy looked at her again, tears in her eyes that she wasn't even trying to hide, and pulled a very surprised and uncomfortable Faith into a tight, but quick hug.

"Huh," Buffy said as she pulled away.

"What's huh?"

"Angel was right. Look at you doing something for someone- Wait a sec- You're not just doing this 'cus you have a thing for Spike?"

Faith was shocked into her usual defensive exterior. "Excuse me? I'm the vampire slayer, you're the one with the hots for vamps. Ya know, vampire lay-"

"Don't finish that sentence or else I take back any and all nice things I've said, or could possibly say in the future."

Faith rolled her eyes. "I don't have a thing for your hunny. Maybe at first, especially back in Sunnydale when we were both kinda the outlaws, I kinda understood why you would want to, but it's not like that now. He's a good fighter and a hell of a partner in crime. I just enjoyed knowing someone had my back who understood the fight's not just about being a white hat. 'Sides," she made a disgusted face, "He's so into you, it's a big turn-off."

"I don't know," Buffy smiled down at Spike. "I find it kinda sexy."

Faith just shook her head. "You would. We could keep going with this real nice conversation or we could put some blood into your fella's much needed body."

"Right, but no."

"No? Buffy, he-"

"I appreciate the offer, Faith, I really, truly do, but he's hurt and unconscious. We don't even know what kind of shape he's going to be in. If he gets a taste of blood and he doesn't recognize you, doesn't care enough to recognize you, I'm going to have to take drastic measures that I can't even stomach right now. 'Sides," she mimicked Faith's exasperated voice, "If he's going to be taking a slayer's blood, it's gotta be mine."

"Why because yours' is so pure?"

"That, and I think you've given him enough by fighting along with him. You could have ran, abandoned him to take it all on himself, probably told you to, but you didn't. I saw you, you were in it 'til the end with him and I can't thank you enough."

Breaking eye contact, uncomfortable at the intensity in Buffy's gratitude, Faith let out a loud sigh and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I think you're just afraid he's gonna like it and you'll be all jealous."

"That too, maybe. A little."

Faith offered a small smile and a nod before taking in another glance at Spike and leaving the room. Buffy stood still, willing Spike to wake up under her gaze. Though he had spent most of the night in a fitful sleep, he did look semi-comfortable now. She fretted over waking him up and causing any more discomfort, but she also knew that the longer they held off on blood, the harder it would be for him to fully recover.

Buffy contemplated how to feed him her blood. The thought really hadn't occurred to her until Faith mentioned it and she felt ashamed of that. Was it something her subconscious didn't want her thinking? Was she maybe a little afraid after last time? Taking some of her blood and putting it into a cup would have been the safest option for her, but she was afraid he wouldn't be tempted enough to wake up. Her throat was the stereotypical answer, but he never bit her there, said it was too sensitive and lovely to cause any damage, and he always grumbled over the scars left over by Angel and Dracula. He also never bit her as a means for food. They had experimented in many ways, including this foray, but never for this reason. Buffy knew he wasn't going to be thrilled with this, regardless of what his demon would think, but she needed to get him blood and she wanted to do this for him.

Walking into the kitchen, she answered the others' hopeful questions about Spike's condition with hooded eyes and a shrug of the shoulders. They raised their eyes at the knife she pulled out of the drawer, but no objections rang out after her as she made her way back into her bedroom. Slipping in beside him in bed, Buffy made a small slice on her wrist and hovered it above his nose before resting it down on his lips. The response was not immediate and she feared he wouldn't react at all. Just as she was going to pull away, she felt the strange pull of blood before recognizing the signs of Spike coming to wakefulness. His demon form sprung to life, from the ridges on his face to the incisors she could feel pressed up against her wrist, threatening but not acting. Shifting her body so that she lay somewhat across him, careful so as not to press down with full weight against his sensitive skin, she offered him better access.

Watching him, she was amazed by the gentleness with which he drank, even as the tugs became desperate and hungry. One eye opened, then the other, staring at her in shock and horror and he moved so as to pull away, but she held her wrist firmly to his lips, sliding her other hand up to smooth the curls on his head and run a finger down a gash on his cheek. He settled again, allowing his eyes to close, and was silent for a few long moments as he drank. Just as she was starting to feel sleepy, fighting the tug of sleep she knew was a combination of exhaustion and blood loss, Buffy felt the cold lapping of his tongue replace his lips as he sealed the puncture.

He was still quiet and a little bit broken, but the slayer blood seemed to be having an immediate effect on his demeanor. Eyes flickered open and shut, then open again, seeking her, and when he found her gaze, confident and firm, he closed them again, looking peaceful as he gave into sleep. Comforted that she had been able to get him blood and that he seemed to be over the worst extent of injuries, Buffy curled into his side and allowed sleep to take her too.

* * *

Buffy woke to three subdued, sheepish faces staring and standing over her bed. With a roll of her eyes and a slight shake of her head, she glanced over at Spike's form, relieved to see some of the swelling had gone down and cuts had lessened, and rolled out of bed, ushering them to follow her.

They hadn't questioned her about last night, only asked about how Spike was faring and wondering if they could help. Each of them, and Buffy couldn't tell if Dawn or Xander were more eager, took turns checking on Spike, feeding him every few hours, or just sitting down to spend time with him. Seeing these displays and starting to come down from the shock of the attack, Buffy's numbness drifted, replaced with grief, anger, terror, and a lot of adoration. Spike slept through most of the day, but was alert enough during the times he was conscious especially to complain about the pain and the anger he felt regarding the attack. During moments when she wasn't at his side, Buffy joined the others, set up around the apartment between piles of books Giles and Andrew had brought with them, along with a giant blood-filled cake. Xander's displeasure and insistence that Spike would have still enjoyed the cake without the blood, unlike the rest of them who couldn't be as flexible, broke the tension.

As nighttime struck, she paid farewell to Angel, insisting that he leave even with an inevitable fight on the horizon. Giles drove him to the airport before heading back to his house as he was nervous about leaving all of the slayers to their own devices, and he had a larger collection to browse. There was enough of them there to do the research and, if they stuck together, to fight the fight, though she wasn't sure which of them would get the honors of the apparent 'leader,' her or Spike.

She had only gone into the shower, with much insistence from Dawn who kept crinkling her nose in obvious disgust, for five minutes, and came out to find Spike set up on the couch next to Xander playing some videogame. He at least looked a little shamefaced when he noticed her watching them.

"'M all better?" But he posed it as a question and Buffy was not going to back down.

"You need to rest. You were beaten and sliced open, practically drained and unconscious and very nearly dead had we not-" She swallowed. "You need to rest."

"'M sitting on the couch aren't I?"

At her look, he rolled his eyes.

"I can't be stuck in that damned bed any longer. I need to stretch my legs and fight something," As Buffy's eyes widened in a mixture of horror and anger, Spike spoke quickly. "And since I can't do that, 'm getting my aggression out in other ways, yeah? Like whoopin' Harris' ass at this game."

"The only ass whooping-doing, is me. On yours. And-"

But he quickly shut up at Buffy's glare, which she turned into a wide smile without much warning and the guys shared a nervous glance.

"Huh, well that's great you're feeling so much better, baby. I have a far more _productive_ way to get that aggression out and you don't have to leave the couch then either."

"That right?" He was aiming for seductive, but Buffy could tell he knew it was wishful thinking.

"Research." She tossed a few books in their direction. "And lots of it. Dawn, you're in charge, make sure these two idiots actually help you and Andrew. Faith, Willow, we're going to do a quick sweep. I definitely have energy to burn."

Giving Xander and Spike one last threatening look, Buffy quickly stepped into her bedroom to change. She finished pulling her still damp hair into a ponytail when she sensed him come up behind her.

"You can't go out there alone."

"Hence why I invited Faith and Willow. Combined, the three of us would be unstoppable. Besides, their group took as much of a hit as ours, more so when you compare numbers, so I can't think they'll be rushing out there tonight. I just have to do _something_."

She was standing facing her mirror, unable to see his reflection and it was a strange sensation, knowing he was there anyways. His hand brushed her shoulder, reached down and took the brush out of her hand to put it on top of the wardrobe, and slid his hand around her wrist. His grip was gentle, a finger sweeping over the fading, but still slightly red and swollen cut from the knife.

As Spike leaned down to trail a line of kisses from just below her ear, down to her shoulder blade, Buffy's breath caught in her throat and she felt her heartbeat rise.

"Recovered quickly, thanks to you." His voice was a throaty whisper and she felt herself lean back further into him. "And I know you're more'n capable, Luv, I just- We do better when we're together, yeah? It was fun fighting with the bird, but it wasn't the same. Not like with you."

He placed a kiss on her cheek and Buffy felt herself warm all over, wanting to reciprocate, to find his lips with her own, but also not willing to break contact. It was comforting, having him hold her like this.

"You don't need to shelter me, Buffy. Not when I'm still- I feel fine, strong and I'm pissed as hell, and maybe those buggers won't be out, but so help me if they are- the two of us, what we could do to them. But if not, wouldn't hurt to take out a vamp or two."

Her voice came out as a whisper to match his. "I'm not sheltering you, I just- Everything and nothing is happening all at once. You almost died, Spike. You were brutally tortured and the only reason you can stand at all today is because of slayer's blood, and I'm happy, so damn happy and grateful about that, but you still need more recovery time. Just give me one more night, more blood and rest, and then tomorrow, as soon as the sun goes down, you and me, we'll take down all the badness." She twisted herself out of his embrace to turn around and face him, her head resting on his chest. Looking up at him, she said loud and clear, "Please?"

Sighing and looking as though he still wanted to argue, Spike kissed her forehead and rested his own against hers. "Fine, but pig's blood'll do just fine now. And," he looked nervous now, which made her smile. "Thanks. For the blood, I mean. You didn't-"

Smiling wider, Buffy reached a hand up to press her finger to his lips. "I love you."

Eyes alight, Spike kissed her hard, whispering over and over about how much he loved her and kissing her everywhere in-between, hugging her closely, until Buffy was laughing and trying to push him away, but not really meaning it.

A loud cough from the doorway broke them apart.

"God, I knew you two were going to be gross, but the giggling thing is just weird."

Dawn's smile and sparkling eyes told them just how much she didn't hate the display. Buffy rolled her eyes and nudged her sister out of her room, grabbing Spike's hand to pull him behind her. Dawn looked delighted at having the opportunity to boss someone else around and didn't complain once that she wasn't invited on the girls' night out. Instead, she grabbed Buffy's coat, handing it to her along with a stake, and motioned for the other girls to follow.

"We've got things to do and so do you. Spike," she pointed to a stack of books wavering on top of one another. "You take that one. Xand, you take the other. And Andrew, just keep doing what you're doing on the- Wait!" She hurried over to check his screen and nodded in approval. "Computer."

Sneaking a quick kiss and dodging Dawn's pushiness, Buffy broke away from a grumbling Spike, following Faith and Willow out the door as she heard Xander whine, "His pile's smaller than mine!"

Closing the door behind her, Buffy cracked her neck to one side, then the other, smiling at the two friends waiting on her.

"Ready, ladies?"


	19. Chapter 19

Faith was shocked when Buffy led them to the bar down the street, until she pulled them into the alley next door and laid down the battle plan. The blonde had on her business face, barely even blinking as she went off about the importance of staying on task and not, for example, challenging the guy standing next to them to a round of shots. It did sound like something she would do, but Faith still scoffed when Buffy said it and gave Willow a dramatic eye-roll, who looked flustered, as though anyone even believed she would be the offending member. She got the determination, could sense the heat, the adrenaline coursing through Buffy's blood, and Faith understood now, the difference between fighting evil for good and fighting for love. Just beneath the power and calm assurance was a desperation Faith had never quite experienced herself.

She had seen it once, when Angel was poisoned and Buffy was out for Faith's blood. Now, for Spike, Faith was very happy to be on the side of good.

Out of Buffy's direct gaze, Faith did shimmy up to the bar and convince the guy closest to her spot to buy her a drink. She sipped long pulls of the drink, letting it settle in her mouth before swallowing, and offered the guy a string of flirty words before moving on when she realized he would be of no help to their goal. Not one for small talk, she was more of an action sorta girl.

Before the hour was up, Faith treated herself to another drink and decided instead to take in the scene for any suspicious behavior. Most of the crowd consisted of eager, fresh-faced college kids whose worst fears were not having prepared enough for the test or wondering if they could talk themselves into an extension on a paper. Not that Faith had ever really cared about any of that, but she still begrudged them the simplicity of their problems.

As the hour changed, Faith jumped off the barstool and elbowed her way through the loudening crowd, swatting a lonesome hand away from her backside that, had she the time, she would have reprimanded properly. Outside, she met a punch-drunk looking Willow who was gleaming with sweat and regaling a still stony-faced Buffy about the conversations she had engaged in while dancing. Faith lit a cigarette a little way's away as she listened to Willow speculate on what Buffy found "not much to go on."

"Maybe we should just head back. I don't feel much like patrolling tonight and I think Spike'd kill me if I took on the vamps myself."

"I think you just want to get hot and heavy with your healing hunny." Faith's suggestive glance turned into a beam when Buffy glared at her, but did not dispute the claim. "What were you thinking, Witch? You still up for a little more investigative reporting?"

Willow hesitated and looked at Buffy, but when the blonde didn't cut in, she answered.

"Actually, yeah. I think we'd find out more if we traveled a bit further outside of this area. College bars are a breeding ground for demonic activity because all these kids are nummy, drunk treats whose disappearances or strange happenings can be chocked up to drunken behavior. But they don't actually know anything. A few women from my Wicca group invited me out and I'm thinking we'd find more information from them."

"Whattya say, B?"

Buffy sighed, looking exhausted. "It can't hurt. I think it's a great idea, but-"

"You want to get home, yeah, yeah. Listen, Wills and I will head out to meet her friends and you can shimmy on home. Even I can't tease you for your lack of endurance and fun with those sized bags under your eyes. Go home and make sure the study buddies are doing their jobs. We've got this."

At Buffy's uncertain expression, Faith pressed on. "We're super-powered chicks, too."

"Willow?" Buffy still looked unsure, but her friend smiled at her, encouraging.

"It will be strictly business, Buff, I promise."

"You can have fun too, you know? I just- I'm not in that space right now. If you do hear anything-"

"You'll be the first to know. Got it. Need us to walk you home or-?"

"I think I can walk down the street just fine, Faith, but thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Dunno. That seems to be when those vamps choose to make their appearance."

Buffy rolled her eyes and waved them off with a small smile. Faith felt a touch of nervousness of separating, but followed quickly behind Willow, eager to be out of the apartment and around people who weren't so cliquey.

* * *

Buffy almost wished a vampire or two would jump out at her as she headed back to the apartments, just so she could feel as though she had accomplished something with this night out. What she really needed, more than to slay the cult who kept going after her vampire, was information as to why they felt such a need to go after him. She was trying not to panic when it came to all thoughts regarding questionable prophecies and what they might entail, especially now that her and Spike were being all with the communication, but the unknown was unsettling. Thinking a call over to Giles was much needed, Buffy quickened her pace.

When she opened the door to the apartment, she found a pacing Dawn, her head stuck closely into a book, muttering phrases out loud; a dead-eyed looking Andrew who was staring at the computer screen in awe; and Xander sprawled out on the couch, his feet snug on the spot she had left Spike.

"Where's-?"

They all looked up at her for a moment when she first spoke, but continued their researching as soon as Spike stepped out of her bedroom, looking a lot better, but still tired. She understood how he felt.

"Hey-" Even her voice was tired, though Buffy wasn't certain if the hushed inflection stemmed from exhaustion or relief at seeing him. "Feeling any better?"

"'M fine, Luv, though I can't say I mind the fussing." He crossed the room in a few, long strides and gathered her up in his arms with a kiss. "Find anything-?"

"Hey!" Xander's voice cut into them. "Where're Willow and Faith? Nothing happened to W-"

Buffy pulled out of Spike's embrace only enough to glance over at Xander.

"They're fine. They wanted to do a bit more 'investigating' with a few of the women from Willow's Wicca group. They said they'd be all about the researching, but I think it was their nice way of telling me I'm boring."

"Oh," Xander flung the book onto the coffee table. "If they're not working, then-"

"Xander Harris, you pick that book up right now and continue what you were doing!"

Xander sat up abruptly and Buffy bit back a laugh as she turned towards her sister.

"Dawnie-"

"Nu uh, just because you're home now, doesn't mean I've lost my title. Andrew granted me Chief Researcher in Charge and I'm taking it very seriously."

"I can see that, hunny, but don't you think-"

"Want to compare leadership strategy, Buffy, really? Because I've got some bullet points about yours that-"

Spike coughed. "Right then, Niblet, we'll make with the research. Buffy, Luv, you can come with me into your room. I've got all the books stacked up and-"

"But- Oh, right, yeah, my room. Perfect. I've got my reading eyes on and-"

"Very funny. Spike, you can just go ahead and lug those books right back out here, like you didn't think I'd notice. You're both going to be out here where I can keep an eye on you and make sure you aren't up to any funny business while the rest of us are trying to save Spike's ass. Again."

Buffy rolled her eyes as she heard Spike mutter to her, "You couldn't play it cool."

"I'm tired! It's been an exhausting past few days, weeks, months, years for me. I don't know how to play it cool anymore."

"Right, fine. You're the Chosen One. You've got all the Chosen One responsibilities and all that rot. Harris," he pushed Xander's legs off the couch. "Get up and let the girl have your seat."

"You're a girl now?"

"Funny, no. But I am the injured party of which everyone seems so worried, so the least you could do is spare me the-"

"Guys-" Dawn's voice warned them into silence.

"Here," Buffy flung him a book as she sidled up next to him on the couch. "Let's do as the Chief says. The sooner I can save your ass-"

"The sooner you can kiss it?"

At the suggestive waggling of eyebrows, Buffy elbowed him gently in the stomach.

An hour later, Buffy felt her eyelids grow heavy and watched as the words smeared together on the page. Nothing was making any sense or was of any use, except to add to her exhaustion. She kept having to nudge Spike awake and call out to Xander to stop drooling onto the book so as to prevent anymore Dawn ramblings.

They were all preparing to call it a night and go to bed when Willow and Faith came bursting into the apartment, an air of excitement surrounding them.

"Wha-?" Xander shot up off the floor, but they looked only towards Buffy who was standing, holding her breath.

"We know where they are."

"The-?"

"Vamps, yeah. There was this fledgling at the club we went to, too young to pose much of a threat and too stupid to shut his mouth. Faith got him drunk and he was more than happy to spill."

"Right then," Spike stood and stretched. "Let's go find them and do 'em in."

"Spike, we can't just- it's late and-"

"If they get whiff that the fledge shared their hideout, then they'll be gone by morning. We've got to go now."

"We don't have a plan. Guys," she turned back towards Willow and Faith now exasperated. "Did you find out anything more about why they're after Spike? Any prophecy worthy info?"

Willow's face flamed red, matching her hair and even Faith shifted, uncomfortable.

"Well, yeah actually."

Taking a deep breath, Buffy said, "And?"

"Does it matter?" Spike cut in. "Buffy, Luv, this is our chance. Surprise them."

"I want to know why."

"And I'd rather not."

"But-"

"Won't matter, whatever they've got to say. Prophecy be damned. If it comes down to it, you know I'll-"

"What about me?"

"Lived a lot longer than you, Luv. You're the reason I keep going. If I need to sacrifice myself or do something stupidly noble like that, I'll do it. Rather not hear what fate's awaiting me, either, good or bad. Won't do anything but fuel possibly dangerous wishful thinking. Let's just put on our battle caps and face it, yeah?"

Buffy kept her gaze fixed on his, her eyes hard and challenging. Spike's face remained fierce, but warm and she knew she couldn't deny him. Reaching up a hand, Buffy cupped his face, pulling him down closer to hers and kissed him, savoring it for as long as she could in front of the rest of them. Breaking away, she took another deep breath and faced back to Willow and Faith.

"Well? What do you think?"

"It's the best we've got to go on right now."

"Faith?"

Faith allowed a flicker of a smile at being called on, but pulled herself together into a serious expression.

"Think we've got ourselves some vamps to surprise."

Andrew stood up suddenly, a fist in the air, from his spot at the computer where he had previously been sleeping and drooling all over the keyboard. "Charge!"

"Hang on there, soldier," Xander rolled his eyes. "We've got about four hours 'til sunrise and very little information to go on here. How do we know this is going to be a typical vamp-kill situation? I do hate to be the voice of reason, but-"

"They're uh, definitely just vampires, I can tell you that without giving anything else away."

"Dawnie?" Buffy looked towards her sister. "As Chief Researcher in Charge, what do you think?"

"I think I want to get out of this apartment."

"Well-"

"I'm going. Unless you want to waste more time by calling Giles and waiting for him to get here to pick me up."

"Giles! I should have called him."

"So not the point," Dawn whined.

Rushing over to the phone, Buffy addressed the group. "Get ready, grab as many pointy things as you can. We'll leave in ten minutes, I just have to check in with Giles."

Xander laughed. "He's going to be thrilled we didn't consult him first. I'm sure a prophecy threat would come as a relief away from all those teenage girls."

As Buffy filled in Giles on the plan, everyone around her went back to their prospective rooms and changed. Hanging up the phone, more assured in the plan now than before, she headed towards her own room to find Spike. All he had done was shrug into the duster they had picked out a few days ago. Seeing him in it, Buffy's heart raced and yearned for him faster and deeper than she'd felt before. Coming up behind him, she wrapped her arms around his waist and nestled her face into the leather. The vampire let out a contented sigh and let her bask for a moment before turning in her arms and pressing her closer to him.

"No more'n we usually do in a nights' worth."

"Not usually all at once though," came her muffled reply against his chest.

"Yeah, well, we've got the lot of us against them. I'll take those odds."

"I'm not too fussed about all that though, Spike. I'm more concerned about what comes after."

"Some peace and quiet, hopefully. And me 'n you in this big bed, just the two of us, no one trying to kill or interrupt us for once."

"Promise?"

"Promise I'll try."

Hearing the sincerity in his voice, Buffy tilted her head so that he could easily capture her lips in a kiss. It was desperate now where earlier had been sweet. The gravity of what they were walking into, all the unknown and dangerous possibility, hit her then, and she wanted to prolong this moment for as long as possible. He too seemed to sense the threat once again lingering over them as he clutched her small frame to his, moving his lips to her neck and kissing and smelling as much of her as he could.

"Guyssss," Dawn's exaggerated voice called to them from just outside the door. "Ten minute's up. Let's go be all with the ass-kicking."

"Language, Dawnie," but Buffy laughed, not really meaning it. She allowed herself one more kiss before taking Spike's hand and guiding him out the door to meet the others.

* * *

"Now remember," Spike's eyes were dark and flashing as he spoke to them. "You see the leader, you detain him, knock him out silly, take off a limb, tear off his-"

"Spike," Buffy half-whispered, half-growled.

"Right, sorry, Luv. Do any damage you want, but don't kill him. He's mine. Alright?"

"That's something I won't promise."

"Buffy-"

Dawn whined, "Can we please go? It's cramped in this van with all of stuffed in here."

"Ow!" Xander huffed, "Someone caught a boot across my shin. I-"

"Guys-"

"We're going, we're going."

"No," Buffy said. "They're coming to us."

"Huh?" Xander popped his head out from under Faith's elbow where he had been stuck and looked out the window to where a group of vampires now surrounded their van.

"Oh great. 'Cus I was just saying how much I hated the element of surprise."

Andrew tried again, this time to a much more positive response, "Charge!"

Buffy in front, and Spike close behind, the group stumbled their way out of the van and into the fray.

Nerves changed to pure adrenaline as Buffy forgot why they were fighting and focused on the familiar feelings of being mid-battle. A cross-punch to the jaw, kick to the shin, stake thru the heart, repeat. She could sense Xander and Dawn tag-teaming a couple of vampires surrounding Andrew, watched Faith be a whir of force and power, and Willow barely moving as dust swept around her. Through it all, she maintained a sense of where Spike was performing his own routine. When they met back-to-back, staving off punches, switching opponents, and turning them to dust, Buffy knew this was where they belonged, knew how seamless they fell together.

She watched as the lead vamp stuff his fist in Spike's back, knocking him to the ground. Feet away from him, she dusted the two she was currently sparring and jumped over to where he lay, clawing at a group that tried to knock him down until it was just the two left, Spike and the leader, sprawled on the ground.

A moment too late, focus still so much on Spike, she noticed the leader pull back and turn on her, getting a hold of her arm and twisting her so that she was facing Spike, a stake up against her heart. The deadness in the chest that lay at her back so unlike the one she was used to, as motion stopped and all turned to look at the pair. Finding Spike's eyes, widened in inexplicable fear, she watched as he stopped fighting, dropped his stake, and held out his hands in surrender.

"Spike. Don't you d-"

As Buffy shifted out of the leader's arms, a back-kick to the shin and an elbow to the face, she saw the stake rise in the air and wedge itself into Spike's back, straight through his heart. A scream wrenched through the night, but she didn't even notice she was making a sound. With a crunch, she knocked back the leader who cackled in triumph, handing him to Faith to keep down, staked the offending vampire who had delivered the punch, and fought until every last of the vampires was a pile of dust.

Blackness was all she felt and could see until her sobs took her to her knees and she felt warm arms surrounding her. Composing herself, she shook off Xander and Willow and Dawn and turned to the vampire who continued to laugh at her sorrow.

"You-"

"He's a fighter that one, but with a hell of a weakness."

"Love is not weakness."

"A vulnerability then. Semantics. What becomes of him though? Nothing particularly special. Just a pile of dust, just like the rest of us. Vampires don't belong in the sunshine. We tried to warn him, but he remained stubbornly tied to you."

"When I figure out adequate pain and suffering to-" She took a shaky, desperate breath. "Why? Just could someone please tell me why? Other than the obvious kill thy enemies thing."

The vampire's eyes flashed gold before reverting back to his human face. When he spoke, his voice whispered in a hoarse growl."Do you understand what he could have become? A weapon in which you could hold your dreams upon. A vampire with the beating heart and desperation of mortality, or a human with the powers of a vampire. However way you frame it, it is best that he now lie at your feet. Really, it is good, not for you," he smirked, "That he never did get a chance to make a sacrifice."

Buffy couldn't tell if it was hindsight looking back on it. All she could sense was her fist meeting his face, pulling back again and again, but then the air seemed to shift and she could hear the voices of her friends calling her back to them. When she turned, eyes searching Willow's in wild confusion, instead she found expressions of awe facing the spot in which she refused to look. She knew, before turning, what she would see, even if reason told her otherwise. Knew it as soon as the taunting last words left the vampire's mouth because even then, in her most apparent state of grief and trauma, she could visualize every second of Spike's final moments. However minute and trivial it would seem to a creature who could not, would not love or try to understand it, Spike had made a sacrifice. A sacrifice that lay not in the physical action, but in intention. Behind her closed lids, she could see the stake dropping from Spike's fingers, watched the way his hands folded outward in surrender. It had been enough because it had been everything.

Opening her eyes, she fell to her knees before his lying form, forceful, shaking breaths echoing from his chest. Buffy placed a gentle hand just over his heart, his skin clammy, pale but darker than she'd ever seen, and watched in awe as the beating of his heart raised her fingers up and down in steady rhythm. Sensing her, he took another gasping breath and sat up, his eyes seeking hers. Before she could move, Spike was standing, lumbering on unsteady feet over to where Faith and the enemy vampire stood, both with wild, bewildered eyes, and drilled a stake through the vampire's chest.

Buffy reached him in time only to catch his body as he collapsed in her arms.


	20. Chapter 20

**One Month Later**

The predator in him left him attuned to the million different ways a heart could beat that humans so often took for granted, from little flutters of excitement, trembles of nerves, the thundering of fear, flickering of grief, to the rhythmic nature of the norm. Spike would sometimes lie awake at night, his hand over his heart, and worry if it was too strong or too slow. He'd been doing the same with Buffy, until her sympathy waned, and she told him that the constant monitoring was freaking her out.

It was strange, having to foster these human tendencies, and some were harder than others. For instance, he'd been eating human food for fun for years, but now he had given up blood and had to adapt to food for nutritional purposes. It had done quite a lot to his ability to cook, which was a true skill of survival since none of the rest of them could cook very well. The sleep schedule, he was already accustomed because he preferred to sleep when Buffy did, but now he was allowed to be out in the sun and it all seemed wrong, at least at first. That was the thing he struggled with the most, his desire to go outside and feel the warmth and the fear that it wouldn't work, that it would shove him back out claiming that he belonged in the dark. Part of him knew too, he preferred the dark, thrived in it, and though much of what he had done before, who he had been, particularly before the soul, had been wrong, he had loved being who he was. Human Spike, William, he could not say the same for, though he supposed it was different now, still having all of the powers and memories that made him a vampire.

Spike was not well-adjusted, but he was getting there. They were a group of people accustomed to change and difficult obstacles, so it was nothing new in that regard. It helped that he had a multitude of people behind him to support him, though he was surprised at how much turning human didn't affect Buffy's perspective on him. When he expected weepy and overjoyed, he received calm and cautious. When he had laughed and told her that he really now could be the man for her, rather than the agreement for which he had been seeking, he found anger at his apparent ignorance. She had loved him, did love him, and accepted him as the vampire he was, she told him, nose up in the air, hands on her hips, and though his being human opened up more possibilities for the two of them, it didn't change their dynamic or how she saw him. Spike hadn't realized the impact those words would have on him until she said them. It was her acceptance of the vampire he was, and the many remnants of who he was now, that made him stronger. And he didn't like to feel sorry for himself.

He was lying in bed, his heart over his chest, taking deep, steadying breaths that told him just how alive he now was, thinking over the day. It had started early in the morning, not too far from when he had finally drifted off into sleep, with his being awakened by a group of cranky and hungry Scoobies who could no longer satisfy themselves with cereal. Dawn, in particular, claiming that she had a major test that required a seriously nutritious breakfast, had been the most vehement, but he noticed even his beloved slayer had only offered half-hearted mumbles at his behest to allow him to sleep. But up he had gotten, to feed his lady and her- their- friends, before lying down for a few more minutes while she dropped Dawn off at school and flitted around the apartment, readying for the day.

With a few complaints commenting on the lack of time it took men to ready for the day versus women, Spike rolled himself out of bed only when she was halfway out the door and most definitely ready, in order to head over to Giles' estate where they were deep into plans for establishing the reorder of the Watcher's Council. Neither he nor Buffy were very good with outlines or detailed plans, but they were excellent participants, and as it turned out, teachers to the hordes of young women seeking slayer training. Flashes of such talent were present in Sunnydale while they had been preparing for the First, but there had only been so much either of them could offer to a group of girls who had promise, but no physical ability, and had been under the very real threat of death. While slayers and threat of death went hand-in-hand, at least now, it wasn't imminent, and Spike found he enjoyed helping to hone talent and watch as ability and potential transformed into skill and ability. As though sparring with a bunch of diligent, well-intentioned, and very determined young women hadn't been enough, of course there were still vampires and demons to slay at night. Though these foes still sought to fight him, they weren't any more particular on him other than for being the slayer's right-hand man. It was a good feeling, that distinction, because he no longer had to feel as though he was being hunted. Patrol had led to an early night back home, the fifth in a row transitioning between the estate and typical patrol, because though he still had super hero strength, he was not immune to an aching and tired body put under considerable duress. Part of the reason he had taken up running was to up his cardiovascular intake, as well as to provide him for something to do out in the sun. And while it was fun to see who could lift more in the weight room, him and Buffy, such training was now necessary when before, as a vampire, it had been gifted to him.

Holding Buffy close, asleep in her bed, Spike rested his head inside the groove of her shoulder, arms around her waist, and her back to his chest, so that he could listen and almost feel the beating of her heart without being accused of minding it too much attention. Neither could resist the swirling desire that sparring had inspired within, plus Spike had realized though he had technically spent all day with her, he hadn't had much of a chance to connect with Buffy on a personal level all day and he wanted to take his time. It was only when both of their stomachs had growled, calling out for dinner, that he had released her with a lingering, wet kiss to shovel something into their mouths that resembled dinner. With one last check on Dawn and her homework, a goodnight utterance to both Willow and Xander, they had stumbled back into bed, this time their love making less hard and urgent and more tender and slow, before succumbing to sleep. At least one of them had followed the plan through, and he could tell for certain that Buffy was sound asleep thanks to her even breathing and the steady rising of her chest just above where his arms rested.

With a kiss against her pulse point, Spike settled more closely to her and focused on his breathing, following the instructions Willow had suggested after forcing him to attend a few Yoga classes with her. He didn't think anymore as he drifted into darkness, until a very playful slayer woke him some hours later, gleeful that it was a Saturday.

* * *

Though she told him otherwise with her exasperated words and dramatic rolling of her eyes whenever he fretted over it, Buffy too paid a lot of attention to the patterns of Spike's beating heart. It seemed strange, to be echoing from him, because she had never really thought much about his actual, physical un-beating heart. When they had just been engaged in their sordid affair, she considered him heartless from a figurative standpoint, rather than the dead organ lying in his chest. Lying in his arms just before Sunnydale, and he, however briefly, had met their demise, everything about him and what he meant to her, and what she meant to him, had been a source of comfort and inspiration. The differences hadn't mattered. And now that she had lost him, gotten him back, and almost lost him again, she was so certain in her love for him, his essence and being, it didn't matter if he was a man or a vampire. He was Spike and that was what mattered.

In some ways, it was nice, amazing even, that they could spend the day navigating this new, old for him, city in which they now lived, sitting at outdoor cafes and holding hands while they walked. But his humanity had never been as urgent as it had felt when she was with Angel. With him, she had wanted it so desperately because it was the only way she thought that they could be together. For so long, Angel had wanted it too, and so she felt vindicated in that desire. Now, with Spike, Buffy worried more about how he might think she preferred this version of him over the vampire. She just wanted him to know, to understand, and to accept, that she loved him regardless. In many ways, though she hadn't told him this yet, she considered him to be more of a mixture of both, vampire and human, though she was chagrined to admit it was that head vampire cult thing's last words that had made her think it.

Buffy couldn't stop kissing him or touching him in some way, just to be certain that he was real and here, but also because it was the first time in their relationship that they were both happy and, for the most part, unthreatened. There were no hidden, suppressed feelings of lust, disgust, or insecurity.

Twisting in his embrace, so that she was now facing him, she reached up and lined a trail of kisses from his cheek, down his jaw, to the side of his neck that was particularly sensitive in the most wonderful of ways. At first, he didn't react, the big faker, but as she crept her lips over to his chin, the side of his mouth, back to his jaw, his neck, to his chest, and snaked a hand to drift even further down, Spike could no longer contain himself. Kissing her back with fervor, he pulled her closer to him, so that she rolled on top of him.

When they had finished, Buffy sprawled out next to him and guided his hand to her chest and allowed it to rest over her thumping heart.

"See," she whispered. "See what you do to me?"

His eyes lit up, a tiny, contented smile on his lips as he looked at her in awe. She was reminded of the first time they had done this, just after he had turned, when he had clutched at the space over her heart and his, panic riddling every feature at the force of the beating, until she had crawled back on top of him and assured him in whispers and kisses that it was all fine. Not only did he seem more used to it, Spike had blossomed a proclivity in seeking it, with all the running, training, and sex in which he, and she, filled up his day.

Though it had only been a month, those first few days and weeks had been so vulnerable, but special, that they seemed to last much longer. Spike had been unconscious for most of the first few days, drifting in and out, delusional and in need of water. When Buffy couldn't be watching and feeding his every need, the others stepped in. She had always known Dawn to hold a soft spot for him, and even though she had seen the changes in his relationship between Xander and Willow, it was still overwhelming to see them care for Spike, not for her, but for him. Even Giles had come from the estate, reluctantly leaving Andrew in charge, to offer assistance and astonishment at this change. It was the Watcher's presence and knowledge that allowed them to more fully understand the changes Spike had undergone and how they could physically improve.

Faith had only left, not yet back to Cleveland though she said she'd get there eventually, when she knew Spike would pull through. Adjustment, she had warned, would be slow, and Buffy was not to force all of her ideals and habits ontp him or she, Faith, would have to come back and kick her ass.

Buffy had promised with a laugh, but the realization of how much Spike had changed for her, all of it good and in many cases necessary, the human thing not included, worried her. Spike needed time to reconfigure his life, though she hoped to remain a very big part of that, she didn't want to rule it for him. His tendency and comfort in following through with whatever demands she ordered, and her tendency to let him, made it difficult, but she was okay with believing that they were both a work in progress. Together and apart, they would settle into their new lives.

"Baby, I could stay in this bed with you forever," he drawled at her, breaking the silence.

Buffy was very happy that his libido and stamina had remained, and though she wouldn't admit it to him, she also didn't hate the way he could turn any phrase into innuendo.

"Mmm, but you did promise you'd go to that thing with Xander today."

"That thing?" Spike shot up in bed, pulling away from her and ignoring her groan of protest. "That thing! I'm taking the Whelp to his first real football match. Show some respect, woman!"

Grumbling, Buffy sat up and pulled the sheet back over her. "You're the one who said you wanted to stay in bed all day."

"Yeah, but I didn't mean it."

"Oh?"

"Not, uh- not like that. Of course, I meant it, I just- You know what I mean."

Buffy answered with a scowl and her hands crossed over her chest.

"Rather be with you than the Wanker, Pet, I promise. But you did say that you didn't much care for it and that your time'd be better spent out shopping with Dawn and Willow, so-"

"Alright, Fangboy, you can stop your backtracking and start with the groveling."

"Fangboy? Is that some kind of-?"

Buffy cut him off with a kiss, laughing against his mouth. The man still knew how to drive her crazy, both with positive and negative connotations, but she loved him desperately for it. They spent quite a long time with Spike making up for his comments, before a knocking at the door forced them out of bed.

"That'd be the Whelp. Promise I'll be thinking of you all day, if you promise not to buy entire stores worth of clothing. You've already filled up your closet and mine and I doubt the rest of 'em will be as forgiving."

"Mm, you're much more agreeable."

"Like to be convinced though."

"I bet," Buffy winked at him and with a final kiss, allowed him out of the bed. "Oh, and Spike?" She nestled further into the covers, feeling safe, comfortable, and sated.

Looking up at her while he pulled up his jeans he had left lying on the floor, he raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Luv?"

Her smile bright and charming, as she thought of the way his eyes sparkled in the sun and how his skin looked sun-kissed and golden, she said, "Don't forget the sunblock this time."

With an affable growl, Spike pulled his shirt over his head, reached down and kissed her hard, before heading out the door to an impatient wanker, he couldn't help but consider one of his best friends.


End file.
